34.365

 

Today, being the last day of my 34 years of existence; should not be the day for a midlife crisis, but truth to tell, I am at a crossroad once again.  I have jumped cliffs and chasms before, all for the wrong reasons and here I am yet again on the precipice, uncertain.

I have yet to discover the reason, my reason.

I am allowing myself to look back, reminisce, and wallow in self-pity, just for today. I would want to vent all my frustrations and pain. Do I feel hate? That also, I feel so strongly today.  I just want to hate the world, life in general, for being unfair. Is that correct? More to the point, is it apathetic?

From the day we are born, our choice is severely limited. That is the reason I sometimes question life. Religion would have us believe that we are given free will. Science would say that it is this that set us apart from the animals. Really now.

Not all of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouth. I am where I am right now not because of just myself. I would not be here at all if it will be just me. Should I now enumerate all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate? Or maybe just accept the fact that it is what it is, life couldn’t care less for whatever we want to make of it, or make out of it.

I can vent all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate for all the backstabbing ingrates, for so-called friends who are only there because they need you but once you are useless to them, you don’t exist at all, for those in times of need, who aren’t even there? For those who are by nature evil, who dressed-up everyday with megawatt smiles, who hide behind a saintly face but whose insides are rotting? Hypocrites who tell you to your face that they feel and care for you and wants only the best for you while all the while is plotting BS.  How about those you in good faith, helped and out of the goodness of your heart, you believe that they can be good too but treated you like trashed when they have found someone else they can use?

Bitter? I don’t want to sound like one but if it’s bitterness to wish for karma to struck them now not later, then bitter I am.

I would so love to name names and curse them to rot in hell, but I am raised well.

I am now at the point in my life that the decisions I made years ago defined me who I am now, and honestly, it bothered me. 

I can only blame myself for being naïve for so long and maturity to come knocking on the eve of my natal day. Gee, I do not know if I should feel glad I woke up and realized, indeed reality bites.

I am not saying that I will be “bad” to get revenge. Revenge is not my nature or even in my nature. Why would I waste my time anymore when so much more has been wasted already?

So there, I have ranted and raved and nothing much can come out of it. Except perhaps a clean slate starting tomorrow.

Good morning

I am asking the Lord for a sign, as to which direction I shall take.  Foolish me, anything and everything is a sign! The Lord has made every day beautiful that is surely a sign. The sun rises in the east, from the darkest night; it slowly colors the skies with the magnificent hues of orange and yellow. Despite the early rays of the sun, the morning star and the full moon are still visible to the naked eyes, as if they too await the warmth of the rising sun.  The grasses glistens with dew and the birds are twittering their daybreak rituals.  I so feel invigorated with the day’s promise.

One of life’s lessons that I need to learn is how to accept. It is what it is, after everything has been said and done there is nothing to do to change what has been. It is pointless to feel hurt and pain; these will just defeat the Lord’s plan.

So if nothing went according to my plan, who am I to gainsay God’s plan?

Change and Selfishness

There are moments that we are stuck in a rut, and no matter what we do, we seem unable to get out of it.

We think that it is easy to just pick up the pieces, move on. Well, it isn’t.

There are moments when it is easier to just give up and give in, it is more easy not to do anything.

We preach, we have heard, we have been lectured on about change, how it is inevitable, how nothing is constant except change. What if you don’t to change or don’t want change to happen? Whatever it is, deciding not to change or change, there seems nothing we can do about it. It’s as if the cosmos wouldn’t care less. In the grand scheme of things, who really cares?

But we care, because for us, it’s about us. It may sound selfish, but that’s the reality of life. I don’t think there’s one person who is really unselfish or selfless. Come on, give me one name. If you give me a martyr’s name or a hero’s name, that person is selfish I’m telling you. Because he/she died without thinking about his/her family, did he/she consider the feelings of those left behind? They might have died because of the cause or principle, they might have changed the world, but still, they hurt the people that matters most to them, their family and loved ones. I am not belittling their sacrifices, my point is, it is human nature to be selfish. It’s a matter of degree and “execution.”

My point is, change will always happen, moving on is not optional because whether we go with the change or not, the whole spectrum of our life change, so if we stand still and allow the world to change, for the rest of the world, we changed by not moving on (you get what I mean?) and my last point is, everybody is selfish (to some degree) so whatever your intention may be, deep in your heart, the bottom line motivation is, selfishness. PS, I didn’t say it’s bad, it’s how you look at it.

10 Days to Go

10 days to go. I don't expect dramatic changes to happen, for most, October 4, a Tuesday is an ordinary day. People may go to school or work, while some may go through the day unnoticed, doing ordinary things they usually do. The world turns, another day, getting nearer to the Christmas season anticipated.

I’m turning 35, and yet, I do not feel my age. There are days when I feel older, what with my hypertension and diabetis, taking maintenance medicine, bones and joints aching especially in the morning when I can’t seem to get up… that is old age creeping up. Then there are days when I feel younger, especially with the immaturity I seem to possess.

So it’s my birthday ten days from now. I think it will be an ordinary day. I pray that it be so, that God continue His blessings, that my mother is still in good health, my siblings and their family safe. I have really nothing to ask from God except thank you. God has been good to us. If I have to recount the past 34 years, God has been kind to us. The mere fact that we never have to endure a day without food or shelter is a big deal already, the mere fact that we overcome the Ondoy tragedy is a big blessing already. My father might not be with us anymore, but I feel God called my father already to ease his suffering and enjoy eternal life free from pain. I miss my father.

We were never been close I admit, but upon reflection, my father and I had this unspoken bond. I don’t blame him. How can he handle having a gay son? A son with “Jr.” as suffix? But I am most grateful for his acceptance. My being gay has never been an issue or a concern. I am his son, gay or not, no buts no ifs. I so miss his simple words. He was the one who always call me during meal times. Whenever I came home from work, he always made sure that I get to eat. Those were our bonding moments, he always asked me if I have eaten already. During his last few days, I never regret that I get to spend more time taking care of him. On his last day, riding the ambulance with him, alone, that even though he had breathed his last, I know he can still hear me, you are the best father to me.

So as I celebrate my birthday ten days from now, I don’t expect for it to be extraordinary, rather, I thank God for every ordinary day He has given everyday. And October 4 may be another ordinary day, it’s all right.

It's Day 9

So far so good, and nothing to brag or shout about...

I started taking my morning walk last May 1 with the end objective of not really losing weight but gaining health.

My doctor and partner encourages me to be healthy... and not for the sake of the relationship, but for my sake, I will...

So let's take stock... since Day 1, I have been walking from 6AM to 7AM, sometimes later but not later than 7:30AM because by that time, it's hot already to walk, it's summer! I walk three times around the subdivision for 45 minutes, taking me 15 minutes to complete one round.

These walks have been doing me good. I get to think, think, think, dream, dream, dream while inhaling and exhaling the cool morning air.

This morning is slightly different, it was drizzling. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sweat (and I didn't no matter what I do, run, brisk walk or jog, it was just too cold to sweat). The drizzling rain is invigorating...

I am not expecting to miraculously lose weight, it's enough for me that I get to, one step at a time, change my lifestyle healthily.

Choices

I don't envy people who have to make difficult decisions.

And I wouldn't blame anybody for the choices they have made in their lives... we each have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Tough luck. Life is not fair, it isn't really fair. The world is not handed down to us in a silver platter.

We see our problems in different light, but because problems are personal, we see it "big" when others have no concern about it.

To each his own, and we live our life however we choose it.

Thoughts to ponder

Oftentimes, we often get caught up with our own problems, struggles and issues that we become self-centered. It is all about me, me, me. We create a bubble of self-importance and we wallow in self-pity. Such that when our bubble bursts and we realized there is a bigger picture, we can't handle it.

I admit, I have created my own bubble, my own world and when everything come crashing down, I am left bewildered, confused and ignorant.

It's easy to put blame - I blame myself, blame my life, blame everyone and everything that is in and out of my bubble, but what's the point?

It has always been my motto not to regret the things I did or did not do, why lose energy over regrets, will it change the past? No. Nothing and no one can ever change the past and however how painful or hurtful or disappointing the past is, that's it, it's all in the past.

Clinging on the past may be therapy but would these baggage of past actions, decisions do any good now?

I am also a believer that every decision, no matter how "wrong" it seemed is not entirely "wrong". We interpret things based on our experiences. My reaction to certain things is different from anybody else reaction.

I love this word "unique" ha ha, it gives an excuse that I am different from anybody else and what I say or do is all my own because I am unique.

I would want to believe that life has a purpose, that everything happens for a reason.

It might seem that life has treated us like a leaf blown by the wind, drifting or a twig following the tide, but in the end, there will always be a destination.

In my 34 years in life (discounting the first 10 years because I doubt if I had made much impact as a toddler), I believe that I have achieved the goals I have set in my life.

I graduated valedictorian in grade school, with honor in high school, cum laude in college.

I got to be a copywriter, a publicist, a managing editor, a writer with published articles and stories.

I have been to different places I have never been to. I have set-up my own business, work for one of the biggest companies. I have been a teacher.

At this juncture, I am asking myself, what is the next adventure?

That is the question I am pondering right now...

Thank you 2010

The year 2010 has seen its shares of drama in my life, but nevertheless, I have lots to be thankful for. Unlike 2009 with its Ondoy, 2010 has no major major one event that can capsulize it. But still, I feel more blessed and happy this year.

2010 saw me appointed as Student Affairs Officer at the Philippine College of Criminology - a regular job after years of events, consultancy and here I go again, a full time employment. It's been a blessing because through this, I was able to be debt free (almost, not quite as I've found out just last week, oh well, that doesn't count because as far as I know I have been a conscientious subscriber of Digitel - hayz, their records show that I still owe them after 6 years - duh - di ko tuloy nakuha yung Corbu ko!)

2010 also saw my rekindled love life - hayz. Doc or Ddy is so in love with me I really don't know why.

Last night we had dinner and spent a pre-New Year's Eve mega bonding. We were supposed to go nightswimming but it rained so we just spent the night cuddling and talking and bonding.

He is everything I could ask for - maaalahanin, mabait, generous, mapagmahal, malambing pero seloso at moody. Well, he can't be perfect kasi may mga pagkukulang din naman ako kaya ok lang.

I think 2011 will be a wonderful challenge for both of uis lalo na he's coming back to residency in a government hospital.

I think I have matured this year. Maybe because it's my responsibilities at work, maybe because I grow up.

Whatever it is, thank you 2010.

Sadness

This morning, I was feeling quite sad. I remember when I was trapped during the flood during Ondoy last year. It was only know that it is really hitting me that I with my family could have died then.

I am sad because my passion for material things is gone. Money, aside from the fact that I need it for my basic needs, doesn't really hold me. And despite the rebuilding I and my family is undergoing, I really feel I have not recovered yet.

Facebook Status

If not today, when? The seed of a great idea will not prosper unless planted. It will not grow unless nurtured. Patience is indeed a virtue, as an unripe fruit is bitter. A flower's bud is just a suggestion of it's full bloom and fragrance. Hurry not, everything has its proper timing in God's plan, so be it. - Rob Rubina, dreamer, July 27, 2010

It is so easy to say "wait"... but the act of waiting... torture.

Crocodile Tears

I am a sucker for people who cries.

I saw you cry three times (or you let me see you cry or you intentionally let me see you cry - whatever!)!

You cried because you decided to leave me. So, three time you have left and the last time, you never came - which is very fine with me.

So what am I carping about?

Because, up until this time, you still OWE me big time!

Using People/People Using You

after all this time, after all the giving, there are certain people who will just use you and leave you if they are done with you already.

they will promise heaven and earth, use their charm and sex appeal to get what they want and after getting it, will leave you to bite the dust.

there is one who after getting what he wants, helping him to get where he is now, just forgets everything. para sa iyo, gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi ka makakarating sa posisyon mo ngayon kung hindi ako nagpatapak sa yo. the least you could have done is pay off the debt you owe. all the while you thought bayad ka na? kailan pa?

i really don't care about the emotional aspect anymore, because emotionally, you are dead to me but i can't just let some things pass by without me saying my piece. if other people get to know about this, it's your fault. hindi mo inayos muna bago ka nagbago.

ang sa akin lang, wag ka sana makarma. digital pa naman karma ngayon...

Financial Independence

This December, two of my remaining credit cards will be paid in full. FINALLY. I am so proud, I did it on my own. ON MY OWN! Nabayaran ko yung mga utang na hindi naman ako ang nakinabang. Katangahan ko lang kasi, sa akin nakapangalan ang credit card.

At yung gumamit, ni ha ni ho, ni singkong duling, walang hinulog sa credit card ko. Letch! Makarma ka na sana. Bwahahahaha. Hindi ako bitter. Nabwibwiset lang ako at sa loob ng dalawang taon, ako ang nagdusa. Well, I learned my lesson at hindi na ako magpapagamit sa mga USER!

I have two remaing cards left pa, pero it's a big relief na dalawa na lang sila. From eight credit cards, to four, to two until zero -- debt freedom, here I come.

Now I can really start a new. Target date, JULY 2010. July 4, 2010 sana para Independence Day sa US.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Whatever will be, will be...

Integrity

if there is one thing I am proud of, I am proud of how I got where I am today without using and hurting other people. Upon reflection, I made it where I am today because of my own effort and skill, my talent and just being who I am. At the end of the day, I thank God for giving me the integrity and the confidence that I can look anybody in the eye and be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.

I always dream. I set myself a vision in life, of who I will be in the future. I did this when I was even in grade school. I set myself goals.

When I was in a public school in elementary, my goal was to enter a private high school, which I can only do if I become the valedictorian in our class. And I was the valedictorian.

When I was in high school, told myself, it's either UP or no school at all, leaving myself with no other alternative but UP. So I did study in UP.

In college, I told myself, I would graduate cum laude. I did.

After college, my goals include landing a job in an established company. I did. I worked for Star Cinema/ ABS-CBN for two years.

Another goal was to get published, have my name at the byline and I did - I was a managing editor at Design and Architecture Magazine, I have published articles and short stories at Star Studio Magazine, Image Magazine and even online with two children's story at lessons.ph.

After several corporate experiences, I stopped having goals. I just went with the flow. Someone encouraged me to partner in a business, and I did. I tried teaching, my childhood dream, I am teaching right now.

Now, it's time for me to dream again, set my goals, have a vision.

I am tired (not physically but emotionally and mentally tired) of "thinking". My line of work now exhaust my creative juices, leaving me no time (or inspiration) to be inspired to write. I have been thinking, it would be nice to have a desk job outside Metro Manila, just to get out of the city.

Who knows, in the very near future, I will be able to do that.

Faith and My Family

To be quite frank, I am not well-off this month. My budget is so stretched to the limit, but still, I am quite happy.

I am happy that I have a job that I like. I am happy that I do things that I like.

Despite the fact that since last August, I have been making ends meet. Since my food business went bust and my business partners left me to shoulder all the loans incurred, every month I have to pay debts totaling more than 10,000.00. Can you imagine that? My salary as a professor is way below that, plus my monthly household expenses, plus bills, plus the allowance I give to my parents, plus my daily transportation and food expenses - so how do I make ends meet? Faith.

I cannot blame my ex-partners for leaving me in a ditch. If they don't want to help me pay, that is fine with me. It hurts me that I invested in putting up the business and when it failed, I was the only one left to shoulder everything. I wonder if it's the other way around - what if the business boomed, will I still be alone? I don't think so.

But that is neither here and now. Reality is, I am alone with mountains of debts and I have to shoulder it. Alone.

I remember a year ago that five to eight credit card companies kept on calling my cellphone, our landline. My mother was so bothered about it. Demand letters from legal etc. It was really dreadful.

It hurts because no one helped me. The people I trusted where nowhere to be found.

Thank God for my family. Faith.

Whenever I am beset with these financial problems, I kneel down and pray, "Lord, please help me. With your guidance, this too shall pass. I know Lord that You have a plan for me and you will never forsake me."

After two years, yes, the Lord has not forsaken me. My financial problems, though far from over, asre on a good financial standing. Out of the eight credit cards, I have already settled four and another two nearing completion this December and the last two on May and June 2010. Thank you Lord.

My family has always been there. If I need to advance some cash to make "abono" for my events, they are there. I don't think I can ever survive and be sane without them. Nawala na ang lahat sa akin, iniwan na ako ng lahat, pero ang family ko, andyan pa rin.

In my life, I can count the angels in my life. Not including my family, I can count on my fingers the genuine people who helped me get through with my difficulty. They didn't know about it. But I guess they feel that I need them, and I have known them more than five years. I guess the true test of friendship is not on how many gatherings we have been together but on how many times we have lent a hand. I believe these people know who they are. These people did not give me money, they ghave me projects to work on. I guess I wouldn't feel achieving financial freedom if the money came from dole-outs. Thank you people, you have enriched my life and made it possible for me to take off the shackles of perpetual debt.

Just rambling...

Choices

Ang tagal ko ng hindi nagsusulat sa blog. I think I am the writer na tamad magsulat. I have been kidding myself. Oo nga writer nga ako, pero 10 years ago na yata yung huling short story ko na napublish. Since then, I have never been inspired to write. Commercially, yeah, naprapractice ko pa rin ang craft ko sa paggawa ng press releases for clients, reports etc. Pero literary? Zero pa rin.

Nangarap ako noon na makita ang pangalan ko sa byline - natupad naman. Ilang mga short story and poems ko ang napublish. Pero ang tagal na noon.

Gusto ko magsulat ng nobela pero wala pa ako o tamad ako o ayaw ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Ngayon nga, may mga pangyayari sa buhay ko na nagpabago sa lahat. Katatapos lang ng kaarawan ko noong isang buwan. Kung pwede nga lang ba kasama sa mga innod ng baha ang lahat ng mga hindi magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sana, nagsisimula ulit ako. Yun bang maging 20 years old ulit. O kaya ulitin ko yung high school life ko.

Ang dami-dami kong mga desisyon na dapat hindi ko ginawa o mga katanungang ngayon ay bumabgabg sa akin - what if iba ang choice ko? Ano na kaya ako ngayon?

Bigat.

Sa estado ng buhay ko ngayon, wala naman ako pinagsisisihan. Sabi ko nga, I am content. Sa totoo lang, wala na naman ako hinahangad na iba para sa sarili ko. Wala na akong gustong mangyari - which is parang hindi na mganda. Kasi kung walang goals, walang point na magstrive at mabuhay.

Nung elementary, high school and college, ang goal lang eh makatapos. Bonus na lang pag naging honor student. While working, ang goal ay makakuha ng trabaho to be financially independent, pero pagkatapos magpaalila sa corporate world, eh di naman yata sapat na patayin ko ang sarili ko kapalit ang pera.

Buti na lang hindi ako magastos na tao, hindi ako what's the term? Hindi ako high maintenance. Sus, when I quit working for companies and decided to work for muyself, katakot-takot na hirap ang dinanas at na-experience ko.

Pero kung titimbangin, saan ba ako mas naging masaya?

Looking back, feeling ko para akong isang dahon na nalaglag sa ilog o bangkang papel na sumusunod lamang sa agos ng tubig.

Minsan, gusto ko murahin ang sarili ko. Wala ba akong buto para gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ko talaga? Kaso ang nakakatawa, hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko.

Yan ang hirap sa tumatanda eh, baka napaglipasan ko na yung pangarap ko.

Echos!

Ondoy's Birthday Gift To Me

Last October 4 was my birthday, but I didn't really get to celebrate it. The past weeks, and up until now, the news is all about Ondoy and the flood. I never realized and I never dreamed that I will be part of the news, a newsworthy but worrying news.

You see, where I live was devastated by the flood Ondoy caused.

It was a rainy Saturday, my nephew JM was with me. The street started flooding, but that was normal. Our street always flood, but it never rises and never entered our compound as our houses are a little bit higher than the street.

The rain never stopped and it was already creeping up. The flood started rising and rising until it entered our houses. We never thought it would rise up to more than a couple of inches so what we just did was put everythingn on a higher place like making sure the TV was on top of the dining room table.

The water just kept on rising until finally it was waist level. There was only me and my nephew and I have to take all my office files and other appliances to the 2nd floor. By the time I was done, the flood was chest deep and all my clothes and books at my parents house was already submerged.

Saturday ended badly. Blackout. I was only able to save water and food that was in the fridge. The refrigerator and sofa were already floating at the 1st floor. All other appliances were submerged at our other house. By midnight, the flood was already "lampas tao".

Ondoy left Saturday but the flood never left that Sunday. It was still too high. We could not go out. By that time, my other nephew Romel was with me already, but was having a complication. He was having an asthma attack! Since there was no electricity, he could not nebulize. He had no inhaler. He thought he was dying. I thought so too. None of us could go out as the water was like rapids.

I told Romel's father at the other house to do something but he didn't budge. Fortunately, my office assistant swam to our house to take Romel out of the house and to a hospital. We had an inflatable chair (JM's toy) but no air pump so my staff, James, manually inflated the chair. This they use to be able to float and navigate the flood.

I could never show panic, I had my nephew with me. Fortunately, he never saw the experience as traumatic. He never cried. We prayed. I invented games to keep my nephew occupied.

The only food we were able to eat for two days while we were stranded was ensaymada. That was it. For two days, there were no rice, no hot water for coffee.

Monday, the flood receded. I was finally able to go down the house and out to the streets. Our house (my parents house)was all in mud. All my clothes, books, papers are in mud.

But thank God my family and I survived this disaster.

If there is one thing I learned during this experience, it was to value life and learn to let go of material possessions.

Life and Deaths

Sigh

It has been a long time since I wrote in any of my blog.

Of course the whole world knows about the deasth of Cory Aquino already. I was awake that Saturday because of stomach flu so I found out about it. I cried.

Then, last Tuesday, I heard about the death of my student Jessie. His mom dropped by the school to tell us about the death of his son.

It was so sudden. The boy was smart, friendly and good looking. He had his whole life ahead of him. He was so young.

I remember him sitting always in the front row, at the aisle so how can I forget him?

He volunteered to do a report one time at school. And when he was sick on the day of an exam, he texted me to apologize that he could not make it. And when he wsent back to school after getting well, he took the exam eventhough he was still weak.

Awwww. I would like to think that I made an impact to him.

I pray for his peaceful repose.

First Quarter of 2009

The first quarter of this year has come and gone, what have I accomplished so far?

I have been drifting, still unsure of what I would like to become... seems like time is running out but I am unrushed, unconcerned.

Why Do I Blog?

My blog. Geeesh. Why do I post everything on my blog? Even the most embarassing and painful things?

Why not?

Well for one, I never really know that there would be other people reading my blog. This is for me, my personal journal. But since there are other people who took the time to read my blog and react (even vioently sometimes) so I guess I have to explain why I post what I post.

My blog is my blog. I can post whatever I want.

Someone said I should take responsibility with the things I write. Hey, I always DO. If anybody is offended with any of my postings, you are FREE not to read my blog. Gosh, I am not forcing you to read it.

Now, if you think you are misrepresented in any of my blogs, it's not my fault. My blog is a reflection of how certain people treated me. If you treat me nice, then I'll be all praises but if you do something out of the blue, then do not expect my respect in return.

There are people who spout words such as "respect" etc. but I wonder, do they really know what they are saying?

I blog because I have been USED and it is only now that I can express what I feel. Why suppress my feelings? My emotions are valid. If you are offended by what I have expressed, write your own blog and attack me there. Geeesh.

I am a legitimate, feeling individual.

Violent reactions are welcome because I don't really care. I just realized, why would I care? I care for my feelings, for myself before I care for you.

Selfish?

Not really. I have sacrificed and given other people priority over me. It's time I take care of myself coz no other will be.