Last night, a had a dream. In my dream, I was with my first great love. He was my high school best friend. It threw me on a loop that after almost 20 years, the memory of my first love would come to haunt my dreams.
He was my best friend but even before high school ended, we parted ways. It has always puzzled me why he drifted away but looking back, now I think I know why.
We were inseparable in 2nd year. If I was really "out" then, I don't think we could have been friends. Maybe I fell in love with him because he was really handsome. Maybe because he was very sweet and attentive. Maybe because he was very funny. Maybe because he was smart. Maybe because I always saw in him a puppy-eyed look every time he talked about his broken family. Maybe because I was his shoulder to cry on. Maybe. A lot of maybes.
Do I regret my being gay on the cost of losing my friendship and my first great love? Probably. But my gender is not by choice. It is pointless to ponder the what-ifs because there's nothing else to be done, just to be thankful that in those few brief years in high schools, I fell in love for the first time.
We weren't classmates in first year. I prayed so hard that in second year, I could have one good friend since I wasn't able to establish close friendship in the previous years.
Our surnames were right next to each other, so we became seatmates. He was very friendly and was very popular in class. Like I said, we became inseparable.
Came fourth year, for one stupid reason I could not remember now, we had a fight. And for the remaining months, he ignored me.
That time, I was heartbroken. I didn't know the reason why we quarrel and despite efforts from me and our other friends, we didn't make up.
Upon reflection, now I knew why.
We reconnected years back when I was already working and he finishing medical school.
I guess it was time to state the obvious to him, I told him I am gay.
There. We lose connection again.
From his reaction, either he is homophobic or is afraid to validate that he can also be gay.
And I think that was the reason we drifted in our last months in high school.
He was popular. He was a CAT Officer. He was good looking. He was courting a girl then. So how would it look to have a gay best friend?
So that's my first love. The purest love I have ever known.
In my dream last night, for the first time, we kissed. And it was the sweetest kiss I have ever tasted. Even if only it is a dream.
