Faith and My Family

To be quite frank, I am not well-off this month. My budget is so stretched to the limit, but still, I am quite happy.

I am happy that I have a job that I like. I am happy that I do things that I like.

Despite the fact that since last August, I have been making ends meet. Since my food business went bust and my business partners left me to shoulder all the loans incurred, every month I have to pay debts totaling more than 10,000.00. Can you imagine that? My salary as a professor is way below that, plus my monthly household expenses, plus bills, plus the allowance I give to my parents, plus my daily transportation and food expenses - so how do I make ends meet? Faith.

I cannot blame my ex-partners for leaving me in a ditch. If they don't want to help me pay, that is fine with me. It hurts me that I invested in putting up the business and when it failed, I was the only one left to shoulder everything. I wonder if it's the other way around - what if the business boomed, will I still be alone? I don't think so.

But that is neither here and now. Reality is, I am alone with mountains of debts and I have to shoulder it. Alone.

I remember a year ago that five to eight credit card companies kept on calling my cellphone, our landline. My mother was so bothered about it. Demand letters from legal etc. It was really dreadful.

It hurts because no one helped me. The people I trusted where nowhere to be found.

Thank God for my family. Faith.

Whenever I am beset with these financial problems, I kneel down and pray, "Lord, please help me. With your guidance, this too shall pass. I know Lord that You have a plan for me and you will never forsake me."

After two years, yes, the Lord has not forsaken me. My financial problems, though far from over, asre on a good financial standing. Out of the eight credit cards, I have already settled four and another two nearing completion this December and the last two on May and June 2010. Thank you Lord.

My family has always been there. If I need to advance some cash to make "abono" for my events, they are there. I don't think I can ever survive and be sane without them. Nawala na ang lahat sa akin, iniwan na ako ng lahat, pero ang family ko, andyan pa rin.

In my life, I can count the angels in my life. Not including my family, I can count on my fingers the genuine people who helped me get through with my difficulty. They didn't know about it. But I guess they feel that I need them, and I have known them more than five years. I guess the true test of friendship is not on how many gatherings we have been together but on how many times we have lent a hand. I believe these people know who they are. These people did not give me money, they ghave me projects to work on. I guess I wouldn't feel achieving financial freedom if the money came from dole-outs. Thank you people, you have enriched my life and made it possible for me to take off the shackles of perpetual debt.

Just rambling...

Choices

Ang tagal ko ng hindi nagsusulat sa blog. I think I am the writer na tamad magsulat. I have been kidding myself. Oo nga writer nga ako, pero 10 years ago na yata yung huling short story ko na napublish. Since then, I have never been inspired to write. Commercially, yeah, naprapractice ko pa rin ang craft ko sa paggawa ng press releases for clients, reports etc. Pero literary? Zero pa rin.

Nangarap ako noon na makita ang pangalan ko sa byline - natupad naman. Ilang mga short story and poems ko ang napublish. Pero ang tagal na noon.

Gusto ko magsulat ng nobela pero wala pa ako o tamad ako o ayaw ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Ngayon nga, may mga pangyayari sa buhay ko na nagpabago sa lahat. Katatapos lang ng kaarawan ko noong isang buwan. Kung pwede nga lang ba kasama sa mga innod ng baha ang lahat ng mga hindi magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sana, nagsisimula ulit ako. Yun bang maging 20 years old ulit. O kaya ulitin ko yung high school life ko.

Ang dami-dami kong mga desisyon na dapat hindi ko ginawa o mga katanungang ngayon ay bumabgabg sa akin - what if iba ang choice ko? Ano na kaya ako ngayon?

Bigat.

Sa estado ng buhay ko ngayon, wala naman ako pinagsisisihan. Sabi ko nga, I am content. Sa totoo lang, wala na naman ako hinahangad na iba para sa sarili ko. Wala na akong gustong mangyari - which is parang hindi na mganda. Kasi kung walang goals, walang point na magstrive at mabuhay.

Nung elementary, high school and college, ang goal lang eh makatapos. Bonus na lang pag naging honor student. While working, ang goal ay makakuha ng trabaho to be financially independent, pero pagkatapos magpaalila sa corporate world, eh di naman yata sapat na patayin ko ang sarili ko kapalit ang pera.

Buti na lang hindi ako magastos na tao, hindi ako what's the term? Hindi ako high maintenance. Sus, when I quit working for companies and decided to work for muyself, katakot-takot na hirap ang dinanas at na-experience ko.

Pero kung titimbangin, saan ba ako mas naging masaya?

Looking back, feeling ko para akong isang dahon na nalaglag sa ilog o bangkang papel na sumusunod lamang sa agos ng tubig.

Minsan, gusto ko murahin ang sarili ko. Wala ba akong buto para gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ko talaga? Kaso ang nakakatawa, hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko.

Yan ang hirap sa tumatanda eh, baka napaglipasan ko na yung pangarap ko.

Echos!