Good morning

I am asking the Lord for a sign, as to which direction I shall take.  Foolish me, anything and everything is a sign! The Lord has made every day beautiful that is surely a sign. The sun rises in the east, from the darkest night; it slowly colors the skies with the magnificent hues of orange and yellow. Despite the early rays of the sun, the morning star and the full moon are still visible to the naked eyes, as if they too await the warmth of the rising sun.  The grasses glistens with dew and the birds are twittering their daybreak rituals.  I so feel invigorated with the day’s promise.

One of life’s lessons that I need to learn is how to accept. It is what it is, after everything has been said and done there is nothing to do to change what has been. It is pointless to feel hurt and pain; these will just defeat the Lord’s plan.

So if nothing went according to my plan, who am I to gainsay God’s plan?

Change and Selfishness

There are moments that we are stuck in a rut, and no matter what we do, we seem unable to get out of it.

We think that it is easy to just pick up the pieces, move on. Well, it isn’t.

There are moments when it is easier to just give up and give in, it is more easy not to do anything.

We preach, we have heard, we have been lectured on about change, how it is inevitable, how nothing is constant except change. What if you don’t to change or don’t want change to happen? Whatever it is, deciding not to change or change, there seems nothing we can do about it. It’s as if the cosmos wouldn’t care less. In the grand scheme of things, who really cares?

But we care, because for us, it’s about us. It may sound selfish, but that’s the reality of life. I don’t think there’s one person who is really unselfish or selfless. Come on, give me one name. If you give me a martyr’s name or a hero’s name, that person is selfish I’m telling you. Because he/she died without thinking about his/her family, did he/she consider the feelings of those left behind? They might have died because of the cause or principle, they might have changed the world, but still, they hurt the people that matters most to them, their family and loved ones. I am not belittling their sacrifices, my point is, it is human nature to be selfish. It’s a matter of degree and “execution.”

My point is, change will always happen, moving on is not optional because whether we go with the change or not, the whole spectrum of our life change, so if we stand still and allow the world to change, for the rest of the world, we changed by not moving on (you get what I mean?) and my last point is, everybody is selfish (to some degree) so whatever your intention may be, deep in your heart, the bottom line motivation is, selfishness. PS, I didn’t say it’s bad, it’s how you look at it.

10 Days to Go

10 days to go. I don't expect dramatic changes to happen, for most, October 4, a Tuesday is an ordinary day. People may go to school or work, while some may go through the day unnoticed, doing ordinary things they usually do. The world turns, another day, getting nearer to the Christmas season anticipated.

I’m turning 35, and yet, I do not feel my age. There are days when I feel older, what with my hypertension and diabetis, taking maintenance medicine, bones and joints aching especially in the morning when I can’t seem to get up… that is old age creeping up. Then there are days when I feel younger, especially with the immaturity I seem to possess.

So it’s my birthday ten days from now. I think it will be an ordinary day. I pray that it be so, that God continue His blessings, that my mother is still in good health, my siblings and their family safe. I have really nothing to ask from God except thank you. God has been good to us. If I have to recount the past 34 years, God has been kind to us. The mere fact that we never have to endure a day without food or shelter is a big deal already, the mere fact that we overcome the Ondoy tragedy is a big blessing already. My father might not be with us anymore, but I feel God called my father already to ease his suffering and enjoy eternal life free from pain. I miss my father.

We were never been close I admit, but upon reflection, my father and I had this unspoken bond. I don’t blame him. How can he handle having a gay son? A son with “Jr.” as suffix? But I am most grateful for his acceptance. My being gay has never been an issue or a concern. I am his son, gay or not, no buts no ifs. I so miss his simple words. He was the one who always call me during meal times. Whenever I came home from work, he always made sure that I get to eat. Those were our bonding moments, he always asked me if I have eaten already. During his last few days, I never regret that I get to spend more time taking care of him. On his last day, riding the ambulance with him, alone, that even though he had breathed his last, I know he can still hear me, you are the best father to me.

So as I celebrate my birthday ten days from now, I don’t expect for it to be extraordinary, rather, I thank God for every ordinary day He has given everyday. And October 4 may be another ordinary day, it’s all right.