34.365

 

Today, being the last day of my 34 years of existence; should not be the day for a midlife crisis, but truth to tell, I am at a crossroad once again.  I have jumped cliffs and chasms before, all for the wrong reasons and here I am yet again on the precipice, uncertain.

I have yet to discover the reason, my reason.

I am allowing myself to look back, reminisce, and wallow in self-pity, just for today. I would want to vent all my frustrations and pain. Do I feel hate? That also, I feel so strongly today.  I just want to hate the world, life in general, for being unfair. Is that correct? More to the point, is it apathetic?

From the day we are born, our choice is severely limited. That is the reason I sometimes question life. Religion would have us believe that we are given free will. Science would say that it is this that set us apart from the animals. Really now.

Not all of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouth. I am where I am right now not because of just myself. I would not be here at all if it will be just me. Should I now enumerate all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate? Or maybe just accept the fact that it is what it is, life couldn’t care less for whatever we want to make of it, or make out of it.

I can vent all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate for all the backstabbing ingrates, for so-called friends who are only there because they need you but once you are useless to them, you don’t exist at all, for those in times of need, who aren’t even there? For those who are by nature evil, who dressed-up everyday with megawatt smiles, who hide behind a saintly face but whose insides are rotting? Hypocrites who tell you to your face that they feel and care for you and wants only the best for you while all the while is plotting BS.  How about those you in good faith, helped and out of the goodness of your heart, you believe that they can be good too but treated you like trashed when they have found someone else they can use?

Bitter? I don’t want to sound like one but if it’s bitterness to wish for karma to struck them now not later, then bitter I am.

I would so love to name names and curse them to rot in hell, but I am raised well.

I am now at the point in my life that the decisions I made years ago defined me who I am now, and honestly, it bothered me. 

I can only blame myself for being naïve for so long and maturity to come knocking on the eve of my natal day. Gee, I do not know if I should feel glad I woke up and realized, indeed reality bites.

I am not saying that I will be “bad” to get revenge. Revenge is not my nature or even in my nature. Why would I waste my time anymore when so much more has been wasted already?

So there, I have ranted and raved and nothing much can come out of it. Except perhaps a clean slate starting tomorrow.