Choices

Sometimes, it is so hard to choose, that we let time slip away and make the choice for us. Not making a choice is still a choice.

We don't have a give of foresight, which is probably good because if we do are able to see our future, and correct our present course of action, wouldn't that negate the future? So the paradox would be, did our foresight true or just wild imaginings? We cannot verify and the bottomline is, life then would become boring.

If we are to act in a pre-ordained set of patterns, what's the point of living?

I guess, no, I believe for that matter, that free will makes us human.

What makes us humane is choosing that free will for the good.

I admit, I was pretty selfish in the past, I only think about myself or only help those that can give me satisfaction in return.

Quite true, that you can only be mature with experience. Looking back to who I was ten years ago, I could just cringe.

Party, gimmicks, late-night dates, drinking but no drugs or smoking, promiscuity etc.

Not only that, my self-confidence in my career is probably the worst.

I was afraid of my bosses, I was always afraid that they wouldn't like my work, I was afraid of getting fired, I was afraid of coming in late, I was afraid of going home on time, I was afraid of so many things.

Time and experience do bring about the confidence in me...

Although I admit that where I am now is a consequence of all my decisions, I am quite surprised to see where it has taken me so far...

TBC

Parenthood

I would like to pay tribute to my parents and to myself. Nothing earth shattering happened this week that inspired me to write this. I just feel like it.

I remember my childhood with fondness. There are lots of experiences when I was a child that hurts me but upon retrospect, I finally understand it now.

My parents did not come from a rich family. My father is a welder and my mother is a plain housewife and despite my father's low income, he was able to send all six of his children, us, to school. My mother is a superwoman in budgeting.

When I was a kid, when all I know in life is playing - I clean our front porch and I was happy to get a 25 centavos. Yup, it was a lot way back then. I would buy candies and toys for beinte singko.

I would know that it is a special occasion in our house if there will be a coke litro during dinner. And because we seldom drink softdrinks, we kids would line up all our glasses just to make sure that the coke is equally distributed among the eight glasses.

It was a big deal for my mother to buy a tang orange then or sunny orange. That is usually reserved for birthdays. Sunny orange or ritchie (where are those now?).

I am not ashamed that we were poor because during my childhood, I didn't know we were. New clothes during Christmas. Hand-me-downs is usual because I have four older brothers. New toys only after we have made the rounds of our ninongs and ninangs.

I am proud of my father and my mother. Because despite the economic difficulty, they were able to buy a lot in Cainta.

I remember then that our house is made up of yero, kahoy that during typhoons, you could hear the roof almost flying and in summer, you cannot really sleep indoors because the yero were so hot. I remember our floor, made up of dirt that every afternoon, we have to water so that the dust would settle down.

I remember our water pump that when I was a kid, my brothers and I would take turns in filling up the drum for our water needs. I remember our backyard then with kangkong, talbos ng kamote, kamoteng kahoy and aratiles. We used to have a chicken coop, and ducks, and dogs then.

And I felt then that I was lucky.

I was never envious of my rich classmates, maybe because I was innocent then. Money has really not much value for a young kid. As long as there is sampalok or aratiles, as long as we can play until night falls - patintero, tumbang preso, piko...

I never really liked vegetables except togue, squash and potato. As long as I can mash it and mix it with my food, then it's good. the broth is just fine. Sinangag is my fave breakfast but not tuyo or galunggong. Kamatis, that I like.

Things moved on dramatically after those simple yesteryears.

I don't envy the kids today na hindi na marunong magsaing, mag-igib ng tubig or maghugas ng pinggan. Spoiled na nga talaga ang generation today.

And in all of these things, my parents has remained constant. I only realized and appreciate their hardship nowadays. I hope it's not too late for me to give them something back, to make their lives a little bit easier compared to before.

They have taught me the discipline and the value of money...

TBC

I Know Him So Well

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

There was never a closure, there was never really a goodbye. In every relationship, I always end up alone, pondering on what happened - where did I go wrong? Wasn't what I give enough? Oh no, this song is not for every man that left me. Yes, I knew them well after they left me, but this is really about me, how I know myself more after each relationship. Those relationships are never a failure nor are they successful but experiences that I learn from.

But yes, the lyrics of the song fits my love life. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't plunge into relationships. I would handle things differently.

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine?
Oh so good
Oh so fine
He can't be mine?
But in the end he needs
A little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his fantasy
And freedom
I know him so well.


It was good while it lasted... but in the end, they do need their fantasy and freedom, so I have to let go...

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.


Ouch, in every relationship, I made them my world. That probably is a big mistake because however much attention and care and love I give, it would seem never enough.

Looking back I could
Have played things
Some other way
Looking back I could
Have played it
Differently
Learned about the man
Before I fell
I was just a little
Careless maybe


Maybe. But in a gay relationship, there is really no "courting" stage. You get to know about the man while you jump into the relationship...

But I was
Ever so much
Younger then
Now at least
Now at least
I know him well
I know I know him well
Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness


It's a convenient excuse, I was young then...

Oh so good
Oh so fine

He won't be mine?
Didn't I know
How it would go?
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?

Isn't it madness
He won't be mine?
He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a
Little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his
Fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

It took time to understand him
I know him so well

Great Love

Last night, a had a dream. In my dream, I was with my first great love. He was my high school best friend. It threw me on a loop that after almost 20 years, the memory of my first love would come to haunt my dreams.

He was my best friend but even before high school ended, we parted ways. It has always puzzled me why he drifted away but looking back, now I think I know why.

We were inseparable in 2nd year. If I was really "out" then, I don't think we could have been friends. Maybe I fell in love with him because he was really handsome. Maybe because he was very sweet and attentive. Maybe because he was very funny. Maybe because he was smart. Maybe because I always saw in him a puppy-eyed look every time he talked about his broken family. Maybe because I was his shoulder to cry on. Maybe. A lot of maybes.

Do I regret my being gay on the cost of losing my friendship and my first great love? Probably. But my gender is not by choice. It is pointless to ponder the what-ifs because there's nothing else to be done, just to be thankful that in those few brief years in high schools, I fell in love for the first time.

We weren't classmates in first year. I prayed so hard that in second year, I could have one good friend since I wasn't able to establish close friendship in the previous years.

Our surnames were right next to each other, so we became seatmates. He was very friendly and was very popular in class. Like I said, we became inseparable.

Came fourth year, for one stupid reason I could not remember now, we had a fight. And for the remaining months, he ignored me.

That time, I was heartbroken. I didn't know the reason why we quarrel and despite efforts from me and our other friends, we didn't make up.

Upon reflection, now I knew why.

We reconnected years back when I was already working and he finishing medical school.

I guess it was time to state the obvious to him, I told him I am gay.

There. We lose connection again.

From his reaction, either he is homophobic or is afraid to validate that he can also be gay.

And I think that was the reason we drifted in our last months in high school.

He was popular. He was a CAT Officer. He was good looking. He was courting a girl then. So how would it look to have a gay best friend?

So that's my first love. The purest love I have ever known.

In my dream last night, for the first time, we kissed. And it was the sweetest kiss I have ever tasted. Even if only it is a dream.

Financial Independence

This December, two of my remaining credit cards will be paid in full. FINALLY. I am so proud, I did it on my own. ON MY OWN! Nabayaran ko yung mga utang na hindi naman ako ang nakinabang. Katangahan ko lang kasi, sa akin nakapangalan ang credit card.

At yung gumamit, ni ha ni ho, ni singkong duling, walang hinulog sa credit card ko. Letch! Makarma ka na sana. Bwahahahaha. Hindi ako bitter. Nabwibwiset lang ako at sa loob ng dalawang taon, ako ang nagdusa. Well, I learned my lesson at hindi na ako magpapagamit sa mga USER!

I have two remaing cards left pa, pero it's a big relief na dalawa na lang sila. From eight credit cards, to four, to two until zero -- debt freedom, here I come.

Now I can really start a new. Target date, JULY 2010. July 4, 2010 sana para Independence Day sa US.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Whatever will be, will be...

Integrity

if there is one thing I am proud of, I am proud of how I got where I am today without using and hurting other people. Upon reflection, I made it where I am today because of my own effort and skill, my talent and just being who I am. At the end of the day, I thank God for giving me the integrity and the confidence that I can look anybody in the eye and be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished.

I always dream. I set myself a vision in life, of who I will be in the future. I did this when I was even in grade school. I set myself goals.

When I was in a public school in elementary, my goal was to enter a private high school, which I can only do if I become the valedictorian in our class. And I was the valedictorian.

When I was in high school, told myself, it's either UP or no school at all, leaving myself with no other alternative but UP. So I did study in UP.

In college, I told myself, I would graduate cum laude. I did.

After college, my goals include landing a job in an established company. I did. I worked for Star Cinema/ ABS-CBN for two years.

Another goal was to get published, have my name at the byline and I did - I was a managing editor at Design and Architecture Magazine, I have published articles and short stories at Star Studio Magazine, Image Magazine and even online with two children's story at lessons.ph.

After several corporate experiences, I stopped having goals. I just went with the flow. Someone encouraged me to partner in a business, and I did. I tried teaching, my childhood dream, I am teaching right now.

Now, it's time for me to dream again, set my goals, have a vision.

I am tired (not physically but emotionally and mentally tired) of "thinking". My line of work now exhaust my creative juices, leaving me no time (or inspiration) to be inspired to write. I have been thinking, it would be nice to have a desk job outside Metro Manila, just to get out of the city.

Who knows, in the very near future, I will be able to do that.

Faith and My Family

To be quite frank, I am not well-off this month. My budget is so stretched to the limit, but still, I am quite happy.

I am happy that I have a job that I like. I am happy that I do things that I like.

Despite the fact that since last August, I have been making ends meet. Since my food business went bust and my business partners left me to shoulder all the loans incurred, every month I have to pay debts totaling more than 10,000.00. Can you imagine that? My salary as a professor is way below that, plus my monthly household expenses, plus bills, plus the allowance I give to my parents, plus my daily transportation and food expenses - so how do I make ends meet? Faith.

I cannot blame my ex-partners for leaving me in a ditch. If they don't want to help me pay, that is fine with me. It hurts me that I invested in putting up the business and when it failed, I was the only one left to shoulder everything. I wonder if it's the other way around - what if the business boomed, will I still be alone? I don't think so.

But that is neither here and now. Reality is, I am alone with mountains of debts and I have to shoulder it. Alone.

I remember a year ago that five to eight credit card companies kept on calling my cellphone, our landline. My mother was so bothered about it. Demand letters from legal etc. It was really dreadful.

It hurts because no one helped me. The people I trusted where nowhere to be found.

Thank God for my family. Faith.

Whenever I am beset with these financial problems, I kneel down and pray, "Lord, please help me. With your guidance, this too shall pass. I know Lord that You have a plan for me and you will never forsake me."

After two years, yes, the Lord has not forsaken me. My financial problems, though far from over, asre on a good financial standing. Out of the eight credit cards, I have already settled four and another two nearing completion this December and the last two on May and June 2010. Thank you Lord.

My family has always been there. If I need to advance some cash to make "abono" for my events, they are there. I don't think I can ever survive and be sane without them. Nawala na ang lahat sa akin, iniwan na ako ng lahat, pero ang family ko, andyan pa rin.

In my life, I can count the angels in my life. Not including my family, I can count on my fingers the genuine people who helped me get through with my difficulty. They didn't know about it. But I guess they feel that I need them, and I have known them more than five years. I guess the true test of friendship is not on how many gatherings we have been together but on how many times we have lent a hand. I believe these people know who they are. These people did not give me money, they ghave me projects to work on. I guess I wouldn't feel achieving financial freedom if the money came from dole-outs. Thank you people, you have enriched my life and made it possible for me to take off the shackles of perpetual debt.

Just rambling...

Choices

Ang tagal ko ng hindi nagsusulat sa blog. I think I am the writer na tamad magsulat. I have been kidding myself. Oo nga writer nga ako, pero 10 years ago na yata yung huling short story ko na napublish. Since then, I have never been inspired to write. Commercially, yeah, naprapractice ko pa rin ang craft ko sa paggawa ng press releases for clients, reports etc. Pero literary? Zero pa rin.

Nangarap ako noon na makita ang pangalan ko sa byline - natupad naman. Ilang mga short story and poems ko ang napublish. Pero ang tagal na noon.

Gusto ko magsulat ng nobela pero wala pa ako o tamad ako o ayaw ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Ngayon nga, may mga pangyayari sa buhay ko na nagpabago sa lahat. Katatapos lang ng kaarawan ko noong isang buwan. Kung pwede nga lang ba kasama sa mga innod ng baha ang lahat ng mga hindi magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sana, nagsisimula ulit ako. Yun bang maging 20 years old ulit. O kaya ulitin ko yung high school life ko.

Ang dami-dami kong mga desisyon na dapat hindi ko ginawa o mga katanungang ngayon ay bumabgabg sa akin - what if iba ang choice ko? Ano na kaya ako ngayon?

Bigat.

Sa estado ng buhay ko ngayon, wala naman ako pinagsisisihan. Sabi ko nga, I am content. Sa totoo lang, wala na naman ako hinahangad na iba para sa sarili ko. Wala na akong gustong mangyari - which is parang hindi na mganda. Kasi kung walang goals, walang point na magstrive at mabuhay.

Nung elementary, high school and college, ang goal lang eh makatapos. Bonus na lang pag naging honor student. While working, ang goal ay makakuha ng trabaho to be financially independent, pero pagkatapos magpaalila sa corporate world, eh di naman yata sapat na patayin ko ang sarili ko kapalit ang pera.

Buti na lang hindi ako magastos na tao, hindi ako what's the term? Hindi ako high maintenance. Sus, when I quit working for companies and decided to work for muyself, katakot-takot na hirap ang dinanas at na-experience ko.

Pero kung titimbangin, saan ba ako mas naging masaya?

Looking back, feeling ko para akong isang dahon na nalaglag sa ilog o bangkang papel na sumusunod lamang sa agos ng tubig.

Minsan, gusto ko murahin ang sarili ko. Wala ba akong buto para gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ko talaga? Kaso ang nakakatawa, hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko.

Yan ang hirap sa tumatanda eh, baka napaglipasan ko na yung pangarap ko.

Echos!

My Gift

This is my gift to myself and to my family. Her name is Suzy. She is a Shih Tzu. You can see her other pictures at my facebook account - robrobe@yahoo.com. Having her is like having a baby. But most importantly, she takes the stress off me.

Ondoy's Birthday Gift To Me

Last October 4 was my birthday, but I didn't really get to celebrate it. The past weeks, and up until now, the news is all about Ondoy and the flood. I never realized and I never dreamed that I will be part of the news, a newsworthy but worrying news.

You see, where I live was devastated by the flood Ondoy caused.

It was a rainy Saturday, my nephew JM was with me. The street started flooding, but that was normal. Our street always flood, but it never rises and never entered our compound as our houses are a little bit higher than the street.

The rain never stopped and it was already creeping up. The flood started rising and rising until it entered our houses. We never thought it would rise up to more than a couple of inches so what we just did was put everythingn on a higher place like making sure the TV was on top of the dining room table.

The water just kept on rising until finally it was waist level. There was only me and my nephew and I have to take all my office files and other appliances to the 2nd floor. By the time I was done, the flood was chest deep and all my clothes and books at my parents house was already submerged.

Saturday ended badly. Blackout. I was only able to save water and food that was in the fridge. The refrigerator and sofa were already floating at the 1st floor. All other appliances were submerged at our other house. By midnight, the flood was already "lampas tao".

Ondoy left Saturday but the flood never left that Sunday. It was still too high. We could not go out. By that time, my other nephew Romel was with me already, but was having a complication. He was having an asthma attack! Since there was no electricity, he could not nebulize. He had no inhaler. He thought he was dying. I thought so too. None of us could go out as the water was like rapids.

I told Romel's father at the other house to do something but he didn't budge. Fortunately, my office assistant swam to our house to take Romel out of the house and to a hospital. We had an inflatable chair (JM's toy) but no air pump so my staff, James, manually inflated the chair. This they use to be able to float and navigate the flood.

I could never show panic, I had my nephew with me. Fortunately, he never saw the experience as traumatic. He never cried. We prayed. I invented games to keep my nephew occupied.

The only food we were able to eat for two days while we were stranded was ensaymada. That was it. For two days, there were no rice, no hot water for coffee.

Monday, the flood receded. I was finally able to go down the house and out to the streets. Our house (my parents house)was all in mud. All my clothes, books, papers are in mud.

But thank God my family and I survived this disaster.

If there is one thing I learned during this experience, it was to value life and learn to let go of material possessions.

LRT Ride Chapter 2

101 days before Christmas! Grabe, Pasko na naman. Parang katatapos lang ng Mahal na Araw at hindi ko na naman namalayan na Pasko na.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako o malulungkot. Eto na naman ako, pasakay ng lrt. Papasok sa school, hindi para mag-aral kung hindi para magturo. Tumatanda na ako. Bakit nga ba sa dinarami-daming propesyon, pagtuturo pa napili ko. Cum laude naman ako. He he he, nakakapagod din naman kasi magtrabaho sa opisina. Sampung taon ang ginugol ko na may boss, may amo at pinapagyaman ang iba't-ibang kumpanya, saka ko narealize, oh God I hate this life.

I have always wanted to teach. Yun nga lang hindi ako nag-education kasi sabi nga, wala daw yumaman na titser. Ewan ko lang, para kasing marami akong gusto ishare sa mga kabataan. Para kasi nuong estudyante ako, maraming mga maling ituro.

Gusto kong sabihin sa mga estudyante na, hey guys, enjoy being a student while it lasts. Habang binibigyan pa kayo ng allowance ng mga magulang nyo, ienjoy nyo dahil sa real world, kung kayo na bumubuhay sa sarili mo, ikaw na talaga bahala sa buhay mo.

Hindi na pwede kumopya sa katabi pag may pinagawang memo sa yo o di kaya ay magpagawa ng report sa Recto.

Oooooops. Biglang huminto ang tren sa pagitan ng Santolan at Katipunan. Nabasag pagmumuni-muni ko ng isang ale na nagtatatalak.

'Bastos ka! Kanina ka pa nanunulak!'

Kawawa naman yung mamang inaaway nung ale. Eto namang ale, walang patumanggang tumalak eh. Sino ba inaaway nito? Hala, ang co-teacher ko pala na hindi ko masyado kakclose. Si Prof. Bahandi. Tsk tsk, ang hirap talaga pag rush hour. Kawawa naman si Mark, sigurado ako hiyang-hiya na eto sa pinagsasabi ng ale.

Hindi ako makapagpigil, 'Ang ingay-ingay naman! Kung nasisikipan kayo, magtaxi na lang kayo!' sabi ko. Malakas ang loob ko kasi nakaupo ako at hindi ako nakikita ng nagwawalang ale.

Alam ko nabosesan ako ni Mark. Kawawa naman kasi si Mark eh, mas naaawa ako sa mga estudyante niya at baka mapagbalingan nya ngayong araw na ito ng kanyang pagkabadtrip sa ale.

Hindi katulad ko, si Mark ay talagang kumuha ng education at planado talagang maging guro. Bata pa naman si Mark, siguro matanda lang ako sa kanya ng ilang taon. Dahil nga medyo kabataan pa, halos kaidaran lang niya ang mga estudyante sa kolehiyong pinagtuturuan namin.

Achiever yang si Mark. Sa pagkakaalam ko, cum laude din pagkagraduate at kinuha agad magturo sa kolehiyo. May katangkaran si Mark, mga 5'8, moreno at may magandang pangangatawan. Siguro naggygym etong si Mark dahil bakat sa barong na uniporme niyang suot ang kanyang dibdib.

Maamo ang mukha ni Mark, yung bang tipong hindi nang-aaway at hindi gagawa ng masama. Mapula ang labi na parang ang sarap halikan, mahaba ang pilikmata, mapungay ang mga mata at ang tangos ng ilong. Mas lalong nakadagdag sa kanyang kakisigan ay yung mga dimples niya sa kanyang mga pisngi na lumalabas pag siya ay ngumingiti. Isama mo pa duon ang parang balahibong pusa niyang bigote.

Sus, bakit ba ang dami ko yatang alam kay Mark? Eh kasi naman, sa unang tungtong ko pa lang sa kolehiyong ito, pagkakita ko sa kanya, nakaramdam na ako ng kakaiba. Gusto ko siya.

Video Greetings to Arlene

He he he, medyo late but better late than never...

LRT Ride Chapter 1

Note: This story was written while riding the LRT this morning using my Nokia E63 cellphone.


'Bastos ka! Kanina ka pa nanunulak ah! Kalalaki mong tao, bastos ka' sigaw ng isang ale.

'Di naman sinasadya. Masikip ang lrt lalo na't umaga.' sagot ng lalaking nakabangga sa ale.

'Anong masikip, kanina ka pa sa escalator. Bastos ka, walang modo. Kanina ka pa eh. Nanunulak ka eh. Para kang walang pinag-aralan!' singhal pa rin ng ale na dinig na dinig na sa buong coach ng lrt line papuntang Recto.

'Ale, iba yung nanunulak sa nabangga. Alam nyo nmang sisiksikan at masikip' katwiran ng mama.

Hindi naman papaawat ang ale. 'Kanina ka pa nanunulak eh. Kalalaki mong tao. Bastos ka. Wala kang galang sa babae.'

Ayaw pa rin magpaawat ng ale na kahit nakakaistorbo na sa ibang mga pasahero, putak pa rin ng putak. Para sa mga estudyanteng mananakay, dito na sila sa lrt nagrereview. At sa katulad ko na maagang nagigising, dito na ako sa lrt umiidlip at nagnanakaw ng tulog. Siguro ay may ilang pasahero na rin ang naiistorbo kaya may mga humihirit na.

'Kung ayaw mo mabangga, bumili ka ng tren mo!'

'Magtaxi ka na lang!'

'Bumaba ka na, ang ingay mo!'

'Guard, para daw may bababa!'

Na lalong nagpainit sa ulo ng ale.

'Mga bastos kayo! Paano kung nanay nyo ang naitulak ha!' singhal ng ale.

Sa totoo lang, wala naman makakuha ng simpatya ang ale dahil ayaw nya tumahimik. Kahit nga ang kapwa nya babae eh napapailing na lang dahil tama na nga siguro ang isang beses na pagpuna. Laha naman nagsasakripisyo kapag ganitong umaga at siksikan sa lrt.

Siguro, para matapos na lang ang pagwawala ng ale, sabi na lang ng mama.

'Eh kung naitulak ko man po kayo, pasensya na po. I'm a professor at ayaw ko po na patulan kayo.'

Pero sadya yatang pinakain ng pwet ng manok ang ale ng sanggol pa ito.

'Ayan, marunong ka naman palang humingi ng sorry. Hindi yung porke babae, pwede mo ng itulak-tulak. Kayo talagang mga lalaki, walang modo. Propesyunal na naturingan, bastos. Bastos!!!!!'

Kung ako yung lalaki, babawiin ko yung sorry ko. Ang lumalabas na bastos na dito eh yung ale na wala pa ring tigil sa pagputak na parang inahing manok na hindi makapangitlog.

'Ano ba, ang ingay ingay naman.'

'Hindi na ba titigil yan'

Inis na ang ibang mga pasahero na lalo naman nagpatindi sa pagwawala ng ale.

'Dyan kayo magagaling. Mga bastos kayong lahat! Mga walang modo. Kawawa ang mga asawa nyo, mga anak na babae, mga nanay nyo. Kalalaki nyong tao, mga bastos kayo!' gigil na gigil na yung ale.

Hay, kawawa naman yung mga estudyante ng mama, kasi I'm sure, doon niya ibubunton ang pagkasira ng araw niya dahil lamang sa siksikan sa lrt.

Life and Deaths

Sigh

It has been a long time since I wrote in any of my blog.

Of course the whole world knows about the deasth of Cory Aquino already. I was awake that Saturday because of stomach flu so I found out about it. I cried.

Then, last Tuesday, I heard about the death of my student Jessie. His mom dropped by the school to tell us about the death of his son.

It was so sudden. The boy was smart, friendly and good looking. He had his whole life ahead of him. He was so young.

I remember him sitting always in the front row, at the aisle so how can I forget him?

He volunteered to do a report one time at school. And when he was sick on the day of an exam, he texted me to apologize that he could not make it. And when he wsent back to school after getting well, he took the exam eventhough he was still weak.

Awwww. I would like to think that I made an impact to him.

I pray for his peaceful repose.

The Merry Month of May

May has always been the busiest month for me. Just recently, I just finished directing Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall's Search for Little Stars (Semis) and Search for Mrs. Sta. Lucia.

So I was stressed for the past week, what with the direction, choreography, dancers, contestants, budget (!!!!!) and at the same time account management for corporate accounts.

Geeeeez, last Saturday during Little Stars, I'm freaking. I have a fever. As soon as I got home, I fell into an exhaustive sleep only to wake up earloy for another event (Mother's Day!).

I have three Mother's Day event at three malls. Geeesh. Sa pagmamadali ko, naiwan ko pa cellphone ko (is it a sign na bumili na ako ng new phone????).

The whole morning during the dry run (galing ng mga mommy, sumayaw for the opening number, mas magaling ako, napasayaw ko sila he he he) panic mode ako kasi syempre clients are calling my cellphone eh di ko naman dala. Naihabol din naman kaya wala namang sumablay sa mga events.

I was so tired but fulfilled. My clients are satisfied and happy. I will be happy as soon as I collected he he he.

Another event to prepare for, the Grand Finals of Little Stars so I will relax this week for a little bit and regain my equilibrium.

Come June, Father's Day events. Ooooh, I am so happy to be busy.

Easter Sunday

This Holy Week, I'm supposed to reflect about what's happening in my life, what direction I am going to take but I was distracted with lots of things... plus later today, I have three simultaneous events... geeh, I just hope everything will go all right with the other two events I am not overseeing...

First Quarter of 2009

The first quarter of this year has come and gone, what have I accomplished so far?

I have been drifting, still unsure of what I would like to become... seems like time is running out but I am unrushed, unconcerned.

Why Do I Blog?

My blog. Geeesh. Why do I post everything on my blog? Even the most embarassing and painful things?

Why not?

Well for one, I never really know that there would be other people reading my blog. This is for me, my personal journal. But since there are other people who took the time to read my blog and react (even vioently sometimes) so I guess I have to explain why I post what I post.

My blog is my blog. I can post whatever I want.

Someone said I should take responsibility with the things I write. Hey, I always DO. If anybody is offended with any of my postings, you are FREE not to read my blog. Gosh, I am not forcing you to read it.

Now, if you think you are misrepresented in any of my blogs, it's not my fault. My blog is a reflection of how certain people treated me. If you treat me nice, then I'll be all praises but if you do something out of the blue, then do not expect my respect in return.

There are people who spout words such as "respect" etc. but I wonder, do they really know what they are saying?

I blog because I have been USED and it is only now that I can express what I feel. Why suppress my feelings? My emotions are valid. If you are offended by what I have expressed, write your own blog and attack me there. Geeesh.

I am a legitimate, feeling individual.

Violent reactions are welcome because I don't really care. I just realized, why would I care? I care for my feelings, for myself before I care for you.

Selfish?

Not really. I have sacrificed and given other people priority over me. It's time I take care of myself coz no other will be.

Eli of the Eraser Heads

Just thought of sharing this pic with Eli Buendia when he was still with Eraserheads circa 1999 - shucks, another decade. Look how skinny I was!

Francis M & I

Yup, I know him but I doubt if he remembers me. I met him 10 years ago, in Awit Awards. So long ago.

There is one thing we have in common, together with Kuya Germs and Alicia Silverstone; we all share October 4 as our birthday. I always thought and dreamed that I will be the next famous person born on October 4.

Sigh. And now I only share my birthday with Kuya Germs and of course Alicia Silverstone.

Ei Francis M., thanks for taking a picture with me when I was just a newbie in the corporate world. Rest in peace. You have been a great man.

Peace.