This letter is dated April 1998. Amee is my best friend since then. I happen to open a file of old old letters and I saw this one. What I said to Amee is still true for me now. Amee is now happily married and is expecting to give birth next year.
Thursday, April 02, 1998 2:54 AM
Amee,
Just finished writing Khel a letter. Ewan ko ba, pero kanina pa ako antok na antok, kagigising ko lang ulit. First off, my response to your letter. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay. That’s a natural reaction. I really think you handled the situation very well. Saludo ako sa iyo kid!
This letter carries two points. The first one, never ever close your door to love, if you do, at least leave the window open. Don’t let this experience ruin your chance to true happiness. Yeah right, you’ve been through a lot with him but have you ever stop and consider that because of this experience, you changed. You are a stronger person. You are different. You are not a lovesick puppy anymore nor a teenager clamoring for some guy’s attention. Remember, you have loved, and that’s the most wonderful experience in the whole world. In fact, I could say you’re lucky! Because of this experience, you can get to know what love is. And the next time love comes along, at least you already know what you’re getting into. You can at least say to yourself and be proud, I know how to love! Love then would be something sweeter and better. Never deprive yourself of the happiness that’s rightfully yours. Sure you’ve been hurt, but being hurt prepares you to experience, to appreciate the better things in life. At least ngayon, alam mo na!
Next point, I think (and I do believe) that you do love yourself. Never could you have loved another person unless you love yourself first. You might not now it, but your love for him is a reflection of your love for yourself. You might ask yourself, why do I love him so much? Because, in a way, this is your expression of loving yourself. Think about it. He loves music the same kind as you, he’s into guitar, you like to be into that too. You can never have loved him unless there’s something in him that doesn’t reflect your love for yourself. Believe me when I say, you see something you in him, that’s why you loved him.
On my part, believe me when I told you that I really don’t know who I am. That’s right, what I told you in the stockroom is all truth. But it is something I rather not talk about. At this stage, feeling ko, wala akong mafeel. I just want to go with the flow. Indifferent. Eventually, I’ll change. I just don’t know yet kung anong direction. I would like to sincerely thank you sa pagtitiyaga. Sana someday, I’ll be as strong as you are. I’ll be able to stand and stay, this is me. Accept me for who I am. I am proud of myself.
Bye na.
Inaantok uli ako.
Hirayamanawari,
Jay Ruiz
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