Challenges in Life

In just a month and a week from now, I'm turning 32. Ten years ago, looking back when I was 22, I was very naive. I just started working, I was just a fresh grad.

That was ten years ago.

Lots had happened to changed me. Did I evolved?

Embarrassingly it is to say, I still do not know what I really wanted, but I decided that knowing what I do not want is the right direction to take.

Take for instance my job.

It IS a job - not a career, not something I look forward to doing. So yesterday, I filed my resignation effective a month from now. Regrets? None.

Of course my mother is against it. It is a nice paying job, and admittedly, because of it, I was able to pay-off two of my seven credit cards. The remaining five I have to pay installment for another year and a half.

But I am not making a mark, I am not stepping up. My official job title is Marketing Communications Manager, but I feel like I'm a run of the mill rank and file employee. I do not have a staff to manage, so the manager part of the title is a lie. I am a one man team. I do the creatives,. I do the planning, I do the execution, I do the implementation. Admittedly, I wasn't able to show what I can really do. I do not have a team to help me.

Is resigning, am I prepared?

Yes.

I will be managing once again my small Events company. I am happy calling my shots. Seeing and doing my events.

And I want to teach.

And continue my MA studies.

And write a novel.

And take care of my birth certificate so I can get a passport, and leave the country, either for pleasure or work.

And exercise.

And do things I can do like go to the mall in the middle of the day, on weekdays!

All these, I want to start doing on the day I reach 32.

Movies and DVD, and long weekends

Long weekend last Saturday to Monday, so what did I do? Anything productive? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! he he he. This coming weekend, another long weekend.

So, what did I do.... hmmmmmmmmmmm

Last Saturday, I treated my mom and dad to SM Taytay to watch a movie with me and my nephew JM. Hmmm, they watched Dobol trobol, kami ni JM, Wall-E. Cute yung Wall-E, although set in the future, "realistic" ang theme... i.e., dahil sa sobrang pollution, people left Earth. Dahil sa dependency sa robots, people gew fat and cant even walk. Pagbalik nila ng Earth, earth wasn't miraculously clean and teeming with new life, puro basura pa rin but that's their challenge, to make it clean again. So five stars! Although si JM, malapit ng matapos nabored at nag-yaya ng lumabas at hanapin daw namin lolo at lola nya sa kabilang sine. he he he.

Last Sunday, nagpuyat ako para matapos ko lng ang season 1 ng brothers and sisters. Maganda rin naman yun, kaya pala nanalo si Sally Field ng Emmy. Kaya ko lng naman bimnili yun kc andun c Calista Flockhart ng Ally McBeal. In fairnes, gay people should watch it kc may isang character dun na gay na kapupulutan ng style he he he.

Yesterday, nagluto ako ng tuna spaghetti. Bday kc ng kapatid kong bunso, so pinagluto ako ng nanay ko. Yun lng naman ahng alam ko lutuin. Well, na-try ko na mag-carbonara kaso magastos sa sauce eh. Ano pa ba magandang sauce ng spaghetti? Hmmmmmmm....

Next weekend, e2 itinerary ko:

Saturday - watch Cinderella starring Lea Salonga sa CCP (or PICC ba? basta sa roxas blvd.)

Sunday - linisin ang office dahil babalik na ako dun. at magpuyat sa Season 2 ng brothers and sisters (na hindi ko pa pala nabibili)

Monday - wala, mag-emote lng muna... or gumawa ng quarter plan for my life...

cge, work muna, siningit ko lng itong blog eh...

When faced with uncertainties in life...

I ask myself, why am I not content?

I don't really want much, I want the simple things... but still, I am not happy.

Today is my father's 66th bday.

In fairness to him, he achieved a lot... I believe he was able to raise six children God-fearing and responsible.

I admit, we are not the perfect family. But on my part, I wouldn't trade my family for anyone else's.

Sarap isulat ng mga memorable moments kaya lang baka umbagin ako ng mga kapatid ko at sabihin bakit ko kinekwento he he he. Siguro, if I ever really have the guts na gumawa ng nobela... soon...

Ano ba ba ang hinahanap ko?

I am already a Marketing Communications Manager. I am not aspiring to be a director or VP.

Mabayaran lng talaga mga utang.

I'm turning 32 this October...

Sa dami na ng natutunan ko, hindi na naman ako siguro magkakamali...

Giving Up on Love

Well, not really on love but on my crush.

I only saw him last Monday, and for the past three days, I have not seen him. I resolved to ask his name the next time but I guess we are not fated to get to know each other.

I will just accept the fact that I can only admire him from a far... it's more exciting not knowing his name, there will always be the mystery.

I think that's me.

If I get to know his name, the excitement will be gone.

Just like in sex. I am more excited in the anticipation of getting laid, but once I am in the act of doing it, I am not really satisfied and would want to get it over and done with.

The same with my obsession with cell phones. I blogged that I am obsessed with Nokia E51 but after a month, I sold it coz I am not happy once I had it. The same with Nokia N70. When I can't afford expensive cellphones in the past, I pine for it. When I finally bought N70 (which is quite pricey in 2006), I am not satisfied. Now, I'm back with a much simpler phone, My Phone T22 because it's dual sim. It serves me well, but after having it for a week, I want a new one. Oh well.

Just like with work. Technically, I have no problem with my job. Imagine, I am a legitimate marketing communication manager. Legitimate in the sense that before, I can choose my title as we are not that formal in my previous work. When I was being poached and recruited, I prayed to get the job and the salary I asked for. I did.

I am thankful for the job as it pays for my credit card loans. But again, I am dissatisfied.

Maybe it is my nature. I can never settle.

So what to do?

I will be turning 32 come October 4, I'm still loss.

Loving Someone

I always believe that when you love someone, you should never ever be ashamed to tell that someone how you feel. Love is not something that should be treasured deep in our hearts but something to be expressed, to be shared with someone.

I haven't really been in love, so I am looking forward to experiencing it. I am apprehensive about the pain, and I am afraid. That's the truth but knowing that despite the risks of being hurt and being rejected I would still like to experience how it is to love. You know, having the little things like waking up each morning knowing that your loved and love in return. Cliches would be our reality... the sun is brighter, flowers more fragrant... *sigh* I look forward to seeing the moon rise and stargaze in the arms of someone I love,and wake up with his eyes lovingly looking into mine. Cooking together, walking in the park together...even arguing would be so much fun, specially the kiss and make-up part. But that would be in the future pa... when the person I am supposed to love will bump into me and the realization that we are meant for each other would dawn into our eyes, and knowing each other and discovering ourselves would be an adventure from that day forth...

I cannot tell you if its wonderful, but deep in my heart, among all emotions, love must be the most profound, the most exquisite. I would like to discover why people make fools of themselves. Why I cannot blame a friend for being stupid - because that's love. I don't have the authority yet to judge because I haven't been in love, that's why I envy those people who experienced love.

I would always maintain the belief that love, the idea and the emotion, is a decision. And I am looking forward to making that decision.

Grrrr!

When I finally resolved that I would introduce myself to my crush this morning, it's either he's too early or late, he wasn't in the shuttle I was this morning. Talk about regrets...

What will give me courage?

Once again, I rode the shuttle going to Makati with my crush... he is so cute. I just want to say hi, ask his name and take it from there...

Waiting for a Sign

Everyday, for the past five days, I always see may crush and yet, I seem to lose courage to introduce myself. I did something today, I took his picture while he was sleeping. The resolution is not much good coz it was raining, no light, the shuttle was moving... but he is cute... really...

At the Back of the FX

I got into the FX at around 12 midnight. Fortuitously, I was the last passenger, no need to wait for the FX to fill up. Good, I was so tired from an overtime work and I hadn’t had dinner yet. I looked forward to the comfort of luxuriously relaxing on my bed, then falling asleep fitfully until the following day. The back end of the FX was cramped, but it was ok. I would rather sit there than at the middle, I didn’t want to be squeezed like a sardine. I sat comfortably, but the only way I could do that was to insert my legs between the legs of the passenger in front of me. Well, what the hey, I wanted to get some nap all throughout the trip and I guessed the other passenger; a him, wouldn’t mind at all. So, subtly, I worked it out. His right leg, then my left leg, his left leg, finally my right leg...his left leg (thigh for that matter) is between my legs now. I was not in the mood to flirt, I was never in the mood to flirt for that matter because I didn’t know how. I would rather find a text mate, or go online and find a chat mate. Probably because I was conservative, or just I didn’t want to make the first move, or deeper still, I was afraid to be rejected. And why would I flirt? Where would it lead? I didn’t want to get into a situation I wouldn’t be able to handle; ha ha, it was short of saying, I didn’t want a relationship just yet!

All throughout the ride, I could not sleep. It was 12 mn, there was no one to text, so I simply indulged myself in my usual pre-occupation during long trips; study my fellow passengers. I looked at my right, this one was too old, the other guy in my front is so fat. Finally, my eyes rested on the guy in front of me, the guy who I has criss crossed my legs, whose thigh was sandwiched with mine.

Oh my, wasn’t he cute? I wondered why I wasn’t able to notice him right away...maybe because the FX was dark, or maybe because I was too pre-occupied to get a doze and sleep. Nevertheless, he was cute so I gave him my full undivided attention. He looked tall, because our legs meet, unlike the other two at the back, their legs wouldn’t even touch. He had this boyish look, a lock of hair falling on his forehead. I had the sudden urge to push it back, but of course I didn’t! He had smooth skin... no pimples there, that is always a turn on to me! He had his polo barong undone, so I could also notice his chest. He was not thin, medium built most likely.

I guessed I was staring at him for so long because he gave me a certain look. Well now, I didn’t want to cause any scene, so I looked away. But I still feel his eyes boring on me so I looked back. Damn, what did his look mean? Is he flirting? How should I know? Why should I make the first move? Come on, as if I really knew how to do this.

But a tiny thought nagged at me. Why not? You wouldn’t see him again, so why not give in to this bit of craziness. If he responded, then go for it, if not, well, you were not really into that.

I never considered the time factor when travelling in the deep of night. There was no traffic, so I was already nearing my stop. The most that I need was squeezed his thigh between my legs and he didn’t even react. He probably took it as an accident because it happened when the FX hit as pothole.

Sayang, I thought to myself. He could be it. It meaning the one person that I would see myself growing old with. Some person I would do things with like watched the sunset together in a beach, stargaze at the park or wait for sunrise at the top of a mountain. He could be the one I would like to see first thing in the morning and my last call at night. He could me my home, where I would feel safe and secure. He could be my lover for crying out loud! We will cook together, eat together, wash dishes together, take a shower together, make love all night long! On a rainy day, we could just hold hands and lazxe the day away on the couch watching cartoons and classic movies, or lie in bed reading our favorite books. We could play scrabble, or he could teach me how to play chess. He could be my gallery companion, going to museums, or my duet partner when I sing-along at videoke bars.

Sigh. But I do believe in fate. I mean, if he was the one for me, he would be. We would meet no matter what the circumstance. But then again, if I don’t make a move, all will be lost. He could only be the one guy that could have been my life, the one I would offer my successes, the one who would share with me my life’s adventure. He could have been.

I made a compromise with myself. If we get off at the same stop, I would make the first move and introduce myself. Why does it have to be like this? Here was my one chance and yet I am hesitating. He looked decent and presentable naman. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with (he he, the question is, he might be the one be embarrassed to be seen with me). But still, I made a promise to myself. If and only if he gets off at the same stop as I am, then and only then would I make the move.

And he did get off at the same stop. Shucks, I could not back out of my dare. I got off first. I told myself, if he overtakes me, that’s it, or if he didn’t, I would chicken out. There you go, I was still afraid to try. Funny thing is, I was never given the chance. He walked right beside me and matched me stride by stride. Well, I guess he would be receptive for a casual talk after all. So, I mustered all my guts and blurted, “You going my way?” Duh, a good opening line... “It looks like it” he said. Good. “I am Paolo by the way, you?” “Call me Adan.”

Post Script: I wrote this as soon as I got home, unedited.