Parenthood

I would like to pay tribute to my parents and to myself. Nothing earth shattering happened this week that inspired me to write this. I just feel like it.

I remember my childhood with fondness. There are lots of experiences when I was a child that hurts me but upon retrospect, I finally understand it now.

My parents did not come from a rich family. My father is a welder and my mother is a plain housewife and despite my father's low income, he was able to send all six of his children, us, to school. My mother is a superwoman in budgeting.

When I was a kid, when all I know in life is playing - I clean our front porch and I was happy to get a 25 centavos. Yup, it was a lot way back then. I would buy candies and toys for beinte singko.

I would know that it is a special occasion in our house if there will be a coke litro during dinner. And because we seldom drink softdrinks, we kids would line up all our glasses just to make sure that the coke is equally distributed among the eight glasses.

It was a big deal for my mother to buy a tang orange then or sunny orange. That is usually reserved for birthdays. Sunny orange or ritchie (where are those now?).

I am not ashamed that we were poor because during my childhood, I didn't know we were. New clothes during Christmas. Hand-me-downs is usual because I have four older brothers. New toys only after we have made the rounds of our ninongs and ninangs.

I am proud of my father and my mother. Because despite the economic difficulty, they were able to buy a lot in Cainta.

I remember then that our house is made up of yero, kahoy that during typhoons, you could hear the roof almost flying and in summer, you cannot really sleep indoors because the yero were so hot. I remember our floor, made up of dirt that every afternoon, we have to water so that the dust would settle down.

I remember our water pump that when I was a kid, my brothers and I would take turns in filling up the drum for our water needs. I remember our backyard then with kangkong, talbos ng kamote, kamoteng kahoy and aratiles. We used to have a chicken coop, and ducks, and dogs then.

And I felt then that I was lucky.

I was never envious of my rich classmates, maybe because I was innocent then. Money has really not much value for a young kid. As long as there is sampalok or aratiles, as long as we can play until night falls - patintero, tumbang preso, piko...

I never really liked vegetables except togue, squash and potato. As long as I can mash it and mix it with my food, then it's good. the broth is just fine. Sinangag is my fave breakfast but not tuyo or galunggong. Kamatis, that I like.

Things moved on dramatically after those simple yesteryears.

I don't envy the kids today na hindi na marunong magsaing, mag-igib ng tubig or maghugas ng pinggan. Spoiled na nga talaga ang generation today.

And in all of these things, my parents has remained constant. I only realized and appreciate their hardship nowadays. I hope it's not too late for me to give them something back, to make their lives a little bit easier compared to before.

They have taught me the discipline and the value of money...

TBC

I Know Him So Well

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

There was never a closure, there was never really a goodbye. In every relationship, I always end up alone, pondering on what happened - where did I go wrong? Wasn't what I give enough? Oh no, this song is not for every man that left me. Yes, I knew them well after they left me, but this is really about me, how I know myself more after each relationship. Those relationships are never a failure nor are they successful but experiences that I learn from.

But yes, the lyrics of the song fits my love life. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't plunge into relationships. I would handle things differently.

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine?
Oh so good
Oh so fine
He can't be mine?
But in the end he needs
A little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his fantasy
And freedom
I know him so well.


It was good while it lasted... but in the end, they do need their fantasy and freedom, so I have to let go...

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.


Ouch, in every relationship, I made them my world. That probably is a big mistake because however much attention and care and love I give, it would seem never enough.

Looking back I could
Have played things
Some other way
Looking back I could
Have played it
Differently
Learned about the man
Before I fell
I was just a little
Careless maybe


Maybe. But in a gay relationship, there is really no "courting" stage. You get to know about the man while you jump into the relationship...

But I was
Ever so much
Younger then
Now at least
Now at least
I know him well
I know I know him well
Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness


It's a convenient excuse, I was young then...

Oh so good
Oh so fine

He won't be mine?
Didn't I know
How it would go?
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?

Isn't it madness
He won't be mine?
He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a
Little bit more than me --
More security
He needs his
Fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

It took time to understand him
I know him so well