Probably one of the, if not the, ugliest selfie.

From hereon out, I have this deep scar in the middle of my very big forehead haha.

 

Proof of Life

So, just keeping this blog alive :)

Short recap for this year to date:

Trip to El Nido, Palawan - 3rd Week of January

Family trip to Bali, Indoneais to celebrate my mom's 75th Birthday - last week of January

First day ib Drayton Valley, Alberta - March 1, 2024

Canmore, Alberta

Lake Louise, Alberta

Experienced Aurora Borealis just outside of our house

Fall season at the park

Check bucket list - Niagara Falls, Ontario - October 2024

First snowfall today - November 5, 2024

 

Twenty Years Ago

 

My first post in this blog was almost twenty years ago, and here I am now, rediscovering my passion for writing :)

Spam from me :)

So I got a notif from Google that one of my blogs is a spam. Awwww, I wished it was a literal spam haha. It's my first attempt for a travel blog since I started traveling (wow, traveller ang peg) but since all it contains were pictures (but all mine) maybe that's why they flagged it as spam.

It's all about my first solo trip to Bicol. Here's the link of the photos in my FB albums Majestic Mayon.

Should it be restored, I'll post my first trip to Boracauy with my mom and JM and followed by my first trip (soon) to Palawan.

Thinking (Again)

In my last post seven months ago (yeah, that long huh!), I was crushing on someone that left me thinking if I should profess it. It seemed my crushed has gone deeper, and an advice from my feng shui master, not to profess it as it might change the order of the universe (well, my universe only haha).

Okay, so I am not crushing anymore but falling in love but since I have been given warnings and as I get to know this person, I can put a lid on it. Heck, I realized, I am not ready to be responsible for another person, to care for this person, spend my time, effort, money etc. Wag na muna, gastos lang yan hahaha.

Thinking

The past weeks, I have been in an infatuation, crushing on someone I know but unattainable. If only I am younger... if only I look like when I was 25, I would be more confident and out there, more aggressive to get what I want. Oh well, life moves on and so must I.

Btw, just this week I heard news about someone dying, one a relative and another, a favorite Hollywood actor of mine. Really, life is too short, I might need to dig deep, find my guts and profess my love to this crush of mine...or not :)

My (Gay) Love Story

I never knew you were gay.

Akala ko, barkada lang tayo. Nakakatuwa nga ng tinanggap mo akong maging kaibigan sa kabila ng preference ko. Hmmm, dapat pala clue na yun no? I mean, may straight na lalaki ba na makikipagbarkada sa hindi straight?

Pero high school pa naman kasi tayo nun eh, so hindi pa ako ganun kahalata. Siguro type mo na ako nun pa no? Kasi never naman kita naging kaklase, saka bakit naman ako makikipagkaibigan sa yo, wala naman tayong something in common.

Lagi mo akong pinapansin. Hindi ko naman binigyan ng malisya yun aksi nga friendly naman ako.

Fast forward 20 years.

Out of the blue, minessage mo ako sa Facebook. Oo naman kilala pa kita. Kakatuwa nga na hinanap mo pa talaga ako sa Facebook para makuha number ko.

Ayan, tinetext text mo na ako. Tapos tinanong mo kung duon pa rin ako nakatira. Nung sinabi kong oo, aba nung weekend na yun, pinuntahan mo agad ako...

Kwentuhan, reminiscing old times.

At nung nagpaalam ka, I was just going to shake your hands pero anong ginawa mo?

Ninakawan mo ako ng halik.

At dyan nagsimula ang ating love story...

This Blog is 10 Years Old - OMG!!!

Ten years na pala akong luka-luka hahaha

Fifty Shades of Sex (err Grey)

I finished reading this last night. Truth be told, I am not a fan of fiction, I am a hard-core science fiction and fantasy reader. I got intrigued into reading this trilogy when I saw the movie's trailer. I am more of a book than movie, so I downloaded an e-book copy, and plowed to the story of Anastasia and Christian.

If you removed all the sex scenes in the plot, these three novels could be a short story of around 50 or so pages.

Okay, I liked it, albeit the sex scenes. I jumped ahead whenever Anastasia and Christian were doing it. Not because I find BDSM gross but for me, sex is sex. So what do I like about the novel(s)?

I find the characters well fleshed out. Though I give benefit of a doubt to how rich people acts (how would I know, I am not rich hahaha) but the emotional baggage they each have is enough to convince me to believe the way they act as they do.

What else?

I liked the way I imagine Christian to be hahaha.

I come to ask myself, is there such a thing as fifty shades? I am not that particular to shades. For me, black is black, white is white or blue. I guess I believe more on layers? People are like onions that you need to peel like at the end, either you cry at what you will find out or you carry-off your onion skin :)

Unfinished Business

I cooked this last night for today's lunch, oatmeal topped with coco jam to give flavor.  I know, still not healthy with all the sweets on top but oatmeal is so bland!

I really thought I can finish this but looks like this is just the best I can do.

Just like in life, there are fights that you go through the end and there are those that since you know is pointless, you would not go through at all. Just like today. And I am not just talking about my lunch here.

:(

Crush Crushed

Feelings I realized today:

1. the more you like a person, the greater that person's effect on you, positively or negatively
2. it is easier to fall in love than fall out of love
3. it is easier to break-up than to move on
4. you can only do so much, there are things beyond your control. No matter how much you care for that person, if that person does not feel the same way, tablado ka, iiyak mo na lang
5.  there are people you like that do not like you, the same way that there are people who like you that you do not like and people you like that like somebody else and that like you but of course you like somebody shet, nalito ako dun pero I'm sure may nakaintindi naman ng point ko

I'll add more if ever mainis na naman ako sa maghapon ko :)

It's Thursday, my most favorite day of the week...

PS - napaka-unrelated ng topic ko sa content hahahaha

I am back!

It seems I created a Ver2 of this blog: windsofchangever2.blogspot.com. Will be writing there as well :)

This blog is my personal blog, my online diary which my facebook will reflect :)

The other one will be about my learnings.

Must read today...

Find time to love...

Hope When You're Hurting

Time to get inspired!

Reasons

This is my blog and I decide to bring back the posts I deleted before about my ex-USER-partner. Since his DEAD to me, this is sort of a tribute to all the hell I've been through with him. May KARMA find him and the wife he used soon, they both deserve it!

Spending on Love (2/16/08)

When you love someone…

I realized that when it’s love, you don’t care how much you spend just to make the other person happy. Totoo pala yun, yun bang, kahit qwala ka ng pera at pambili mo na lang ng pangkain mo, di mo ginasta kasi naglambing yung mahal mo na ibili mo siya ng something… you don’t care na magutom ka (in my case, hindi naman halata na gutom ako eh). Kasi, mahal mo yung tao. Bakit ko nasabi to?

Kasi, nagkaroon ako ng comparison. Kapag kasama ko si A, I don’t care kung magkano magastos ko. Pero pag iba ang kasama ko, syet, iniisip-isip ko, ano ba tong kasama ko, nagpapalibre… di ako makatulog sa kakakwenta kung magkano nagastos ko. Ayun, the bottomline is, mahal ko ang taong ito kasi, no second thoughts, basta kaya ko… ibibigay ko. Martir no?

Lost and Gain... (3/6/08)

My boyfriend’s getting married…

For the past five years, we have kept our relationship secret. Although our society may have been accepting of gay, but our families are not. More so, both of us have dreams we want to fulfill. I put mine on hold because of him.

It is true that love is blind. That to be truly in love, one has to unconditionally. In my case, I love too much, I lost myself. I allowed him to get married. Subconsciously, this may be what I am waiting for… the freedom to live and love myself and my life. I did not allow myself that luxury in five years.

My Boyfriend's Wedding (3/12/08)

Last Saturday, I attended my boyfriend's wedding (say, ex-boyfriend). I went just because I wanted to prove to myself that I am all right with the situation... and to show him that I am moving on.

I never prepared myself to feel the smargosboard of emotionsI would experience. Seeing him with a girl for the first time, watching them say I do and I love you, witnessing their exchange of vows, and kisses, hugs... DAMN it hurt!

All throughout the ceremony, I just keep on saying, this too shall pass. A month from now, a year from now, I will be over it.

But just like my bestfriend Erich said, take it as it it, damn the hurt.

Uh oh, yeah...

Adding salt to tyhe injury, after the reception, I decided to meet up with my first boyfriend who just landed from a cruise ship. Maybe I want him to be my rebound... damn it, I'm hurt and I'm lonely, I need some loving.

WRONG!

Double the hurt, in the course of our meeting (not date because the "romantic" inclination is one-sided, my side) my ex-bf blurted out that he did not consider what we had in the past as a relationship. WHAAAAAT?

Oh well, if he didn't, I DID! But we were young then, he was 17 and I was 20 then, and that was like 10 years ago... so I forgive him. And we only lasted one semester. In the course of my one sem in my MA course.

Now...

Alone again, naturally.

Break Up Letter (4/16/08)

Yesterdday, I wrote this letter because I was so angry, but after writing it down, I never sent it...
Napapagod na ako sa paulit-ulit nating pag-aaway. Kung umabot man sa ganito yung sitwasyon, wag na nating patagalin. Naririndi na ako sa kaka-paguilty mo dahil ako may work na regular dito sa Makati. In the first place, nung ipinasok kita, may mga pangarap tayong dalawa. Di ba nga sabi mo pagbubutihin mo dahil gusto mo ng maging maayos. Hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari talaga, pero when you resigned, sinuportahan kita. Pero ang hindi ko magawa nung mga time na yun eh magresign din dahil alam mo kung gaano kalaki ang dapat bayaran buwan-buwan. Kung nagresign ako, saan tayo pupulutin? Pakita mo naman ang gratitude sa trabaho ko dito dahil aminin mo man o hindi, nakatulong din naman ito sa yo. Dito ko kinukuha yung allowance na binibigay ko sayo di ba?

Araw-araw, napapagod ako sa naririnig ko sa yo na kesyo andami mong ginagawa, andami mong tinatawagan na kesyo busing-busy ka. OO alam ko yun pero nakalimutan mo yata na nung ginagawa ko yan for the past five years, wala kang naririnig sa akin na ganyan. Kung ipapamukha mo lng sa akin yang ginagawa mo, tandaan mo, never ko pinamukha sa yo mga ginagawa ko. Hindi mo kasi alam nakakasakit ka na.

Kung ano man mga pangarap mo, kung ano mga bagay na gusto mong matupad, ikaw na lang. Lagi ako may maririnig at maririnig sa yo. Ipamukha mo na Scorpio ka. Balikan mo ako kung successful ka na, magiging masaya ako sa yo.

I think hindi na magbabago relasyon natin, mas lalo lang magiging worst. Hindi na mababago yung mga nangyayari. Ginagawa ko na lng magagawa ko para makapagbayad ng utang, gusto ko magmove-on.

Nasasaktan ako dahil hindi mo makita yung mga sakripisyo ko. Ultimo pamasahe ko, sinasakripisyo ko kung may kailangan ka.May cheque ako na puputok sa Friday pero mas inuna ko pangangailangan mo. Kung may mga babayaran, hindi ba mas nauunang bayaran yung mga nahiraman mo? Yung mga hiniraman ko, ako na nagbabayad hindi na binabawas sa ES? Kaya kung akala mo may nakukuha ako sa mga trinabaho natin, wala din. Sa loob ng limang taon, alam natin mgainvestments natin, alam natin yung mga sinakripisyo natin. Sana huwag mo kaolimutan na hindi lang ikaw ang namromroblema ng kakainin sa araw-araw. Akala mo ba enough yung binibigay ko kina nanay? Sino ba ang nagbibigay sa aming magkakapatid? Ako lng saka si Arlene. Aalis na si Arlene bukas. Hindi agad makakapagpadala yun, ngayon, saan ako kukuha ng papangkain naming? Sa sweldo ko? Alam mo kung magkano lng natitira dun, pamasahe ko kulang pa. Excuse ko na lng na nagdidiet ako at naglalakad pauwi kasi nagtitipid ako. Nagbabaon ako ng tanghalian. Putsa, manager ako pero mas mahirap pa ako sa mga staff! Pero tinitiis ko yun. Dahil TWO YEARS pa ako magbabayad ng mga utang. Naiintindihan mo ba yun? TWO YEARS pa ako mamromroblema ng 15 thousand kada buwan.

Pero napapagod na talaga ako. Hindi yung pag-absent dito sa work ang ikinaayaw ko kundi yung pagplaplano. Bakit parang sa bawat sabihin mo, kailangang sumunod ako? Ilang beses ko na sinabi sa iyo na ginagawa mo akong personal assistant mo pero parang wala sa yo yun. Parang I have to drop everything para gawin yung pinapagawa mo. Hindi yun eh. May sarili rin akong buhay, may sarili ako diskarte kung papaano gawin ang mga bagay. Kung sa tingin mo mali diskarte ko, diskarte ko yun.

Yang BIR at sa bangko, bakit ako ang sinisisi mo? Kailan ko pa ginawa yang BIR? Last week pa. Yung bangko, bakit naclose account? Kasalanan ko kasi hindi ko man lang dinepositohan? Saan ako kukuha ng pangdeposito? Sweldo ko na nga lng kulang pa. Ni pambili ko ng brief o medias, hindi ko magawa. Luma na mga barong na sinusuot ko, butas na pantaloon, lumang sapatos. Hindi ako makabili.

Alam mo kung saan ka magaling? Ang awayin ako. Napapagod rin talaga ako. Kung plinano mong maayos yan, hindi ka dapat maiipit. Pero as usual, dahil scorpio ka, hindi ka nagkakamali. Ako na naman ang may kasalanan.

Pwes, pagod na ako sa pag-ako ng mga pagkakamali at kasalanan.

Wala na ako hihingin sa yo, palayain mo na lang ako. Kung babayaran mo mga utang mo, salamat. Hindi ako nagmamadali. Unahin mo bayaran utang kay nanay. Yung sa akin, bahala ka. Bahala ka kung paano mo tatanggapin mga sinasabi ko. Magalit ka, sa akin ka magalit. Scorpio ka di ba? I-curse mo ako. It doesn’t matter anymore. Dagdag lang yan sa mga pinoproblema ko. What else is new? Sabihin mo na makarama ako, ok lng. Ituring mo ako na patay na, ok lng. Iba ang bigay sa utang pero para sa ikakapanatag mo, ibigay mo lang sa akin kung ano yung dapat, nothing more nothing less.

Wag mo ako bigyan sa EKS, sa Estar Kidz, ok lang. Sabi ko nga, bahala ka. Wag mo ako ituring na kapamilya, yung family ko, talikuran mo na, ok lang. Napapagod na ako. Nag-gigive-up na ako.

Yang Events Solutions, malaki pangarap ko dyan pero kung itutuloy mo, salamat. Hindi na ako kasama dyan. Iibahin ko na lang ang buhay ko.

Ayaw ko na makaramdam, ayaw ko ng masaktan, marami pa ako pinoproblema, hindi lang ikaw.

Pumunta ka na lng sa US. Doon mo buuin mga pangarap mo. Hindi na ako kasama.

Kung kailangan mo yung mga cheque, pipirmahan ko na lahat para magamit mo.

Yung ss sta. Lucia na lang ang kailangan ko dahil hindi ko na pera yun, sa kuya ko yun. Isang buwan ng delayed. Pagkatapos nito, kanya-kanya na tayo kung hindi mo ako kayang tanggapin kung ano lang ang pwede kong gawin.

Isipin mo na ang lahat ng masama sa akin. Siguro, ito na yung huling pagtanggap ko ng pagkakamali. Salamat sa lahat. Tapos na po. Kung hindi na tayo mag-uusap pagkatapos nito, ok lang. Kesa nag-uusap tayo, mag-aaway lang tayo. Ayaw ko na rin na sweet ka sa akin kung may kailangan ka lang. Ano yun? Ayaw ko na rin na maging kapalit ng kung ano man eh sex, hindi rin ako masaya na ganun.

Sige, good luck na lang sa yo, sa family mo at sa wife mo. Pare-pareho naman tayo nahihirapan para abutin mga pangarap natin.

Fight - Knowing When It Is Enough (7/2/08)

It's not as if I'm quitting. I'm just too tired to fight anymore. Whatever it is, so be it.

The Friendship That Was (12/08)

As a fair, educated and civil person, I am posting the letter sent by ex-bf's wife. I am so indifferent but here goes..., below is my e-mail response, not to her but to my ex.

Subject: The friendship that was

You may know me by Ex-BF’s wife. You came to our commitment ceremony in Antipolo. First of all, I want to thank you for being a special friend to Ex-BF. I really don’t want to get involve between your friendship with him.

I respected you because you a re a friend and a family to him. He told many stories on how you two met, the Events Solutions , Ingenium etc etc… I do respect you for all the things you’ve done to him. In fairness to Ex-BF, I think he did what’s he’s supposed to do as a friend and a family. I do not want to go deeper in to what kind of relationship you had with him. Maybe you are surprised why I am writing this letter. I am pretty sure you do not have a slight idea why. Now that Ex-BF is not talking to you. I am not going to compete with you. I am writing this letter because I want you to know that what you have written in your blog (windsofchangeblog.com) hurt me so much. And yes, it’s because of Ex-BF. For an educated person like you, you can actually write things about him just like that. I felt that Ex-BF never compensated you for all your efforts for him. Maybe you know Ex-BF better than I am but as a human being to be treated like trash it’s overwhelming. Whatever choice Ex-BF makes because of this discovery it will always be his decision.

Now I am married to him, I want you to consider the fact that he is not the same as before. I am being civil to you thru this letter. If he is a lost love , then let it be a lesson for you. People make mistakes. People are not perfect. This is the reality. But sometimes take into consideration the feelings for other people. You hurt him and you hurt my feelings. I’m sorry if this has to come from me. I’m sorry if the short encounter with you on our ceremony will turn out like this. I’m in this world to gain friends but as what the saying always say “ Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are”

Let this be a lesson to all of us. I love Ex-BF so much and I can’t afford to lose him anymore. I hope that you will find it in your heart to be considerate. There will be other loves in your life.

Thank you.

Ex-BF Wife

***

Now, my e-mail to Ex-BF

Your wife does not have to right to write to me because she does not know EVEYTHING that happened between us.

She may be a part of your life now, she may be your wife and I accept that, but what is she saying really?

Either you can let her read my response or you tell her, it's really up to you.

She said and I quote "First of all, I want to thank you for being a special friend to Ex-BF. I really don’t want to get involve between your friendship with him."

If that is the case, why write at all? If she doesn't want to get involved, writing to me already did make her involved.

I quote again, "Maybe you know ... better than I am but as a human being to be treated like trash it’s overwhelming."

I do know you better. Does she really know EVERYTHING we have been through these past six years? Does she know how you treated me like trash when you CHEATED on me so many times? When you have been UNFAITHFUL? When you LIED and was DECEITFUL but I ACCEPTED you and FORGIVEN you always?

How many times you cried and promised you will never ever hurt me again? If I was hurtful in my blog, I WAS HURT and expressing my HURT.

Lastly, I quote, "Now I am married to him, I want you to consider the fact that he is not the same as before."

I know you CHANGED already. The first time you came back, tinanggap pa rin kita. Nagpakatanga ako at minahal pa rin kita.

"I am being civil to you thru this letter. If he is a lost love , then let it be a lesson for you."

Well, am I supposed to tell her thank you for being civil? I don't really care about her. You are not a lost love because from the very beginning, you were never mine.

And yes, it is a lesson I am learning. I do not regret but I am fine.

"Let this be a lesson to all of us. I love EX-BF so much and I can’t afford to lose him anymore." that's what your wife said. I could say the same but in the end, it will always be your decision.

Thank you.

PS

I will take this e-mail as the answer to all my questions regarding ES, EStar Kidz etc. Obviously, I have to move on and not wait for your decisions. So it is a friendship that was. WAS as in past tense.

Thanks.

Would really appreciate it if you can stand by your promises and commitments, if not to me to my family.

***

Drama noh? Ang drama ng buhay ko. Go 2009 he he he