Thank you 2010

The year 2010 has seen its shares of drama in my life, but nevertheless, I have lots to be thankful for. Unlike 2009 with its Ondoy, 2010 has no major major one event that can capsulize it. But still, I feel more blessed and happy this year.

2010 saw me appointed as Student Affairs Officer at the Philippine College of Criminology - a regular job after years of events, consultancy and here I go again, a full time employment. It's been a blessing because through this, I was able to be debt free (almost, not quite as I've found out just last week, oh well, that doesn't count because as far as I know I have been a conscientious subscriber of Digitel - hayz, their records show that I still owe them after 6 years - duh - di ko tuloy nakuha yung Corbu ko!)

2010 also saw my rekindled love life - hayz. Doc or Ddy is so in love with me I really don't know why.

Last night we had dinner and spent a pre-New Year's Eve mega bonding. We were supposed to go nightswimming but it rained so we just spent the night cuddling and talking and bonding.

He is everything I could ask for - maaalahanin, mabait, generous, mapagmahal, malambing pero seloso at moody. Well, he can't be perfect kasi may mga pagkukulang din naman ako kaya ok lang.

I think 2011 will be a wonderful challenge for both of uis lalo na he's coming back to residency in a government hospital.

I think I have matured this year. Maybe because it's my responsibilities at work, maybe because I grow up.

Whatever it is, thank you 2010.

No FB 'til Christmas, Duplicity and All that Stuff

I hope this blogpost gets posted on my FB account, nevertheless, I'll still write this...

I have been neglecting my blog since November. Probably because I was so busy with work, my family and my new partner in life.

Geez, Doc has been so kind. Of course we have our ups and downs, twice we already had a fight but of course we made up.

There has been so many changes and challenges at work.

Change is good. Change is for the better. However, not all is receptive to change especially if they don't understand or intentionally don't want to understand.

Each individual has his or her own personality. Some can be open minded to change, others are narrow-minded and resist change, while others are two-faced.

Let's talk about Duplicity.

A friend in the office told me that I should never show I'm affected. I cannot not show. My sense of social responsibility is so high, it disappoints and hurts me when things go bad. Heck, I was born under the sigh of Libra, ruled by the planet Venus, the Roman goddess of beauty and love. I am most happy if there is harmony everywhere and it gives me a heavy heart if there is not.

But I want to talk about duplicity.

Like I said before, I am just a mirror. I just show you or treat you the way you wanted to be treated. But overall, I am overall nice. I do not make "taray" or "suplado" and I believe I am as supportive as I can be to the point that I blindly give my support.

My bad.

Not everyone who smiles or show they are nice to me are indeed nice. Not all that say's "hi" are sincere.

I am human. That hurts me.

I am as approachable as you can get but this, me being nice and kind is being abused.

So let's talk about karma. As good as I believe I am, I do not wish bad karma to happen to people who abuse my kindness. That's how kind I am ha ha.

Recently, I am quite surprised and amazed with the rumors flying around. I am not used to being the center of gossip. Golly, why me?

I try to be as low-key as possible.

To avoid these nasty gossips, ASK ME. I will tell you the real deal.

He he he, I am rambling but I hope I got to touch the issues plaguing me and got it off my chest.

Hmmmm, last song syndrome from a K-Pop song "I don't care...e e e e" or something like that.

I DON'T CARE ha ha ha... I really find it funny, these speculations. Speculate all you want, those are just speculations ha ha ha.

Oooooooh, it's 17 (or 16) days before Christmas....

I go out of the house to go to school at 5AM. The air is cold. The sky is still twinkling with stars. Sarap matulog!!!!!

2010 - Mixed Blessings, Still Blessed

In a few weeks time, it's another year. I am not thinking of Christmas anymore, I didn't bother to think my past birthday. As early as now, November 5, I will review my 2010...

Lovelife? I will write about this at the end...

My finances has been settled last June, I am so very very proud of that. Eight credit cards, amounting to more or less to PhP200,000.00. Most (almost all) of it is a result of investing in a business that didn't boom. Ha ha, if not for that, maybe I would have had a car by now.

I am hoping to start 2011 with a clean slate... happier, more alive... healthier...

Family Life

Ondoy was never kind in 2009. Even if it's a year ago, it left its horrible scars not physically but emotionally.

My parents were traumatized with the flood that Ondoy brought and has been renting houses since 2009 (well, Ondoy is just one of the reasons why they left our family house) and with my sister's help and generosity, my parents are now settled in Antipolo.

Doc

I was very sleepy last night, I wasn't listening, but now that I am awake, yes Doc, I promise to take care of my health. I am so touched that you want me to be healthy, and hopefully, in a few months I will change the title of my blog when I lose weight.

Love you Doc...

Breakfast with you...

Doc, thank you for mending my broken heart...


After numerous relationships (I would have liked to say failed relationships but on second thought decided to forego the word failed), I am starting one anew.


We reconnected through FB. Thanks Facebook. He searched for me and he found me.


Had a great time just talking and talking and falling asleep in his arms...


And since I don't cook, we had breakfast at the all-time Filipino fast food chain - Jollibee ha ha ha!

And I love the way you take care of me...


I love the way you look at me...


I am loving you...


And if, you decide to go ahead and marry and have a family on your own,


I will always be a friend, remember that.


Missing you already...

Finding Mr. Right - An Introduction

Finding Mr. Right

as published in Image Magazine - February 2004

Updated, March 8, 2008


Is it right to find Mr. Right? But actually, the real question is, is there a Mr. Right, not just for me but for everyone? If there is, then, it is not pointless to look and find him. And since my original question is, is it right to find Mr. Right, I am assuming that there exist a Mr. Right for me. Or should I make one perhaps? Or be one? Since I was aware that I am different from everyone else, that happiness is not only self-derived, I have been longing for someone to be my special someone.


Maybe it was culture or social conditioning, but the point is – we look for other people for validation and confirmation. I wouldn’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I don’t look for other people for love. Yes, it is the greatest love of all, learning to love one’s self but deep in my heart, it is greater to love and be loved by someone else. Since I came to this conclusion, I realized that longing for that somebody else hurts. It hurts to feel the emptiness of your heart that no matter what you do, you could not just fill it up. It pains to realize that after all the search, after one relationship after another; there is still the void of emptiness. Each relationship brings new insights and the realization that I haven’t met the one; the someone that would make my life different. The one, Mr. Right.


How could I find the Mr. Right of my life? I have tried going out for dates, meeting new people. I have been used, abused, manipulated and terribly hurt, only because I thought that if I only give-in, I will have Mr. Right. Talk about being desperate! But still I haven’t met him. Some may argue that to meet Mr. Right, one has to be one. One has to be the right person too. And I believe I am. I am caring, passionate, romantic and giving. I am sincere, thoughtful and sensitive. I appreciate life, I love fun. I am a good conversationalist, understanding, and smart. I am simple, and yet complicated. I am not a high-maintenance person. I admit, I am not perfect, but who is? I am not looking for Mr. Perfect; I am looking for Mr. Right.


Mr. Right for me is someone who, unabashedly, will sing me a song or recite to me a poem he had written. He isn’t necessarily good looking but pleasantly clean and neat. He is confident, and supportive, understanding and romantic. He is adventurous, encouraging me to try new things and discover new activities. Sometimes, he is quiet, preferring a night on the bed, talking. Or holding hands at the movies. He would enjoy going to the beach once in a while and with me, wait for the sun to set, the moon and stars to come out, sleep on the sand with the waves of the sea lulling us to sleep only to be awakened by the sunrise. Or an evening where he will cook pasta and set the table with candles and have dessert while listening to my favorite song “Your Song” or watching “Sleepless in Seattle or Serendipity.” We could have the same taste in music, food, books; or not. He can be very complicated, and I would cherish every moment in my life I’m sharing with him understanding his complexity. He could be simple and I would enjoy every moment of simple life, as long as it’s with him. I’ll share with him every thought, dreams and aspirations I have. He could be of my age, or older or younger. He could be all of the above… or not, again, I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect, just the one, someone who would feel right to me.


The task of finding Mr. Right may be fruitless, but at least no one can accuse me of not having tried at all. I may be getting older, but definitely, I am getting wiser. If five years from now, Mr. Right haven’t come along yet, I wouldn’t give up but I will go on with my life. The important thing is, aside from Mr. Right who hasn’t come yet, there’s another one who loves me as I am. Me.


Five years had passed. Did I meet my Mr. Right? In a way no, I met Mr. Right Now. But like every love story, or any story for that matter, mine had a beginning and an ending… And it just ended when my Mr. Right found his bride and I became his best man.


Ironic isn’t it?


To love someone for five years and have that chapter in my life end. Funny thing is, I am proud to say that at least, when our story ended, our life as friends began.


He is all of the above as I described and more. But this is not an open letter for him, but a letter for my potential lifemate.


Lifemate.


If there’s one thing I have learned in this quest of mine, is that love happens when you least expect it. But once again, I am putting myself out there, trying to catch the attention of Mr. Right, because maybe, just maybe, he needs a little nudge. Now that I have made my move, the next step is entirely up to him. He can either e-mail me or call me. I am patient, I can wait… because I know, spending the rest of my life with Mr. Right is worth waiting.

Why look for Mr. Right?

I have written the first post here in 2000, but it was published in 2004, I updated it in 2008 and now it's 2010 and I'm still looking for him.

Not Really Looking

I specifically got this laptop to motivate myself to start writing. It has been what, two months hence and I have not written anything substantial since then.


Moreover, it has been a week ago since I celebrated my birthday. I can’t really say it isthe best but it is certainly among the best birthday celebrations I had in my 34 years. This is the first time I got four cakes (almost five but the last one was changed to ice cream instead!)!


I only started having cakes when I started working. I grew up in a lower-middle class family, where these luxuries (cakes, ice creams and such) were not favored so much but instead homemade rice cakes (biko) and noodles (pancit). We were not being patriotic but were actually being frugal and practical.


Now I understand why (more often than I should) I indulge with a pint of ice cream and eating chocolate cakes is really a treat for me.


Going back to my blog title… why find Mr. Right?


I have received lots (well, tons to be honest) of love advice regarding this matter. And reviewing my first entry – the introduction – I cringe! I am so hopelessly romantic but I never realize I was that sappy.


Have I given up my search? Did I really look for Mr. Right?


The more you look, the more he eludes me.


So I stopped looking.


After my last relationship with Mr. Feeling-Straight-but-isn’t (who is also Mr. Feeling-Gwapo aka Mr, User-Friendly), I decided to just take stock of my current social status and concentrate on my own.


And Mr. Right has finally found me.

Sadness

This morning, I was feeling quite sad. I remember when I was trapped during the flood during Ondoy last year. It was only know that it is really hitting me that I with my family could have died then.

I am sad because my passion for material things is gone. Money, aside from the fact that I need it for my basic needs, doesn't really hold me. And despite the rebuilding I and my family is undergoing, I really feel I have not recovered yet.

Facebook Status

If not today, when? The seed of a great idea will not prosper unless planted. It will not grow unless nurtured. Patience is indeed a virtue, as an unripe fruit is bitter. A flower's bud is just a suggestion of it's full bloom and fragrance. Hurry not, everything has its proper timing in God's plan, so be it. - Rob Rubina, dreamer, July 27, 2010

It is so easy to say "wait"... but the act of waiting... torture.

Crocodile Tears

I am a sucker for people who cries.

I saw you cry three times (or you let me see you cry or you intentionally let me see you cry - whatever!)!

You cried because you decided to leave me. So, three time you have left and the last time, you never came - which is very fine with me.

So what am I carping about?

Because, up until this time, you still OWE me big time!

Using People/People Using You

after all this time, after all the giving, there are certain people who will just use you and leave you if they are done with you already.

they will promise heaven and earth, use their charm and sex appeal to get what they want and after getting it, will leave you to bite the dust.

there is one who after getting what he wants, helping him to get where he is now, just forgets everything. para sa iyo, gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi ka makakarating sa posisyon mo ngayon kung hindi ako nagpatapak sa yo. the least you could have done is pay off the debt you owe. all the while you thought bayad ka na? kailan pa?

i really don't care about the emotional aspect anymore, because emotionally, you are dead to me but i can't just let some things pass by without me saying my piece. if other people get to know about this, it's your fault. hindi mo inayos muna bago ka nagbago.

ang sa akin lang, wag ka sana makarma. digital pa naman karma ngayon...

When AGE defined MATURITY

When AGE defined MATURITY

Not all people mature when they age. I personally would like to believe that I am still young. I proudly wear my age – I’m 33 years old, and yes, I do not feel my age.
There are certain aspects in my life that makes me believe that maturity is a matter of perspective.

I may be “young” in the way that I feel (I don’t feel old) but as the years go by, I feel my age as responsibilities are expected on me.

Also, the way other people treat me gives me an indication as to how mature I should act and react.

At home, I am second to the youngest among six siblings. I cling to the illusion that I am the “bunso” whatever perks that it may have.

Commercial break – sarapo ng Chowking Halo Halo ha ha ha

Wala na, I can’t go back na to my thoughts ha ha ha
Eto na lng, my professional growth, gusto ko lang idocument kung nag-grow ba ako professionally:

Senior Ad and PR at Triple-V (Kamayan, Dads, Saisaki, 8 Treasures, Islands Fisherman, Triple-V Express)

Marketing Specialist at the Institute of Maternal and Child Health (NGO)
Assistant Marketing Manager at Quick Stomach

Managing Editor at Design and Architecture Magazine

Editorial Consultant at Teenfad.ph (NGO)

Creative Assistant for PR at Star Cinema

Film Merchandising Assistant at Star Cinema

PR & Creative Officer at Projectionals

Owner – Events Solutions

Owner – Greencab Pizza (Antipolo and Marikina Branches)

Marketing Communications Manager at R2 Holdings (Vivere Salon etc.)

Faculty at Philippine College of Criminology (PCCr)

Marketing Consultant at PCCR

Head of Student Affairs Office concurrent as Head of Marketing & Communications Unit at PCCR (present)

So, up and down pala yung growth ko – kung sa title titingnan ha, saka yung 2 businesses na owned ko, hayz, nabaon naman ako sa utang kaya thankful pa rin ako at may stable job pa rin ako.

TBC

Choices

Sometimes, it is so hard to choose, that we let time slip away and make the choice for us. Not making a choice is still a choice.

We don't have a give of foresight, which is probably good because if we do are able to see our future, and correct our present course of action, wouldn't that negate the future? So the paradox would be, did our foresight true or just wild imaginings? We cannot verify and the bottomline is, life then would become boring.

If we are to act in a pre-ordained set of patterns, what's the point of living?

I guess, no, I believe for that matter, that free will makes us human.

What makes us humane is choosing that free will for the good.

I admit, I was pretty selfish in the past, I only think about myself or only help those that can give me satisfaction in return.

Quite true, that you can only be mature with experience. Looking back to who I was ten years ago, I could just cringe.

Party, gimmicks, late-night dates, drinking but no drugs or smoking, promiscuity etc.

Not only that, my self-confidence in my career is probably the worst.

I was afraid of my bosses, I was always afraid that they wouldn't like my work, I was afraid of getting fired, I was afraid of coming in late, I was afraid of going home on time, I was afraid of so many things.

Time and experience do bring about the confidence in me...

Although I admit that where I am now is a consequence of all my decisions, I am quite surprised to see where it has taken me so far...

TBC

Parenthood

I would like to pay tribute to my parents and to myself. Nothing earth shattering happened this week that inspired me to write this. I just feel like it.

I remember my childhood with fondness. There are lots of experiences when I was a child that hurts me but upon retrospect, I finally understand it now.

My parents did not come from a rich family. My father is a welder and my mother is a plain housewife and despite my father's low income, he was able to send all six of his children, us, to school. My mother is a superwoman in budgeting.

When I was a kid, when all I know in life is playing - I clean our front porch and I was happy to get a 25 centavos. Yup, it was a lot way back then. I would buy candies and toys for beinte singko.

I would know that it is a special occasion in our house if there will be a coke litro during dinner. And because we seldom drink softdrinks, we kids would line up all our glasses just to make sure that the coke is equally distributed among the eight glasses.

It was a big deal for my mother to buy a tang orange then or sunny orange. That is usually reserved for birthdays. Sunny orange or ritchie (where are those now?).

I am not ashamed that we were poor because during my childhood, I didn't know we were. New clothes during Christmas. Hand-me-downs is usual because I have four older brothers. New toys only after we have made the rounds of our ninongs and ninangs.

I am proud of my father and my mother. Because despite the economic difficulty, they were able to buy a lot in Cainta.

I remember then that our house is made up of yero, kahoy that during typhoons, you could hear the roof almost flying and in summer, you cannot really sleep indoors because the yero were so hot. I remember our floor, made up of dirt that every afternoon, we have to water so that the dust would settle down.

I remember our water pump that when I was a kid, my brothers and I would take turns in filling up the drum for our water needs. I remember our backyard then with kangkong, talbos ng kamote, kamoteng kahoy and aratiles. We used to have a chicken coop, and ducks, and dogs then.

And I felt then that I was lucky.

I was never envious of my rich classmates, maybe because I was innocent then. Money has really not much value for a young kid. As long as there is sampalok or aratiles, as long as we can play until night falls - patintero, tumbang preso, piko...

I never really liked vegetables except togue, squash and potato. As long as I can mash it and mix it with my food, then it's good. the broth is just fine. Sinangag is my fave breakfast but not tuyo or galunggong. Kamatis, that I like.

Things moved on dramatically after those simple yesteryears.

I don't envy the kids today na hindi na marunong magsaing, mag-igib ng tubig or maghugas ng pinggan. Spoiled na nga talaga ang generation today.

And in all of these things, my parents has remained constant. I only realized and appreciate their hardship nowadays. I hope it's not too late for me to give them something back, to make their lives a little bit easier compared to before.

They have taught me the discipline and the value of money...

TBC

I Know Him So Well

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

There was never a closure, there was never really a goodbye. In every relationship, I always end up alone, pondering on what happened - where did I go wrong? Wasn't what I give enough? Oh no, this song is not for every man that left me. Yes, I knew them well after they left me, but this is really about me, how I know myself more after each relationship. Those relationships are never a failure nor are they successful but experiences that I learn from.

But yes, the lyrics of the song fits my love life. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't plunge into relationships. I would handle things differently.

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine?
Oh so good
Oh so fine
He can't be mine?
But in the end he needs
A little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his fantasy
And freedom
I know him so well.


It was good while it lasted... but in the end, they do need their fantasy and freedom, so I have to let go...

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.


Ouch, in every relationship, I made them my world. That probably is a big mistake because however much attention and care and love I give, it would seem never enough.

Looking back I could
Have played things
Some other way
Looking back I could
Have played it
Differently
Learned about the man
Before I fell
I was just a little
Careless maybe


Maybe. But in a gay relationship, there is really no "courting" stage. You get to know about the man while you jump into the relationship...

But I was
Ever so much
Younger then
Now at least
Now at least
I know him well
I know I know him well
Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness


It's a convenient excuse, I was young then...

Oh so good
Oh so fine

He won't be mine?
Didn't I know
How it would go?
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?

Isn't it madness
He won't be mine?
He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a
Little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his
Fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

It took time to understand him
I know him so well

Great Love

Last night, a had a dream. In my dream, I was with my first great love. He was my high school best friend. It threw me on a loop that after almost 20 years, the memory of my first love would come to haunt my dreams.

He was my best friend but even before high school ended, we parted ways. It has always puzzled me why he drifted away but looking back, now I think I know why.

We were inseparable in 2nd year. If I was really "out" then, I don't think we could have been friends. Maybe I fell in love with him because he was really handsome. Maybe because he was very sweet and attentive. Maybe because he was very funny. Maybe because he was smart. Maybe because I always saw in him a puppy-eyed look every time he talked about his broken family. Maybe because I was his shoulder to cry on. Maybe. A lot of maybes.

Do I regret my being gay on the cost of losing my friendship and my first great love? Probably. But my gender is not by choice. It is pointless to ponder the what-ifs because there's nothing else to be done, just to be thankful that in those few brief years in high schools, I fell in love for the first time.

We weren't classmates in first year. I prayed so hard that in second year, I could have one good friend since I wasn't able to establish close friendship in the previous years.

Our surnames were right next to each other, so we became seatmates. He was very friendly and was very popular in class. Like I said, we became inseparable.

Came fourth year, for one stupid reason I could not remember now, we had a fight. And for the remaining months, he ignored me.

That time, I was heartbroken. I didn't know the reason why we quarrel and despite efforts from me and our other friends, we didn't make up.

Upon reflection, now I knew why.

We reconnected years back when I was already working and he finishing medical school.

I guess it was time to state the obvious to him, I told him I am gay.

There. We lose connection again.

From his reaction, either he is homophobic or is afraid to validate that he can also be gay.

And I think that was the reason we drifted in our last months in high school.

He was popular. He was a CAT Officer. He was good looking. He was courting a girl then. So how would it look to have a gay best friend?

So that's my first love. The purest love I have ever known.

In my dream last night, for the first time, we kissed. And it was the sweetest kiss I have ever tasted. Even if only it is a dream.