Trash (1/09)

Garbage. Excess baggage.

OUT!

I am confused with my ex-bf's wife's letter. I have been reading and re-reading my blog and I can't seem to find in my posts where I treated my ex-bf as trash.

Nevermind.

It's the new year, so trash everything that is impeding my growth and development.

I have so many things to do this month. Let's see...

1. Get my NAME for my birth certificate (oh d ba, till now di ko pa naaayos)

2. Register a DTI, Business Permit and BIR for my freelance marketing

Well, sa sobrang dami, I can't think of what else he he he

Never Say Goodbye

NEVER SAY GOODBYE

By Rob Rubina

Paolo was sitting in front of his I-Mac computer and reading the latest incoming message in his electronic mailbox.  The glaring black letters blinked at him amidst a backdrop of colorful geometric computer graphics.  Meet me tomorrow at seven p.m.  SM Megamall.  Kamayan Restaurant.  I’ll come in a blue dress.   Excitement, anticipation, as well as fear, he felt all of these emotions as he contemplated on meeting Monica for the first time.  After two years of being aloof with the opposite sex, Paolo finally gave in.  This time, his first real date after the break-up was with the girl Monica from the chatroom.  But Monica is different from any other girl, she is not just a girl, she is an extraordinary girl!  Paolo thought to himself. If I can only be certain that Monica is different.  Monica, ah, that little witch, that little angel.  For the past two years, Paolo had given up hopes of finding true happiness.  His first serious relationship ended sadly when, for some unknown and undisclosed reason, his girlfriend left.  I just hope I wouldn’t be hurt again.  I hope Monica is deserving of the trust I had given her.

It was a slow April day when he first met Monica in the chatroom.  There were no clients to meet; no meetings to attend.  All reports were being handled by his pool of assistants. He had nothing to do except sit in front of the computer and plan when the received message icon on the screen appeared and started blinking.   At first, he thought that the ICQ message came from his boss.  ICQ was the only means of communication his immediate superior used in sending instructions from the States.    He clicked on the icon to see what’s the latest instruction from his boss.  He was surprised to find an unknown user and unfamiliar nickname sending him a message.

            “Hi there!”

            “Who are you?”

            “Monica.”

            “How did you get my ICQ number?”

            “Well, I found your name in the directory.  Your profile looks interesting. So, I want to chat with you.”

            Paolo never bothered to respond to such invitations.  Should he accept this one?  Chatting seem to be a foolish preoccupation.  He had heard of people who got addicted to “chatting” and he had no time to converse with total strangers.  But why not try it once?  He asked himself, why not.  Just this once.  He clicked on the reply button and commenced the chat session with the girl named Monica.

            “Hi.”

            “A/s/l?”

            “Sorry, what do you mean by asl?”

            “You’re new here?  A/s/l stands for age/sex/location.”

            “I see.  I am 27 years old, male, at the office.”

            “LOL.  Very funny.  Where geographically?”

            “LOL?  Are you swearing? “

            “You are really a newcomer to the chat really, LOL means laughing out loud J”

            “LOL…laughing out loud…I see! Manila here.  You, what is your “a/s/l”?”

            “22/F/Makati”

           

Paolo was not sure what came over him, but for three straight hours, he chatted with this female in cyberspace, and he was actually enjoying it!  It might be boredom that prompted him to accept the invitation to chat but it sure wasn’t boredom that kept him glued to the screen for the succeeding hours.  It had been two years since he had been with a woman and had almost forgotten how much fun it could be.  And this way was totally risk-free, pure anonymity.  No pain, that’s what he thought.

At 22, Paolo found out that Monica was an accomplished woman already.  A senior creative manager of a top advertising agency at her young age, Monica had been around the world shooting commercials and conducting research.  She returned to the country after graduating from UCLA to help her father manage and direct their advertising agency, the Studio.  Daniella should be around Monica’s age, mused Paolo.  I wonder where she is now.

            At exactly the same hour next day, Monica’s invitation to chat appeared again on Paolo’s screen.  He wasn’t expecting it.  Sure, the chat yesterday was great, but hey, let’s not do this regularly, thought Paolo.  He was planning to shut Monica off but her opening greeting surprised him.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them into our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

            “What?”

            “Surprised?  Don’t be…that’s my thought for the day.  Don’t tell me you haven’t fallen in love.”

            “But I did.  That’s why your made me think of her.”

            “What do you mean?  Come on, tell me.”

            Daniella de Cordova, the belle of the ball.  The most sought after debutante of the year.  In a simple midnight blue long gown adorned with diamond beads that shown like little stars, Daniella glided across the reception hall to receive her guests.  The night was perfect.  The moon was full, the garden was abloom with flowers.  The scents of roses and jasmine permeated the garden where her debut was being held.  Little lights adorned the walls and trees of the area.  Her six-tiered cake was located near the swimming pool at the end of the buffet table.  Perfect.  All I need now is an escort, sighed Daniella.  Looking over the heads of incoming guests, Daniella wished that indeed her best friend Andrea would bring his brother as escort.  Twenty-three year old Paolo had been Daniella’s crush ever since high school.  She and Andrea had set many plots to make Paolo notice her, but, for all their efforts, Paolo saw and treated Daniella like a kid sister.  He was affectionate but unromantic.  I told Andrea to be come early.  His brother would surely not see me as a kid sister anymore dressed like this, mused Daniella.  In a shimmering midnight blue dress, Daniella indeed came of age.  With her long shiny black hair festooned with blue roses, her hair falling sensuously on her off-the shoulder gown, and her face made up to look older, this was indeed Daniella’s night.  No other woman could compete with the glow of a girl coming of her age.  This is the night Paolo’s going to fall in love to me, vowed Daniella.

She had not long to wait when the giggling Andrea came into view escorted by her tall, dark brother, Paolo.    At first, Paolo was irritated being dragged from his computer to attend this birthday party.  Sure, this was Daniella’s birthday but it was not his crowd.  But little sister Andrea was persistent and she convinced Paolo that this was going to be the night he wouldn’t forget.  She also threatened to date one of her suitors instead if Paolo refused to escort her.  Never.  I promised mom and dad before they died from the car accident that I would take care of you little sister even if  you have to drag me to all your silly parties.

Not knowing that the night would change his life forever, Paolo methodically chose his outfit for the night.  He wore white slacks, black shoes and a crisply ironed barong tagalog.  Minutes later, he and Andrea entered the big ironed-grilled gate of the de Cordova’s residence.  Impressive.  This the first time Andre had the opportunity to visit Daniella in her own home.  It was always Daniella who came to visit Andrea.  At the receiving area, bearing their gifts, the siblings made their way to the front of the line to greet the celebrant.

He is here!  Daniella’s heart thumped against her budding breast.  Suddenly, she found herself in front of the man of her dreams.  Breathing the slightly spicy aspen cologne of Paolo deeply, she extended her hand as Paolo greeted her  “Happy 18^th birthday, Daniella.”  Who is this girl standing in front of me?  Surely, this is not the same girl who comes to our house almost everyday, wearing her ponytails, giggling and gossiping with my little sister.  Fully made up, Daniella such a lovely creature to behold.  With a twinkle in his eyes, Paolo squeezed Daniella’s hand in greeting, he felt a current rushing through him. There was electricity the two of them to instantly recognized their attraction to each other.  Andrea interrupted the moment by kissing Daniella on the cheek.

Throughout the night, and throughout the one year of their relationship, Paolo and Daniella had their eyes solely for each other.  It was the beginning of a year-long romance that seemed headed for marriage.  Paolo was inspired to better his career, and Daniella to further her studies.  Paolo dreamt of a blissful future with Daniella.

“Happy 10^th month anniversary Daniella.”

“You too, sweetheart…”

“I remember your birthday last year, you looked so grown up and lovely, I wish I could pluck the stars and offer it to you.”

            “Stop that, you’re making me blush.”

            “I love  you when you blush. You look really cute.”  From his pocket, Paolo took a box and handed it to Daniella.

            “What’s this?”

            “Open it.”

            With thrilling anticipation, Daniella open the box and saw two lockets with heart pendants.

            “I want you to wear this always.  And I’ll wear mine.  This heart symbolizes my love for you.  As long as I wear it, as long as it stays with me, it means my love for you is alive and burning.”

            “Oh I love you Paolo.”

Read Message

Inbox

From: "Monica Cruz"   Save Address  Block Sender

To: andremadrigal@mailcity.com

Subject: HELLO!!!!

Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 04:17:33 PDT

Hello Paolo!

Never say goodbye when you still want to try - never give up when you still feel you can take it - never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship with Daniella didn’t work out.  That she never bothered to explain why she had to leave…but surely, she had her reasons. If what you are saying is true, Daniella is not the type of girl who will just abandon you without saying good bye.  Maybe, she didn’t mean to say good bye to you at all. 

Do you really want to say good bye?  Are you still in love Daniella or is it time to move on?

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that you will be loved in return, just wait for love to grow in the other person but if it doesn't, be happy for the love you have given.

I’m sure she still loves you.

Ciao… see you in chat J!

Monica

“Thank you for your e-mail yesterday.  I’ve been thinking about the matter lately.”

“Don’t get too worked up over it…am sure, you’ll be ok.”

“I’m sure I’ll get to move on…with you.”

“Don’t start on me Paolo, you haven’t met me yet”

“So, let’s meet.  Name the time and place.  I’ll be there.”

“Let me think about that.  You might not like what you’ll see”

“Come on! Chicken?…!”

“Ok. I’ve thought about it.  Let’s meet.”

“So that you’ll recognize me, I’ll bring you a rose.”

“By the way, could you make it a blue rose, it is my favorite”

“A blue rose…okay.”

Read Message

Inbox

From: "Monica Cruz"   Save Address  Block Sender

To: paolocastillo@mailcity.com

Subject: I AM!!!

Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 8:17:33 PDT

I am not really an American girl. I didn’t grow up in the states but here.  I started college here in Makati but I have to finished it in UCLA.  When the opportunity came, I worked there.  But my heart is really here in Makati.  I have some unfinished business to complete.  I came back here to reclaim my happiness.  I just don’t know if he will ever see me again.  But really, all I want is his forgiveness.  I hope he will give me a chance…I was young then.  But I have changed.  I still love him.  I hope he can forgive me.

Monica

            “That guy you’re talking about, he would be a fool to let you go.”

            “He didn’t really had the chance to hold on to me.”

            “Why?  But still, am sure he would forgive you.  You’re a successful woman now.  What more will he ask for.  If I were him, I would forgive you and love you again.”

            “I hurt him terribly.  But every day and night, I think of him.  I really love him”

            “You still love him?  I hope my ex-gf loved me the way you do.”

            “I’m sure she did…and probably does.”

            “When are you planning to tell him?”

            “Soon.  By the way, are you ready to meet me in person?”

            “You don’t have to ask me Monica.  I have lots to tell you in person.  You have helped me go through life again…”

            “Paolo, tell me all those things when you see me…”

            “I think I am falling in love with you.”

            “Don’t say that.  you don’t know me that well.  Tell me that when you see me.”

            “Whatever you look like, am sure I will like you…now that I know how you think and feel.  Let me fill the emptiness in your heart like you fill mine.”

Read Message

Inbox

From: "Monica Cruz"   Save Address  Block Sender

To: paolocastillo@mailcity.com

Subject: ARE YOU REALLY READY TO SEE ME?

Date: Mon, 31 May 1999 18:17:33 PDT

Paolo, would you promise to me that if ever you won’t like what you’ll see, you’ll still talk to me. Can you promise that we will still be friends if things didn't work out for the two of us? Can you?

Meet me tomorrow at seven p.m.  SM Megamall.  Kamayan Restaurant.  I’ll come in a blue dress.  I’ll be seeing you.

Monica

            Why did Monica choose June 1?  That was Daniella’s birthday.  It was also the day Daniella left for the States without saying goodbye, the day Paolo’s world collapsed.

            Paolo looked good that June 1.  He was all ready to set all his plans to action.  He would be picking up Daniella at her house at 4 in the afternoon.  They would go to church to give thanks.  A light snack at the coffee house at 5 p.m.  After that, a movie called Ghosts to set the romantic feeling for the night.  Then, on their reserved dinner at Kamayan, their favorite restaurant, he would propose.  The diamond ring nestling on his trousers pocket had been picked up a week ago.  He was mulling over his proposal two weeks ago.  He is financially stable and Daniella would be graduating this semester.  They could set the wedding on December, there would be lots of time for the wedding preparation.  They could now start living together and fulfilling their dreams -- big house, two kids, a boy and a girl, and everyday a moment of togetherness and love.

            Paolo rang the doorbell for 5 minutes but there was no response.  Where is everyone? Paolo wondered.  He was shaking the big-ironed grilled gate when the security guard of the house came out.  Sorry sir, the family just left for the states last night.  Yes sir, including Miss Daniella.  That can’t be!!!! I just talk to her yesterday afternoon.  I’m sorry sir, but nobody’s here.  Their flight was last midnight bound for California.  Dazed, Paolo threw away the bouquet of blue roses he was planning to give Daniella.   What did I do wrong?  Where are you Daniella?  Why did you do this to me?

            For one year, Paolo was devastated.  He didn’t eat, sleep and socialize for six months.  He nursed his pain with a bottle of whisky.  The day begin and end with him on his bed.   It took him a while to recover.  But his former happy go lucky demeanor was transformed into a tight-lipped withdrawn mien.  Andrea and his friends did everything to cheer him up but to no avail.  Paolo was a changed man.

            Promptly at 7 p.m., Paolo walked towards the entrance of Kamayan, the restaurant where he planned to take Daniella and propose two long years ago.  Ah, he didn’t forget the blue rose.  Finding a flower shop that have stocks of blue roses was a difficult task for Paolo, but because he wanted to show how serious he is, he even went to a Batangas flower shop that specialized on roses just to buy a single blue rose.  The blue rose will be my symbol of sincerity, of trust and acceptance.  With the single stem of blue rose, he walked with a certain bounce that betrayed his excitement.  There was a lady in a blue dress at the far back of the room.  Her back was against the door, Paolo could not really make out her figure.  Her hair was long and black, just like Daniella’s.   Why did Daniella suddenly popped into his mind.  No.  Daniella doesn’t exist anymore.  This is Monica, the girl who taught me to believe again.

            Feeling somebody was watching her, Monica slowly turned to face the entrance of the restaurant.

Is this for real?  Are my eyes playing tricks on me?  Paolo held on to the chairs for support.  Standing in front of him was the only woman he loved.  How could he forget her face?  Two long years is not enough to erase her memory from his mind.  Those lips that uttered romance and were always silenced with deep passionate kiss, that oval face, that angelic face.  That long black hair.  And blue!  Of course blue was the favorite color of my beloved.  How could I forget!  Two long years was not enough to let go of Daniella, to take her out of his system, his heart.  Two long years was not enough to erase the memory of the girl he loved.

            Daniella rose and smiled uncertainly.  Their eyes locked.  Paolo saw the entreaty there to accept her, to give her a chance to explain.  Her eyes mirrored all the pain and loneliness, the guilt she bore ten long years.  Her eyes held all the answers to his questions…if he would only give her a chance.  Paolo was numbed.  Standing in front of him was his first love…his dream, and also Monica, the woman from cyberspace he had learned to like.  Seeing them both in front of him.  He loved Daniella, that was true, but he had learned to love Monica too.  He was paralyzed with indecision.

            “Hello” Daniella broke the silence, how are you.  Paolo turned to leave...he was too distraught, overwhelmed with all of this.

            “Wait.  Can’t you just give me a moment to explain?”

            “What is there to explain?” Paolo breathed heavily.  “You forfeited your chance to do that ten years ago.”

            “But I have changed.  I still love you, that’s why I came back…”

            “Yes, you did change.  I don’t know you anymore.”

            “You said you had forgiven me.”

            “I didn’t know it was you Daniella.  I was chatting with Monica.  You are not her.”

            “But I am!”

            With quivering voice and eyes downcast, “I’m sorry” said Daniella.

            “Sorry?  But saying sorry is not enough.  Twice now you have fooled me.  This doesn’t ease the pain I’ve felt for two years.  You’re like, the dead come alive!  Why do you have to come back?  I just buried you.”

            “Please let me explain…”

            “Just tell me why.  Why.”

            “I was young then, I was afraid.  It felt like, we were going too fast.  I can’t handle your demands anymore, I felt I need space to breathe. “

            “Shit.  You could have told me.”

            “I was afraid to hurt you.  I know I was wrong.  I was meaning to tell you about my leaving, my needing space but I chickened out.  I was afraid how would you react.”

            “Shit.”

            Daniella winced.  She knew what she did was wrong.  She had hurt the only man she ever love. 

            “I was going to call you but I was afraid you would get mad.”

            “And you think, after two years, I would forget?  And that using a different name in the chat room would change all that?”

            “But I have changed!  But I am still the Daniella that loved you.”

            “Yes, you are still Daniella.  The Daniella that betrayed me.”

            “Let me try again.  Please.”

            “I don’t know.”

            Paolo looked at the woman standing in front of him.  Memories flashed back through his mind like a movie.  Paolo and Daniella walking along the beach.  Sleeping under the stars.  Eating dirty ice cream at a rock concert.  Holding hands in the movies.  Sitting in the park.  Petty quarrels, the kiss and make-up part.  That first passionate kiss.  Endless talks on the phone.  Sleepless nights.  Sweet dreams of Daniella.  And of course, the betrayal.

            But this is not Daniella, but Monica too.  The day at the chatroom.  The three-hour chats almost everyday.  E-mails.  How could I reconcile the fact that Monica is Daniella?

I loved you Daniella.  I learned to love you too Monica.  But I can’t reconcile the two of you as one…now.  Daniella taught me to love but hurt me, Monica had taught me to love again…I don’t know.

            Daniella, hurt and dejected turned to leave.  If Paolo ever calls me back, if he calls my name now, I swear I would make it up to him.  I would love him and vowed never to hurt him again.  If he calls me back, I would know he has forgiven me.  Please God, let him call me back.

Paolo watched Daniella walking away.  As Daniella neared the door of the restaurant, Paolo called out tentatively.  “Daniella…” No other words sound sweeter than Paolo uttering his name.  With tears falling down her cheek, Daniella turned around and rushed to Paolo’s waiting arms.  Silently, Paolo looked at Daniella with somber eyes.  He looked down and from deep inside his shirt, he took out the heart-shaped pendant.  Seeing this, Daniella took her heart-shaped pendant out and looked at Paolo for confirmation.  It was two years ago, but both of them remember the promise they had made that night.  And tonight, with renewed hope and love, they stared at each other’s eyes lovingly and vowed to keep their promise this time.

            “I want you to wear this always.  And I’ll wear mine.  This heart symbolizes my love for you.  As long as I wear it, as long as it stays with me, it means my love for you is alive and burning.”

35.005 – Life and Death

“How do we console those who bereaved? For the lost of a loved one, so dear? The only consolation for us left behind, now he has no worries, now he has no more pain. The following days may prove to be unbearable, to grieve the loss of a loved one, but with the memories he has left behind, and the love that he surely gave, for always he will surely be in our heart.”

I posted the above statement in a friend’s FB account. He joined the Creator today after being in the ICU for three weeks. This year, I have witnessed five deaths already including the death of my father and my best friend.

Since my father died, whenever my mother says that she misses my father, I always tell her that he is in a better place now. He doesn’t worry about his pain, that indeed he has no worries anymore. But how many times I tell her that, I know that time will never ease the pain. I know because I miss my father too.

This is the first time I celebrated my birthday without my father, and come December, it will be the first time that we will celebrate Christmas without him. Somehow, although deep in my heart I know my father would want us to celebrate, we can’t, I can’t. Somehow, without my father, it’s not a celebration.

It is indeed difficult top move on. Although I can probably say that we are now used to a new routine, after two months, it is still painful, it is still difficult. What more to my mother?

We cannot get used to the idea of death. As much as we would like to celebrate the life of our dearly beloved departed, we cannot take away our emotions out of it. We will always feel that we miss them, that even though time and life goes on, sometimes, we stand still just to remember.

May the souls of our dearly beloved rest in peace. God bless us always.

34.365

 

Today, being the last day of my 34 years of existence; should not be the day for a midlife crisis, but truth to tell, I am at a crossroad once again.  I have jumped cliffs and chasms before, all for the wrong reasons and here I am yet again on the precipice, uncertain.

I have yet to discover the reason, my reason.

I am allowing myself to look back, reminisce, and wallow in self-pity, just for today. I would want to vent all my frustrations and pain. Do I feel hate? That also, I feel so strongly today.  I just want to hate the world, life in general, for being unfair. Is that correct? More to the point, is it apathetic?

From the day we are born, our choice is severely limited. That is the reason I sometimes question life. Religion would have us believe that we are given free will. Science would say that it is this that set us apart from the animals. Really now.

Not all of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouth. I am where I am right now not because of just myself. I would not be here at all if it will be just me. Should I now enumerate all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate? Or maybe just accept the fact that it is what it is, life couldn’t care less for whatever we want to make of it, or make out of it.

I can vent all my frustrations, pain, anger and hate for all the backstabbing ingrates, for so-called friends who are only there because they need you but once you are useless to them, you don’t exist at all, for those in times of need, who aren’t even there? For those who are by nature evil, who dressed-up everyday with megawatt smiles, who hide behind a saintly face but whose insides are rotting? Hypocrites who tell you to your face that they feel and care for you and wants only the best for you while all the while is plotting BS.  How about those you in good faith, helped and out of the goodness of your heart, you believe that they can be good too but treated you like trashed when they have found someone else they can use?

Bitter? I don’t want to sound like one but if it’s bitterness to wish for karma to struck them now not later, then bitter I am.

I would so love to name names and curse them to rot in hell, but I am raised well.

I am now at the point in my life that the decisions I made years ago defined me who I am now, and honestly, it bothered me. 

I can only blame myself for being naïve for so long and maturity to come knocking on the eve of my natal day. Gee, I do not know if I should feel glad I woke up and realized, indeed reality bites.

I am not saying that I will be “bad” to get revenge. Revenge is not my nature or even in my nature. Why would I waste my time anymore when so much more has been wasted already?

So there, I have ranted and raved and nothing much can come out of it. Except perhaps a clean slate starting tomorrow.

Good morning

I am asking the Lord for a sign, as to which direction I shall take.  Foolish me, anything and everything is a sign! The Lord has made every day beautiful that is surely a sign. The sun rises in the east, from the darkest night; it slowly colors the skies with the magnificent hues of orange and yellow. Despite the early rays of the sun, the morning star and the full moon are still visible to the naked eyes, as if they too await the warmth of the rising sun.  The grasses glistens with dew and the birds are twittering their daybreak rituals.  I so feel invigorated with the day’s promise.

One of life’s lessons that I need to learn is how to accept. It is what it is, after everything has been said and done there is nothing to do to change what has been. It is pointless to feel hurt and pain; these will just defeat the Lord’s plan.

So if nothing went according to my plan, who am I to gainsay God’s plan?

Change and Selfishness

There are moments that we are stuck in a rut, and no matter what we do, we seem unable to get out of it.

We think that it is easy to just pick up the pieces, move on. Well, it isn’t.

There are moments when it is easier to just give up and give in, it is more easy not to do anything.

We preach, we have heard, we have been lectured on about change, how it is inevitable, how nothing is constant except change. What if you don’t to change or don’t want change to happen? Whatever it is, deciding not to change or change, there seems nothing we can do about it. It’s as if the cosmos wouldn’t care less. In the grand scheme of things, who really cares?

But we care, because for us, it’s about us. It may sound selfish, but that’s the reality of life. I don’t think there’s one person who is really unselfish or selfless. Come on, give me one name. If you give me a martyr’s name or a hero’s name, that person is selfish I’m telling you. Because he/she died without thinking about his/her family, did he/she consider the feelings of those left behind? They might have died because of the cause or principle, they might have changed the world, but still, they hurt the people that matters most to them, their family and loved ones. I am not belittling their sacrifices, my point is, it is human nature to be selfish. It’s a matter of degree and “execution.”

My point is, change will always happen, moving on is not optional because whether we go with the change or not, the whole spectrum of our life change, so if we stand still and allow the world to change, for the rest of the world, we changed by not moving on (you get what I mean?) and my last point is, everybody is selfish (to some degree) so whatever your intention may be, deep in your heart, the bottom line motivation is, selfishness. PS, I didn’t say it’s bad, it’s how you look at it.

10 Days to Go

10 days to go. I don't expect dramatic changes to happen, for most, October 4, a Tuesday is an ordinary day. People may go to school or work, while some may go through the day unnoticed, doing ordinary things they usually do. The world turns, another day, getting nearer to the Christmas season anticipated.

I’m turning 35, and yet, I do not feel my age. There are days when I feel older, what with my hypertension and diabetis, taking maintenance medicine, bones and joints aching especially in the morning when I can’t seem to get up… that is old age creeping up. Then there are days when I feel younger, especially with the immaturity I seem to possess.

So it’s my birthday ten days from now. I think it will be an ordinary day. I pray that it be so, that God continue His blessings, that my mother is still in good health, my siblings and their family safe. I have really nothing to ask from God except thank you. God has been good to us. If I have to recount the past 34 years, God has been kind to us. The mere fact that we never have to endure a day without food or shelter is a big deal already, the mere fact that we overcome the Ondoy tragedy is a big blessing already. My father might not be with us anymore, but I feel God called my father already to ease his suffering and enjoy eternal life free from pain. I miss my father.

We were never been close I admit, but upon reflection, my father and I had this unspoken bond. I don’t blame him. How can he handle having a gay son? A son with “Jr.” as suffix? But I am most grateful for his acceptance. My being gay has never been an issue or a concern. I am his son, gay or not, no buts no ifs. I so miss his simple words. He was the one who always call me during meal times. Whenever I came home from work, he always made sure that I get to eat. Those were our bonding moments, he always asked me if I have eaten already. During his last few days, I never regret that I get to spend more time taking care of him. On his last day, riding the ambulance with him, alone, that even though he had breathed his last, I know he can still hear me, you are the best father to me.

So as I celebrate my birthday ten days from now, I don’t expect for it to be extraordinary, rather, I thank God for every ordinary day He has given everyday. And October 4 may be another ordinary day, it’s all right.

June 12, 2011 - My Independence Day

While doing my usual morning walk (can't say jog nor run coz I really just walk, and it's not really brisk walking as required, but hey, walking for an hour gets my heart beat pumping and sweat!), I got to think about my relationships...

Ddy and I have been in a relationship for the past five months, and while we have our ups and downs, lately, it's mostly downs.

We had a fight last night (June 11), over something as petty as whether we are going to see each other or not.

I will not justify our disagreement, but one thing I realized, shouldn't relationships be effortless????

It's Day 9

So far so good, and nothing to brag or shout about...

I started taking my morning walk last May 1 with the end objective of not really losing weight but gaining health.

My doctor and partner encourages me to be healthy... and not for the sake of the relationship, but for my sake, I will...

So let's take stock... since Day 1, I have been walking from 6AM to 7AM, sometimes later but not later than 7:30AM because by that time, it's hot already to walk, it's summer! I walk three times around the subdivision for 45 minutes, taking me 15 minutes to complete one round.

These walks have been doing me good. I get to think, think, think, dream, dream, dream while inhaling and exhaling the cool morning air.

This morning is slightly different, it was drizzling. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sweat (and I didn't no matter what I do, run, brisk walk or jog, it was just too cold to sweat). The drizzling rain is invigorating...

I am not expecting to miraculously lose weight, it's enough for me that I get to, one step at a time, change my lifestyle healthily.

May 1

can be the most important date of my life....

Choices

I don't envy people who have to make difficult decisions.

And I wouldn't blame anybody for the choices they have made in their lives... we each have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Tough luck. Life is not fair, it isn't really fair. The world is not handed down to us in a silver platter.

We see our problems in different light, but because problems are personal, we see it "big" when others have no concern about it.

To each his own, and we live our life however we choose it.

Thoughts to ponder

Oftentimes, we often get caught up with our own problems, struggles and issues that we become self-centered. It is all about me, me, me. We create a bubble of self-importance and we wallow in self-pity. Such that when our bubble bursts and we realized there is a bigger picture, we can't handle it.

I admit, I have created my own bubble, my own world and when everything come crashing down, I am left bewildered, confused and ignorant.

It's easy to put blame - I blame myself, blame my life, blame everyone and everything that is in and out of my bubble, but what's the point?

It has always been my motto not to regret the things I did or did not do, why lose energy over regrets, will it change the past? No. Nothing and no one can ever change the past and however how painful or hurtful or disappointing the past is, that's it, it's all in the past.

Clinging on the past may be therapy but would these baggage of past actions, decisions do any good now?

I am also a believer that every decision, no matter how "wrong" it seemed is not entirely "wrong". We interpret things based on our experiences. My reaction to certain things is different from anybody else reaction.

I love this word "unique" ha ha, it gives an excuse that I am different from anybody else and what I say or do is all my own because I am unique.

I would want to believe that life has a purpose, that everything happens for a reason.

It might seem that life has treated us like a leaf blown by the wind, drifting or a twig following the tide, but in the end, there will always be a destination.

In my 34 years in life (discounting the first 10 years because I doubt if I had made much impact as a toddler), I believe that I have achieved the goals I have set in my life.

I graduated valedictorian in grade school, with honor in high school, cum laude in college.

I got to be a copywriter, a publicist, a managing editor, a writer with published articles and stories.

I have been to different places I have never been to. I have set-up my own business, work for one of the biggest companies. I have been a teacher.

At this juncture, I am asking myself, what is the next adventure?

That is the question I am pondering right now...

Anger Managenent

Facebook has been my outlet whenever I am angry, hurt, depressed etc. This is also where I share my joy, happiness. In fact, you can read me well if you read my FB.

This morning, I was so mad about someone that I expressed my pent-up anger in FB. Now the question is, did my posting do me any good?

While I have the option to remove my post, I choose not to.

At FB, I have been nice, sweet, romantic, excitable, all of those sugary good things but since I was diagnosed with diabetis, it's as if I lost all the sweetness in me.

So, yes I was mad this morning but not anymore.

Ddy has been very good to me. I thank God that Ddy has been there...

Betrayal of Trust

I could just imagine how painful it is to be betrayed. Since I'm the one who betrayed the trust of my Ddy, the Betrayer, I feel the pain of hurting the one person I truly loved.

Past is catching up

the past is the past but it doesn't stay there

Fight

Because I was so worried, I expressed it in anger. So sorry. But I made up for it naman di ba?

Change

I have always been an advocate of change, but when change came into my life, I realized that I can't handle it. Emotionally, I cannot prepare myself to face it.

What hurts me most is that when you realized who really are the people that you can trust and who is just there using you.

I am happy that in this period of change, Ddy is there. Although he will be the first one who will be affected by my decisions, I know he will respect and accept my decisions.

Si Ddy at si Bby

Well, the title implies the terms of endearment between doc and me. Ddy (that's Daddy or Dy for short) is Doc and Bby (baby or by) is me. Cheesy? ha ha ha.

I'm just glad that when Christmas came, we are already "on".

Thank you 2010

The year 2010 has seen its shares of drama in my life, but nevertheless, I have lots to be thankful for. Unlike 2009 with its Ondoy, 2010 has no major major one event that can capsulize it. But still, I feel more blessed and happy this year.

2010 saw me appointed as Student Affairs Officer at the Philippine College of Criminology - a regular job after years of events, consultancy and here I go again, a full time employment. It's been a blessing because through this, I was able to be debt free (almost, not quite as I've found out just last week, oh well, that doesn't count because as far as I know I have been a conscientious subscriber of Digitel - hayz, their records show that I still owe them after 6 years - duh - di ko tuloy nakuha yung Corbu ko!)

2010 also saw my rekindled love life - hayz. Doc or Ddy is so in love with me I really don't know why.

Last night we had dinner and spent a pre-New Year's Eve mega bonding. We were supposed to go nightswimming but it rained so we just spent the night cuddling and talking and bonding.

He is everything I could ask for - maaalahanin, mabait, generous, mapagmahal, malambing pero seloso at moody. Well, he can't be perfect kasi may mga pagkukulang din naman ako kaya ok lang.

I think 2011 will be a wonderful challenge for both of uis lalo na he's coming back to residency in a government hospital.

I think I have matured this year. Maybe because it's my responsibilities at work, maybe because I grow up.

Whatever it is, thank you 2010.

No FB 'til Christmas, Duplicity and All that Stuff

I hope this blogpost gets posted on my FB account, nevertheless, I'll still write this...

I have been neglecting my blog since November. Probably because I was so busy with work, my family and my new partner in life.

Geez, Doc has been so kind. Of course we have our ups and downs, twice we already had a fight but of course we made up.

There has been so many changes and challenges at work.

Change is good. Change is for the better. However, not all is receptive to change especially if they don't understand or intentionally don't want to understand.

Each individual has his or her own personality. Some can be open minded to change, others are narrow-minded and resist change, while others are two-faced.

Let's talk about Duplicity.

A friend in the office told me that I should never show I'm affected. I cannot not show. My sense of social responsibility is so high, it disappoints and hurts me when things go bad. Heck, I was born under the sigh of Libra, ruled by the planet Venus, the Roman goddess of beauty and love. I am most happy if there is harmony everywhere and it gives me a heavy heart if there is not.

But I want to talk about duplicity.

Like I said before, I am just a mirror. I just show you or treat you the way you wanted to be treated. But overall, I am overall nice. I do not make "taray" or "suplado" and I believe I am as supportive as I can be to the point that I blindly give my support.

My bad.

Not everyone who smiles or show they are nice to me are indeed nice. Not all that say's "hi" are sincere.

I am human. That hurts me.

I am as approachable as you can get but this, me being nice and kind is being abused.

So let's talk about karma. As good as I believe I am, I do not wish bad karma to happen to people who abuse my kindness. That's how kind I am ha ha.

Recently, I am quite surprised and amazed with the rumors flying around. I am not used to being the center of gossip. Golly, why me?

I try to be as low-key as possible.

To avoid these nasty gossips, ASK ME. I will tell you the real deal.

He he he, I am rambling but I hope I got to touch the issues plaguing me and got it off my chest.

Hmmmm, last song syndrome from a K-Pop song "I don't care...e e e e" or something like that.

I DON'T CARE ha ha ha... I really find it funny, these speculations. Speculate all you want, those are just speculations ha ha ha.

Oooooooh, it's 17 (or 16) days before Christmas....

I go out of the house to go to school at 5AM. The air is cold. The sky is still twinkling with stars. Sarap matulog!!!!!