Greencab Pizza

Actually, sobrang tagal na ako nahuhumaling sa Greencab Pizza. Here's the link to their website - www.greencabpizza.biz

Makapagfranchise kaya.

Luck Must Die!

Watched "Just My Luck" last night and "Johny Tucker Must Die". Ganyan talaga pag walang cable, puro DVD ang pinapanood.
Anyway, the first one is about luck, fate, the other movie is about telling lies and truth. Of course andun na yung mga kilig movies and comedy chenelin but of course I wouldnt dwell on that. Shucks, di naman to film review noh.
One thing I just would like to say, in everything we do, as in everything, we control it. We always, ALWAYS, have a choice.
So, kung feeling frustrated ako ngayon, CHOICE ko to!
So, choice ko rin na maging masaya.... bukas na lang, antok na ko eh... he he he

Isang Tula

isang tula noong ako ay walang magawa...

Sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan, may kasamang patak ng luha.
Iisipin mo na panaginip, ang lahat ng dumaan.
Ninais na magising, upang baguhin ang lumipas.
Wala ng magagawa, kundi lingunin ang nagdaan...
Umiling, sabihin sa sarili,
Magbabago din ang lahat...
Ngunit kapag ang puso ay pagod na pala
Kahit anong isip, o dikta ng isipan...
Manhid na, pagod na, wala ng pakialam...
Sa mga nagdaang lumipas
Sa mga panahong naglaho
Ang mga yapak ng kahapon
Animo'y yapak sa buhangin sa dalampasigan...
Na pag dinaanan na ng tubig dagat
Sa isang iglap ay mabubura.
Sa pagtulog, may pahinga nga ba?
Sa paggising, may bago bang lakas?
Ang bukas ba ay puno ng pag-asa?
O katulad lamang ng mga nagdaan?
Sa isang pitsel na tubig, kalahati ang laman
Ito ba ay puno o kulang?
Ang bukangliwayway ba ay maganda
Kung sa dapithapon, ang araw ay magpapaalam din naman...
Oo nga at may buwan at bituin,
Marikit tingnan sa kalangitan
Ngunit kaylamig, katulad ng hangin sa gabi
Walang pakialam...

Tawi-Tawi Adventures

Btw, paano ba maglagay ng pictures dito? Nye he he he. Bopols kasi ako pag technical na. Alam ko, may nagtatyaga magbasa ng blog ko, kaya help naman dyan... gusto ko kasi lagay pics ko nung pumunta ako sa Tawi-Tawi...

Wala me masabi kasi gusto ko sana the pictures will speak for themselves...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Dami ng nangyayari sa buhay ko................

Malapit na ako magbirthday! Wala pa rin me boyfriend! he he he. Yun na lang birthday wish ko.

Nyek, about Tawi-Tawi pala dapat isusulat ko...

Tsaka Zamboanga, galing din ako dun...

SAYANG! Ang gwapo pa naman nung pilot na nasakyan ko nung pumunta ako ng Tawi-Tawi. Kinausap naman nya ako kaso, shy kasi ako eh kaya di ko siya kinausap. Smile lang. Tanga ko talaga.

ESTAR KIDZ MODELING & DANCE WORKSHOP NOW OPEN

The exciting new venue for kids to learn how to be a superstar, EStar Kidz Modeling and Dance Workshop at Ever Gotesco Ortigas Complex is now open.

EStar Kidz Modeling and Dance Workshop is open for all kids 4 to 12 years old and teens 13 to 17 years old. The EStar Kidz: Modeling and Dance Workshop is a four-day a month workshop from 10am to 12 noon only at Ever Gotesco Ortigas Complex. At the end of the workshop, the participants shall showcase what they have learned through a conceptualized mall show and TV guestings. The workshop is not only a venue for the children and teens to develop and train their talents but also a place where they can gain new friends, develop confidence, teamwork, time management, creativity and artistry, and most of all, discipline.

For inquiries and reservations, please call Events Solutions at 2482474/2482839 or 0921-7963689.

My Take on Brokeback Mountain

Napuyat ako sa movie na ito. Pinanood ko kagabi. Curious ako kasi andaming Oscar Nominations and awards ng natanggap. And of course I was wondering how a gay love story could become the epic love story touted today. Oo na, sasabihin ko, I had high expectations. Dapat pala, wala he he he. In the first place, DRAMA yung movie, as in... drama kung drama sa bagal. Sabagay, maganda ang cinematography. Sus, ang ganda ng nature scenes. In fairness, magaling si Heith Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall. Para sa mga gustong makakita ng frontal nudity (ooops, hindi po ni Heith and Jake, pwet lang nila makikita nyo), meron. Nalokah nga ako eh. Si Princess Diaries and Ella Enchanted Ann Hathaway, nagpakita ng boobs. Di ko maimagine! Si Michelle Williams din, pero sa kanya, ok lang, slut naman kasi siya sa Dawson's Creek di ba? Pero alam nyo, sa character nya ako sobrang nakaemphatize.

Di po kasalanan ang umibig, kay boy-girl, boy-boy or girl-girl but the bottomline is, dapat walang nasasagasaan na tao. Yun lang naman eh. Ok, nagkainlove-an yung dalawang cowboy. Fine. Pero, after they separated the first time, and got married to their wives, dapat hindi na sila nagkabalikan.

Sheeet, umiyak ako nung makita ni Michelle Williams yung asawa niya may kahalikang lalake. Parang tinarak ng kutsilyo ang puso ko. What's worse, wala siyang magawa. They had two babies to take care of. Tapos, eto namang si lalake, nag-aalibi pa na fishing buddies, and they have been doing it for 20 years. Cguro nung di na kaya ni Michelle, nakipagdivorce siya. I was rooting for her. Kasi siya yung api eh. Lalo na nung binuko niya yung asawa niya. Sabi niya, hindi kayo nagfifishing dahil may note siyang tinali sa fishing rod at hindi man lamang nabasa. Kakaloka, yung lalaki pa ang nagalit sa kanya.

Hmp. Anong magandang message ba ang binigay nung film? Na kesyo its a bold gay movie? Nyek. That the power of love could withstand the test of time? Nyek ulit. Ok lang yun, as long as walang ibang taong nasasaktan, walang ibang tao na niloloko. Kasi yung love nung dalawang cowboy, for me, it's selfishness. or siguro nga tao lang sila, may mga weaknesses. Ako man, aaminin ko, pagdating sa love, irrational ako eh he he he. tatanga-tanga minsan.

But of course, we are talking about movies here kaya syempre, may expectations ioka nga. So ngayon, im rooting for Walk The Line for best picture. Ok lang sa akin na manalo si Heith, Jake and Michelle. They are all great but overall, the movie itself, hindi ako solb.

Love Story

Author's Note:

The first part of this story was published at IMAGE MAGAZINE last 2003.

IN DREAMS



In dreams, we come in full circle…
In dreams, nothing is impossible…
In dreams, love grows and withers…
In dreams, love goes on forever.

Dolores Liu
Born April 15, 1880
Died October 4, 1976

It was past midnight when Paolo finished unpacking his belongings. “Not bad, not bad at all. This place would suit me fine. This old room would be conducive to my assignment. With this kind of environment, I think I could finish the painting in half the time.” The house where Paolo would be staying for the next six weeks was an old Spanish house in Vigan, Ilocos Sur. “This is perfect.” The beach was just around the corner of the house and the garden, although it looked like it has not been taken cared of for years, were perfect backdrops for his painting.

“I’ll start my painting tomorrow,” Paolo said to himself. Even the room looked old and very Spanish. The bed was still supported with four posts; the windows made up of capiz and the wall, composed of wood. What was so prominent in the room was the big old oval mirror that faced the door. About Paolo’s height, the full-length ornate mirror could reflect almost the whole content of the room. Too tired to change clothes, Paolo fell asleep immediately.

The house was very quiet. I do hope mama is asleep already. It has been three days since I last visited the garden…my garden. I missed these roses. Ahhhhhh, to smell their fragrance as they bloom is reward already for my three- day confinement. I don’t regret answering mama back. I don’t really like Arnulfo. If only I have someone to share this garden of mine. I don’t like to share this with Arnulfo, that small wrinkly Chinese my mama would like me to marry. I don’t like him. I wish papa was here. I am sure papa would not like his little girl married to a sickly looking Chinese.

Later this evening, as I was brushing my hair at the window overlooking the garden and preparing for sleep, I saw this stranger in the garden. He seemed so out of place and confused. But what is he doing in my garden? He shouldn’t be here! I had to go down the garden and confront the man. Who does he think he is?

“What are you doing here?” I asked the man.
“I think I am lost…” said the strange man.
“Obviously you are mister. Could you leave my garden? I don’t even know how you got here!”

The strange man was wearing an unfamiliar outfit. It was rather odd to see a man dressed so out of place here. He was probably in his twenties. Tall, mestiso and quite well built, I assumed he was a foreigner but not Spanish. All the Spaniards were leaving the area. If he was a Spaniard, the new kapitan would immediately arrest him. What with the war against Spain finally over, the Castillans didn’t have any reason to stay. But this stranger was mestizo…he might be one of the new breed of white people, the Amerikano. He was probably lost on his way to the plaza where most of his kind was staying. But he didn’t have the built of a soldier.

“Yes, I am lost miss, can you tell me where I am now?” asked the man.
“Aha! What are you doing wandering in the night, going into other people’s garden, and here you are asking me where you are right now? Well sir, for your information, you are in our garden, at calle de Caridad, where are you going?”
“In fact, am not sure miss. I don’t even know if I am supposed to be here.”
“You ARE not supposed to be here! This is MY private garden!”

I know I was being rude to the man, but I could not help it. What was more annoying was, I think he found me amusing! I see his smile playing at the corners of his lips and his eyes twinkling. Whatever. I am not going to fall for a stranger.

“Well, I think your garrison señor is a block from here. You could probably use the next street, calle de Soledad to take you to your base.”
“Base? No, I don’t belong to any base. Actually, I think I was drawn to this place because of the roses. It was a first for me to see more than a dozen roses abloom at the same time.”
“Well these are my roses. Thank you for noticing them. Now could you please leave before I call for help? You are tresspassing young man.”
“No, that is okay…”

And like a dream, when I was picking some roses for our altar, when I turned around, the stranger was not there anymore. Who was he? What did he want? Why did he leave so suddenly?

Paolo woke up with a start. What a very vivid dream. Immediately, he went to his art supplies and started setting up his canvas. I would like to capture that dream, that one very moment. Fleetingly, he smelled the scent of roses as he unfolded his canvas on his easel. But when he started to draw with his brush, all he made were strokes of dark blue against the very whiteness of the canvass. Frustrated that his dream left his consciousness so fast, he went to the window to smoke. It will come in good time.

Looking over from the window, he could see the beach around the bend beckoning to him to take a plunge and swim. Underneath the window was the garden run wild with weeds and grasses. I think this is the garden I dreamt about last night…am not sure though. Anyway, I have no time to speculate when I have so much more to do.

Paolo was reading a classic historical novel about the Spanish-American war in a rocking chair in front of the big ornate mirror in his room when sleep overtook him at around midnight. Probably, he was too tired from the whole day cleaning, arranging and looking around the house he could easily fall asleep.

He was here again early this evening. I don’t know what he wants! I was pruning my roses when, suddenly from nowhere, this strange man appeared around the corner. Come to think of it, he didn’t look that foreign to me now. With eyes as light as a young balsa wood and hair with light brown tint, it’s no wonder I mistaken him for an Amerikano… but when he approached me, he spoke in the dialect and I knew for sure, he is a native. Perhaps, he was one of the creoles. Mama wouldn’t let me out of the house and the only man she wanted me to see was Arnulfo. This is my opportunity, even if, mama had warned me not to talk to strangers but for once, I would talk to this man, although he is stranger to me. It was quite unnatural for me to talk to him and be with him tonight. But who cares?

“It’s you again. Don’t do that again, will you!”
“Do what?”
“Popping from out of the corner, scaring the chickens out of me!”
“Did I scare you?”
“Not you, the way you just appear…”
“You have very beautiful roses, almost but not quite, as beautiful as you.”
“You sure do knows how to make a woman blush don’t you?”


I felt myself blush then. Who was this man who came here all of a sudden? Who was this man that makes my pulse run wild and my heart beat faster? Mama would get angry at me if she saw me talking to a stranger. I turned to leave. I should not be here seen talking to a man. Was this how a Filipina should behave? I should never be kept alone with a man…much less a stranger.

“Wait…” he said, “Can’t I even know your name?”
“Why? I don’t know you. I think it would be more courteous if you introduced yourself first. And by the way, this is MY garden.”
“Okay, okay! I am Paolo. And you are?”

“Dolores.” Paolo was not sure who Dolores was but as he woke up, it was this name that kept on echoing in his mind. “Dolores? Now I am bothered.” Throughout his adult life, there had never been a time a woman’s name invaded his sleep. “I will not accomplish much if I stay here and muse about a girl’s name I haven’t really met.” Today was the day Paolo would be meeting the owner of the house to discuss his stay at the old Spanish mansion. “Maybe if I get to know the history of the house, I could come up with an inspiration.”

“Mrs. Liu? Thank you very much for letting me stay in this house.”
“No problem, hijo, just finish the painting my husband commissioned you to do…”
“Could you tell me something about this house madame?”
“Well, according to my husband, Danding, he inherited this house from his great-grandmother. His lola lived for a long time in this house. This was built for more than a hundred years ago and has withstood the wars that ravaged Vigan then.”
“Have you seen the garden hijo? It used to be the pride of the clan when Danding’s lola was still alive. Nobody’s garden could be compared to the roses that bloomed in this garden. Among all the houses here, this was the only one untouched by the Japanese when they burned this village.”

Later that afternoon, Paolo started making sketches for the commissioned painting. Mr. Liu would like to have a painting depicting the house in all its glory, probably set during the post-Spanish era but definitely not during the American occupation. According to Mrs. Liu, it was during that period, 1899, that the house was frequently flocked with so many admirers, natives and locals alike. The garden would be the centerpiece.

“What are you doing here?” I asked the man as I approached him sitting on a bench near the grotto. “You just don’t come here every night!”
“I am not sure Dolores, I am not sure. But every night, I felt drawn to this garden and hoping that I would see you. Every night I come here, and thank God, every night I see you.”
“Were you spying on me?”
“I am only here to admire you and look at you, nothing beyond that.”
‘But I don’t even know you…you are but a stranger to me.”
“I am a stranger in this place and time Dolores. But with you, I do not feel lost…”

“Paolo, you don’t know me…”
“That’s is why I am here, to know you. The first time I saw you, it’s as if I belong to you and you belong to me.”

Should I encourage him? There had never been a man in my life. For all my eighteen years of existence, my parents had kept me hidden. I could not even go out, I had no friends except perhaps my yaya. And now, I was arranged to get married to Arnulfo, the man I do not even know or care to know about. Finally, when I felt that I have no more hopes left, Paolo came into my life.

It had been a month since I first saw Paolo. My dream, my lover, my beloved. The nights I spent with you could last me a lifetime. Even if we just talked, even if we just meet for just a few hours every night. I look forward to seeing you Paolo every night. I want to be free with you Paolo, to see your world.

“Who is she?” That was the first question that came to Paolo’s mind. “Who was this girl that haunts my sleep?” Immediately from bed, as if guided by invisible hands, Paolo started drawing strokes on the canvas. After an hour of intense concentration, he was taken aback with the picture he had drawn. Long black hair nestling in an oval shaped face. Eyes the color of almonds, nose nicely shaped. Lips so red, hiding a trace of smile. A dimple on the left cheek, a small mole on the chin. Nicely shaped eyebrows, thick and long eyelashes. Who was this girl of my dream? Paolo had drawn a girl sitting on a bench near the grotto. The girl was dressed in an old-fashioned patadyong. She was wearing wooden shoes and was holding a bouquet of roses on her lap. She was smiling, as if posing for a camera. In her eyes, Paolo could see the happiness and hope for the girl. Who was she?

I have fallen in love with a man I barely knew. He comes to me every night like a dream. If only Paolo could save me from an unhappy future, but what is his power compared to fate?

“I will be married to Arnulfo this Sunday. I do not love him.”
“Where I go, you cannot follow…but in my heart, you will always be here.”
“But I am getting married this Sunday!”
“If only I could take you with me…if only we could be together. But even fate conspired against us.”

With a heavy heart I said goodbye to Paolo. I was not even sure if I am gong to see him again, perhaps. But before he left, he gave me one very important thing. He gave me a ring. He said that this ring would forever be our symbol of love. He gave me love and a chance to love truly.

Paolo woke up with a start. His heart beating wildly, his pulse running wild. He was drenched with sweat. As he fumbled for the light switch, he dragged himself upright. As the lights turned on, he looked at the mirror and felt his haggard face. What is it? I feel that something bad has happened. Looking at his hands, he was amazed not to find his college ring in his middle finger.

Today I died. I was married to Arnulfo, the man my mama wanted me to marry but I don’t love. Today my heart is taken from me. Is this how love must be?

Mr. Liu came that afternoon to check on the progress of Paolo. Paolo had set up his easel in the garden, near the grotto to get the full effect for his painting. Mr. Liu excitedly waited for Paolo to take off the white cloth that covers the painting. As he did so, Mr. Liu could not help but exclaim his surprise. The old Spanish house was painted brand new. The capiz windows were all new. The setting was early evening. Stars were just starting to come out and the moon was half full. The garden was the centerpiece of the house and was proudly drawn in bloom.

“Where did you get that? How did you get this painting done?”
“What do you mean Mr. Liu? Don’t you like it? What I painted was what you had in mind. I feel that I captured the spirit of the house.”
“You did hijo, you did. You captured the house in its golden age, you captured the garden in its bloom. But what amazes me, how did you able to draw my Lola Dolores?”

Dumbstruck, Paolo did not know how to answer. I just did.

“My Lola Dolores never looked so happy than I remember. I had never seen her really smile. I think she never loved my Lolo Arnulfo. They only had one child, my father. My father told me that the garden was my lola’s favorite part. She was always here taking care of the roses. That bench was my lola’s usual place. It is the place where she told me and my other brothers stories of the war. It was also the place where she chose to spend her last days here on earth.”

Mr. Liu had left the house with the painting. He was so amazed at what Paolo had done, right then and there, he commissioned him to do the portrait of him and his wife.

Paolo got back to his room and slowly sat down on the rocking chair in front of the oval mirror. But it was all a dream…it was never true. But as Paolo looked at the mirror, he remembered Mr. Liu last words before he left.

“According to my lola, this is where she found her true love, her life. She started living when she first met the man she loved, and here she died when her love left her. She never told us what happened, or why her love left her. For years, everyday, lola Dolores stayed here hoping that her man would come back. She really loved the guy, she was willing to leave my lolo for him, if ever he comes back. And you know, what my lola’s last words in this garden was?”
“What?” Paolo asked, fearing the words that would Mr. Liu would say next.
“Let me see, it was October 4, 1976 then. I could not really forget that day. Lola and I were here at this garden, just sitting on this bench. I was ten years old then. My lola was taking a nap, when suddenly, her eyes flew open and she sighed.”
“He’s here now. I can now rest in peace. My love has come back. I am happy now.”
“I don’t understand my lola, at 96, I think she was quite senile already. But that night, my lola died with a smile. It was the only time I saw her really happy.”

Paolo was at a loss. How could it be true, how could it happen? It was all a dream! October 4, 1976 was my birthday. How could it be me?

The next day, Paolo started packing. As he looked at the mirror, he saw his dreams played back. Was it really a dream? Slowly, he felt the mirror as if to test its authenticity. As if my magic, he was drawn by a vision.

Today, I don’t like to live…I have died when Paolo left me…but as long as I live, and forever, I vow that I will only love one man. This I swear. With this knife, I will draw my own blood and use it to sign this journal. I think I shall never write again…I hope someday, my scions will get to know what really happened. In this journal, I entrust my feelings and all the moments I shared with Paolo. When the right time comes, somebody in the future will get to know what happened. Somebody special will find this book behind this mirror.

As Paolo turned to leave, he heard a sudden clink of metal. There was his college ring under the oval mirror. It was his ring and yet it was not. It was as if the ring had aged one hundred years, tarnished with age but when he looked at the writings inside, his name was engraved in it, Paolo Cervantes. As he bent to retrieve the ring on the floor, he noticed that the oval mirror is not really fitted on the wall. Curios about it, he felt for the space between the oval mirror and the wall. In it, he felt leather. He took it out and realized it was a book. With a heart beating wildly, he slowly opened the book and read the first entry.

October 4, 1899

The house was very quiet. I do hope mama is asleep already. It has been three days since I last visited this garden…my garden. I missed these roses. Ahhhhhh, to smell their fragrance as they bloom is reward already for my three- day confinement. If only I have someone to share this garden of mine.

Paolo gently fondled his college ring and whispered a name, Dolores. But you have shared the garden with your one true love, Dolores. I will come back here Dolores and take care of your garden, our garden. Your past is my future. I will see to it that your love for me will not go to waste. It was never a dream Dolores, it was never a dream. Fate cheated us. She denied us time and space, but fate could not withhold our feelings for each other. You are my beloved, Dolores. Wait for me.

After hours of commuting from the Vigan house, Paolo immediately went to bed as soon as he got home. Thinking that he could leave behind the confusing experiences he had in Vigan, he slowly drifted off to sleep.

He was at the Liu’s mansion once again. He saw himself drifting towards the garden where the girl that haunted his dreams sat comfortably on the garden bench. The girl said, “You think you could easily get away from me? After finding you, I wouldn’t want my love to slip my grasp.” He knew that in the few weeks he stayed in that house, he loved the girl even if it was a fantasy, a dream. But this cryptic remark left him with a hope that their love would find fulfillment in this lifetime.

Jackie just arrived from the States after wrapping up a business deal for the family. She was excited, for the first time, she was going to have a luxurious and well-deserved vacation this time in her ancestral home in Vigan. She had been hearing so much about the rest house that she finally capitulated in agreeing to have a vacation there. More than that, she needed a rest from dreams plaguing her for the past weeks. In her dream, she was a witness to a love affair not meant to be.

As soon as she arrived at the mansion, she was surprised to see the house well treated. She was impressed that after all these years, the house was in great condition. She roamed the garden and was amazed with the abundance of roses abloom in the garden. With the many rooms in the house, Jackie chose the one overlooking the garden. The room was simply decorated and the only furniture aside from the four-posted bed was a full-length oval mirror. According to the caretaker, this was her great-grandmother’s room when she was a teenage girl. After unpacking her things and taking a hot shower, Jackie fell asleep.

She saw herself observing a scene between two people. She felt that although the couple was barely touching each other, they were intimately in love. She heard the woman say, “You think you could easily get away from me? After finding you, I wouldn’t want my love to slip my grasp.” She didn’t hear the reply of the guy because he suddenly vanished. She didn’t exactly see the man but as she looked at the woman intently, she was surprised to see herself.

Jackie woke up with a start. The dream was so vivid, she could even smell the roses. She went to the open window and look at the garden. Definitely, this house gives me the spooks! Maybe I should go back to Manila.

In Manila, her mom and dad were already preparing for a welcome back dinner. When they found out that Jackie would be returning in a few days time, they put no stops in preparing for the dinner party. Mr. and Mrs. Liu were of the singular agreement to invite Paolo, the artist they commissioned to do a painting of their house in Vigan.

Paolo was reluctant to accept the dinner invitation. Although it had been months since he finished the commissioned painting, he was unsurprised that the Liu’s invited him. He knew that Mr. and Mrs. Liu were very kind to include him in the invitation, but the truth was, he was still confused with what happened to him in Vigan. When he finished the commissioned painting, he was both glad and saddened with the outcome. He was glad that the Liu’s like the painting he did. He was not happy to leave the house, for even in dreams, he had a glimpsed on how loved must have felt.

As soon as Jackie arrived back in Manila, she went to the mall to do some shopping. I need a new dress for tonight’s dinner. While walking along the shopping mall, she happened to pass by an art gallery. She was mesmerized with the paintings exhibited there. Lush blooms of roses, roses and moonbeams, oddly enough, she somehow felt that the paintings were familiar, as if the every painting was bit a piece of a larger picture. She was so enamored with one of the paintings that she didn’t notice the man slowly approaching her.

Paolo just arrived at the art gallery where a couple of his most recent paintings were exhibited. His fellow artists, the curator and the gallery owner were quite surprised with the theme of his exhibit. Usually, Paolo painted people as subjects, but this time, most if not all of his paintings were of roses. Although Paolo deviated from his usual forte, his paintings were well received. In fact, a couple was already sold.

As he entered the gallery, he was caught unprepared to see a woman standing in front of one of his paintings. With long black hair almost brushing her waist, her slender build, she somehow resembled the woman of his dreams.

Feeling that someone is staring at her, Jackie turned and came face to face with the man she saw in her dream in her stay in Vigan. Mesmerized with each other, the two stared across each other as if they were the only people in the gallery.

“What are you doing here?” Paolo broke the silence.

“I’m here because I have to be here,” said Jackie. As if waking up from a dream, Jackie shook herself. “I saw the paintings, I was curious and decided to take a look.”

“I painted them.” Paolo said. I painted them with you as my inspiration, but how could you be here? You are just a figment of my dreams… and even if you are real, how could you look like the girl of my dreams?

“They’re really beautiful, but I have to go.” Jackie left the gallery with confused feelings. Paolo can only look after her.

The following night, the Lius celebrated Jackie’s successful trip abroad and her return from a well-deserved vacation in Vigan with dinner with some close relatives and friends. The couple noticed Jackie’s pre-occupation but shrugged it off. Knowing Jackie, they thought she might be itching to go back to work the following day.

The doorbell chimed announcing the arrival of another guest. Being nearer to the door, Jackie opened it. Standing at the other side of the door was no other than Paolo with a bouquet of red roses. Surprised, but deep in her heart, Jackie had been waiting for Paolo for the rest of her life. Seeing Paolo standing in front of her brought back the memories of her dream in Vigan.

Mesmerized, Paolo stood transfixed upon the vision of her dreams. When the Lius invited him to dinner, he accepted with reservation. The painting he did for the Lius was one of the best, if not the best commissioned painting he did. Now, his painting, his dreams all came alive in the flesh.

The situation was too much of a coincidence. Suddenly, from the inside, Jackie’s parents were ushering everyone to the living room for a surprise. Mr. Liu was holding a covered canvass.

‘Last month, while Jackie was in the States, I commissioned a painting of our old house in Vigan. My wife and I were fortunate that Paolo accommodated us to do this painting. Imagine our surprise when Paolo finished the painting in just under two weeks, what’s more, he also painted the likeness of my aguela so well. My daughter Jackie never met her great-grandmother. If she did, she would have met one of the most interesting people. More than that, she resembled my lola. So, in honor of my daughter’s successful trip abroad, we are presenting her with this painting. A painting of her lola that we believe, have they met, they are kindred spirits.”

As Mr. Liu took the cover off the canvass, everyone gasp as they saw the figure. A beautiful lady was depicted in the painting holding a bouquet of roses. As they turned towards Jackie, except for her modern clothes, she just looked exactly like the woman in the painting. Still holding Paolo’s bouquet of roses, she stepped forward to take a closer look at the painting. As she touched the canvass, a flitting memory kindled on her mind, the last words of her dreams. This is my legacy to you my child, a legacy of love. In your time, you will meet one person that is pure of heart. He is your soul mate. Love him, for he loves you already without knowing it.

Across the crowded room, her eyes locked with Paolo and knew that finally, love has come her way.

One Story

SUMMER OF CHANGE


“Pol! Pol! Come outside and let’s hang out!” cried Vicky. “Pol! Come on, the other kids are in the field now, they’re waiting for us!”

The big wooden door opened a crack and Pol’s sweating pale face appeared. His eyebags were hanging, his bangs plastered on his forehead and his ears red, with his thin mouth pouting, Pol snarled “I can’t…I can’t go out and play now. I have something more important to do today.”

Why not? It’s not hot yet!” Vicky insisted. “Are you sick?”
“No, I really can’t. Don’t be makulit. I’m going to the river with the boys.”
“Can I go too?”
“NO!” and Pol slammed the door.

What’s wrong with him?” Vicky said to herself as she moved away from Pol’s fenced bungalow house. “Fine. I’ll go and hang out with the other kids with or without Pol…”

School just closed a week ago and the kids of Sta. Monica were enjoying the summer vacation. Trips to the lagoon, swimming at the river, playing patintero in the ricefields, taguan at night, playing house at Mang Inggo’s mango tree, Pol and Vicky were inseparable not only in these days but since they were five years old when Pol moved in Sta. Monica and their family bought the house next to Vicky’s. It was Vicky who first befriended Pol by inviting him to come over her house and play with their dog Tagpi.

Pol was really looking forward to this summer because next school year, he would be a freshman student at St. Benedicts High School, and being a freshman would give him more freedom to go out with his friends to trips to the new mall outside of the town. Moreover, the EVENT that would change his boy life will happen two weeks from now. Pol felt a mixture of dread and excitement as that fated day drew near…he had heard different tales and received many advises from his cousins that had experienced this special event that would mark him as a man now.


“Do I really have to do this?” Pol asked his father after they had a long talk a week ago.
"But of course son! You’re not a sissy are you?” said Mr. Mendoza.
“I am not!” Pol said vehemently. “If the other boys would do it…I would too! But Tay, tell me why I should do it.”
“Pol, it’s a ritual among all males. If you don’t do it, you are not a man! And son, the circumcision is a healthy thing, more hygienic.”
“Why nga?” insisted Pol.
“Pol, in a week’s time, Mang Inggo will sharpen his balisong and will cut off that foreskin of yours, and stop this asking. You will be circumcised because all the Mendozas are circumcised!”

“But why should I wear a skirt after that? I would look silly in a dress, and if I wear that, wouldn’t that make me a sissy?”

Exasperated, Mr. Mendoza explained once more that the skirt should only be worn for a week until the wound has healed. “You shall be wearing a skirt so that you can move around with ease. Okay? Now go out and play, and don’t disturb me anymore with your silly questions.”


“Father said I should be circumcised next week.” Pol confided to Vicky right after his talk with his father.

“What’s circum? Circum what?” Vicky asked.

“Circumcision dummy! Tuli! You know, every boy has to do it to prove they are ready to be a man!” croaked Pol.

“But you are still a boy Pol. Even if you do whachamacallit to your uh, you are still a boy, skinny, lame and stupid. Why, would you now grow a mustache just like Mang Indo?” snickered Vicky. “ or you’ll court girls just like my Kuya Ramon?”

“Court girls! Yuuuuuuuuck! You know I don’t like girls, they’re gross!”

“POL! I am a girl!” Vicky said indignantly.

“You are? Uh, I never noticed. But you are different…”

“How different…by the way, why are you croaking?”

“You have so many questions…”

“and what’s that on your lip? Looks like you’re growing a moustache!”

“Basta! Come on, let’s go to the field, the gang must be there!”

While walking to the field, Pol noticed some blood trickling down Vicky’s legs. “Oh my God Vicky you’re wounded! There’s blood on your legs! Are you hurt?” Pol exclaimed in a rush, worried that Vicky was somehow hurt. Vicky looked down on her legs and realized that something was indeed happening to her. Confused, she ran all the way home leaving Pol staring after her.

“So Pol, that’s the reason why I cannot play with you anymore…” said Vicky.
“What? Why not?”
“Coz am a lady now… I cannot run with you guys and play patintero. I have to be prim and proper. Of course you can always visit me here…”
“That’s no fun Vicky…”
“Well, I guess in time Pol you would understand…”
“Yeah right…”
“Isn’t it true that you will be circumcised next week? You just told me that once you are circumcised, you become a man…same thing with me…”
“But that’s next week pa. Can’t we play now?”
“Sorry…in a few weeks time, we will not be playing anymore. We will do other grown-up things…”
“Come on Vicky, why are you acting like this?”
“Pol, you would understand…ok?”
“Bahala ka!”

Pol went home more confused than ever. Would I be different whether I’m circumcised or not? Will my relationship with Vicky changed just because she had her period and I would be circumcised? On the night before the operation, Pol was having some doubts. Maybe I am going to get sick tomorrow…prayed Pol the night of his operation. I don’t think I can make it alive tomorrow.

The following day, Tito, Mang Inggo’s assistant was at the river with the boys instructing them about the operation.
“You have to be immersed in the river for more than an hour,” instructed Tito.
“Why? I would get goose bumps staying that long in the river!”
“Well, you have to! You have to stay there that long to soften the foreskin, ok? Then, as soon as you are ready, get off the river, dry yourself. Chew a handful of guava leaves…then, go to Mang Inggo. Are you guys ready now?”
A murmur of yes, and some looked really afraid.
“Guys! It’s just like an ant biting you! Come on! Off to the river with you!”
After an hour, Pol and the rest of the boys decided that it was time. They would rather do it together or not at all. At the sight of the boys entering his backyard, Mang Inggo went down to the chopping board and started lathering his balisong knife.
“Quit pushing around!” shushed Mang Inggo. “Who wants to go first?”
“Come on! I don’t have all day!”
I have to get this over with. Okay, I’ll be the first one, thought Pol.
“Okay, I’ll do it first,” volunteered Nito.

Blood. If there was anything that Pol remembered before he passed out was, there was really a lot of blood. He was all prepped to be the first one when Nito volunteered. He was now so nervous. Agonizingly, he waited until he heard the whack of Mang Inggo’s knife and Nito’s scream. Sweat poured down his face and armpits. And when it was his turn, standing there in front of Mang Inggo with his crooked grin, Pol’s clammy hand shakingly held his penis. Mang Inggo harshly commanded Pol to pull out the foreskin. Mang Inggo inserted a bit of bamboo stick between, and said, “When I said spit, spit out the guava leaves, ok?”
WHAM!
Spit!
WHAM!
Blood!
Pol saw stars before he passed out.

Fortunately, it wasn’t only him who passed out. A few minutes or so, Pol and the rest of the boys limpingly jumped to the river to clean their wound.
“Aint it nice boys!” Tito said jokingly, “you have to take good care of your junior now… bathe it everyday with boiled guava leaves and dress it up! And remember! Wear a skirt until it heals ok?”

“Pol! Pol! Come out now and accompany me to the market please!”
Pol’s sweated face peered from behind the door, “I can’t”
“Why not? Yesterday, you stood me up! You would rather hang out with the boys at the river”
“I had an operation...”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t know that...”
“Of course you don’t! You were busy with your girl friends!”
“Well, we have lots of things to do...”
“Go away!”
“I won’t. What was your operation?”
“I was circumcised, remember?”
“Can I see? Can I see?”
“Vicky!”
“Come on, just a little peep. Please?”
“Moooooooooooooom! Vicky won’t go away!”
“Shush. Crybaby!”
“Oh My God!!!! Pol’s wearing a skirt!”

Pol slammed the door shut and cried.

4 posts in 2005

ang weird ko naman. aapat na post in 2005? shucks, eh pagtingin ko sa archive, sabi ko bakit may new year new beginning na title, yun pala, kakaunti lang pala posts ko.

sobrang busy kasi sa pagpapakagaga sa isang lalaki ng walang ginawa kundi lokohin ako.

sabagay, kung hindi naman ako papaloko, di ako lolokohin di ba?

eh ok lang naman sa akin eh.

no hard feelings kasi ENJOY naman ako habang niloloko ako.

oh di ba, sadista?

di naman, kasi nga, di naman ako nasasaktan.

i enjoyed being needed. (ows?)

he he he, gaga talaga ako.

Ang Tagal

It has been almost five months since I last wrote here.

So much has changed.

I have changed.

May mga taong nawala... at nawala at umalis.

Bakit ganoon? Most of my friends are now abroad. Ayaw nyo ba dito sa Pilipinas?

My Love

Love for me is not just a word it’s a quest. Since I became aware of this emotion, I longed for this wonderful thing to happen to me. I envy the people around me who have found the meaning and experienced love.

Love, according to those who experienced it, makes the world more beautiful. I don’t understand. I don’t seem to get it. Why would things be different if one is in love?

I have been in and out of relationships in the past, thinking that by trial and error I would learn what love is, experience the wonderful feeling of love and being in love. Alas, to no avail. Love has been elusive. I am impatient to really know and understand love.

And then I met you…

Now I know how it is to be in love and what is love. Now I understand.

You see, love is a secret shared by those who have been fortunate to be loved. And yes, I have been touched. Thank you for touching me.

Complete

Dear Honey,

i just dont know where to start. i just finished my event and here i am sitting infront of a rented PC to email you. it's now 6:15pm. i know that there's a five hour time difference between our zones.

so where do i start?

should i tell you that i am so lucky to have met you? should i tell you that, for once in my life, i can say that now i look forward to waking each morning to read your messages? that i am as eager to fall asleep so i can dream of you in my mind?

should i tell you that despite our recent commitment, ive felt that i have already known you and been committed to you, even before i met you?

should i tell you how you make me smile with your morning greetings? or how you can make me cry with your loving words? no one has shown how much i am loved than you.

it's as if i have known you even before i met you. with you, im a person.

through your faith, i believe in myself more.

through your eyes, i see the beauty that i am.

through your words, i feel that i will never be alone.

distance, time, age, are now just mere words for nothing could and would change the fact that we have touched each other, that you touched me and i discovered my soul.

i love you like i never know that i could love this way.

i love you like i never realized that i am capable of selfless abandonment.

i love you with the promise that i will wait and i will trust you.

i love you but saying it is not enough to express my gratitude for making me realize that there is indeed love and it could happen.

even if this is just but a dream, and i wake up, i would gladly live each day in the memory and the warmth of this dream.

but this is not a dream and you are real.

there are no challenges, nor boundaries because you accepted me for who i am.

you make me glow, and feel warth,

and most of all, you make me happy.

i have never been happy.

with all my heart and soul,

jay

Love is My Decision

This was written about seven years ago. Honey, I already made a decision...

***

I always believe that when you love someone, you should never ever be ashamed to tell that someone how you feel. Love is not something that should be treasured deep in our hearts but something to be expressed, to be shared with someone.I haven't really been in love, so I am looking forward to experiencing it. I am apprehensive about the pain, and I am afraid. That's the truth but knowing that despite the risks of being hurt and being rejected I would still like to experience how it is to love. You know, having the little things like waking up each morning knowing that your loved and love in return. Cliches would be our reality... the sun is brighter, flowers more fragrant... *sigh* I look forward to seeing the moon rise and stargaze in the arms of someone I love,and wake up with his eyes lovingly looking into mine. Cooking together, walking in the park together...even arguing would be so much fun, specially the kiss and make-up part. But that would be in the future pa... when the person I am supposed to love will bump into me and the realization that we are meant for each other would dawn into our eyes, and knowing each other and discovering ourselves would be an adventure from that day forth...I cannot tell you if its wonderful, but deep in my heart, among all emotions, love must be the most profound, the most exquisite. I would like to discover why people make fools of themselves. Why I cannot blame a friend for being stupid - because that's love. I don't have the authority yet to judge because I haven't been in love, that's why I envy those people who experienced love.I would always maintain the belief that love, the idea and the emotion, is a decision. And I am looking forward to making that decision.

***
This is for you HONEY!!!!

An Old Letter About Love

This letter is dated April 1998. Amee is my best friend since then. I happen to open a file of old old letters and I saw this one. What I said to Amee is still true for me now. Amee is now happily married and is expecting to give birth next year.

Thursday, April 02, 1998 2:54 AM

Amee,

Just finished writing Khel a letter. Ewan ko ba, pero kanina pa ako antok na antok, kagigising ko lang ulit. First off, my response to your letter. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay. That’s a natural reaction. I really think you handled the situation very well. Saludo ako sa iyo kid!

This letter carries two points. The first one, never ever close your door to love, if you do, at least leave the window open. Don’t let this experience ruin your chance to true happiness. Yeah right, you’ve been through a lot with him but have you ever stop and consider that because of this experience, you changed. You are a stronger person. You are different. You are not a lovesick puppy anymore nor a teenager clamoring for some guy’s attention. Remember, you have loved, and that’s the most wonderful experience in the whole world. In fact, I could say you’re lucky! Because of this experience, you can get to know what love is. And the next time love comes along, at least you already know what you’re getting into. You can at least say to yourself and be proud, I know how to love! Love then would be something sweeter and better. Never deprive yourself of the happiness that’s rightfully yours. Sure you’ve been hurt, but being hurt prepares you to experience, to appreciate the better things in life. At least ngayon, alam mo na!

Next point, I think (and I do believe) that you do love yourself. Never could you have loved another person unless you love yourself first. You might not now it, but your love for him is a reflection of your love for yourself. You might ask yourself, why do I love him so much? Because, in a way, this is your expression of loving yourself. Think about it. He loves music the same kind as you, he’s into guitar, you like to be into that too. You can never have loved him unless there’s something in him that doesn’t reflect your love for yourself. Believe me when I say, you see something you in him, that’s why you loved him.

On my part, believe me when I told you that I really don’t know who I am. That’s right, what I told you in the stockroom is all truth. But it is something I rather not talk about. At this stage, feeling ko, wala akong mafeel. I just want to go with the flow. Indifferent. Eventually, I’ll change. I just don’t know yet kung anong direction. I would like to sincerely thank you sa pagtitiyaga. Sana someday, I’ll be as strong as you are. I’ll be able to stand and stay, this is me. Accept me for who I am. I am proud of myself.

Bye na.

Inaantok uli ako.

Hirayamanawari,

Jay Ruiz

Ramblings from the past

An Open Letter to My Future Lover (Please read on, it might be YOU)

Dear Future Lover:

I am writing you this open letter to speed up the process of you finding me and vice versa. Last October, I wrote a post expressing my desire to find Mr. Right. Here’s an excerpt of my post to refresh your memory:

Is it right to find Mr. Right? Mr. Right, that one person that just feel right for me; the one person who complements me, The One (both t and o in capital!), HIM! Since I was aware that I need somebody else to somehow “complete” me, I have been longing for someone to be my special someone. And one thing I learned since then, longing hurts. It hurts to feel the emptiness of your heart that no matter what you do, you could not just fill it up. It pains to realize that after all the search, there is still the void of emptiness. I haven’t met the one; the someone that would make my life different. I have tried going out for dates, meeting new people. I have been used, abused, manipulated and terribly hurt, only because I thought that if I only give-in, I will have Mr. Right.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect; I am looking for Mr. Right. Someone once said to me that I live in a fairy tale. That although I have a good grasp of what I want, I might have overlooked the fact I might be too idealistic in my search for Mr. Right. That in reality, there is no knight in shining armor or Prince Charming; that the frog, when kissed will just remain a frog. But I am not looking for Prince Charming but for Mr. Right. Mr. Right for me is someone who, unabashedly, will sing me a song or recite to me a poem he had written. He isn’t necessarily good looking but pleasantly clean and neat. He is confident, and supportive, understanding and romantic. He is adventurous, encouraging me to try new things and discover new activities. Sometimes, he is quiet, preferring a night on the bed, talking or holding hands at the movies. He would enjoy going to the beach once in a while and with me, wait for the sun to set, the moon and stars to come out, sleep on the sand with the waves of the sea lulling us to sleep only to be awakened by the sunrise. An evening where he will cook pasta and set the table with candles and have dessert while listening to Josh Groban’s version of “Broken Vow” would just be right. We could have the same taste in music, food, books; or not. He can be very complicated, and I would cherish every moment in my life I’m sharing with him understanding his complexity. He could be simple and I would enjoy every moment of simple life, as long as it’s with him. I’ll share with him every thought, dreams and aspirations I have. He could be of my age, or older. He could be all of the above… or not, again, I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect or Prince Charming, just the one, someone who would feel right to me. I hope that sooner or later, I would bump into him, look into his eyes, the world will stop for a second, all the bells will ring and realized that at long last, I met Mr. Right.

For those who have qualms if indeed I wrote the above piece, I guarantee you that I did. The above post shall be coming out in a magazine next year with my real name at the byline. After this post came out, I received lots of e-mails and text messages. There was even one guy who unashamedly copied my post and put his number instead. For those who responded, my thanks to you. Unfortunately, you and I realized that you are not my Mr. Right neither am I yours. I appreciate the lessons and wisdom I learned in meeting you guys.

Anyway, you might have read the post or not, you might be busy such that you didn’t respond through e-mail nor sent me a text message nor called me. But if you are reading this post and have already read this far, you are interested, right?

I just watched Cameron Diaz’ “The Sweetest Thing” last night. What struck me most was the realization that however long one played on being a single, one realizes that there is a right time to say to oneself “yes, I’m ready to be with my special someone, yes, I’m ready to quit the game.” That yes, I am tired of the ritual and I am ready to settle down and be with my special someone. I am saying all these things now.

I don’t want to start my new life next year on pretensions. Yes, I am not goodlooking. Yes, I am not your fantasy. I’ll tell you who I am. I am just a simple guy. I may be childish at times, sensitive, with a streak of jealousy on the side. These may be my faults, at least, these prove I’m not a figment of the imagination and that I am human. I am capable of loving and caring for someone. I have so much love to give and I want to give it to someone. I already love myself. I have accepted myself for what I am. That’s why I am so much ready to give love to someone else.

Mali Ba Ang Magmahal?

Minsan lang ako magmahal... pero kapag nagmahal ako, mas mahal ko pa siya kaysa sa sarili ko. Tinanggap ko naman na magkaiba kami. Tinanggap ko rin siya ng buong puso. Minahal ko siya ng tapat.

Ako kaya, kailan nya ako mamahalin din ng tapat?

grrrrrr! my celfone was stolen!

i dunno how to react. it's as if my whole world was wiped clean and i have to start over. Its Nokia 3660 and its barely a month old. tsk tsk tsk. what can i do? blame my stupidity for putting down my clutch bag for a second? i lost my wallet, my IDs, my credit card and my celfone!!!!!!!

Birthday Blues

Geeeeeeesh, it has bgeen what, three weeks since my birthday, nuthin CHANGED!!!! Awww shit.

here's a story i wrote about my bf. course i fictionalized it but the emotions are real. read on...

CLOSURE

“Lynn! Wake up!”

Lynn stared at the concerned face of her best friend Erica uncomprehendingly. She had been crying for over an hour and Erica had been consoling her ever since she arrived at her house. Erica had been worried when she got a call from Lynn telling her to come over. Lynn had been sobbing and incoherent over the phone. When Erica arrived, Lynn just burst into tears. She was too distraught to talk and all she could do was cry.

“Is it Josh? Did he hurt you? What did he do to you?” Erica demanded. She checked Lynn’s face, arms and legs for bruises. “If I know Josh, he hurt you didn’t he?”

“No he didn’t. Josh would never hurt me physically,” stammered Lynn. “Yeah right, he wouldn’t hurt you physically but mentally and emotionally, he has been bruising you. How long could you take his abuse?” countered Erica.

“I love him… more than I love myself!” Lynn simply declared. “Stupid love! What has it brought you? Misery instead of happiness! You don’t even know yourself anymore!” shouted Erica.

“I was happy once…”

***
Lynn met Josh in an advertising agency. She was applying as a copywriter and Josh was already employed in the agency as a marketing executive. She didn’t actually like the agency. It was a very small company; the salary offered to her was way below from what she received from her last employment. She was ready to turn down the offer when Josh came in the room where she was being interviewed to get something. Their eyes met, and for the first time, Lynn experienced a jolt of electricity. Josh held Lynn’s eyes for seven seconds but for Lynn it was a lifetime. She knew that deep inside her heart, she is destined to be with this man.

The interviewer didn’t notice the exchange between the two but noticed Josh inside the room. Josh, being naturally friendly, came over and introduced himself. “Hi! I’m Joshua Martinez. I hope you’ll accept the job ‘coz we badly need a good writer!”

After chit-chatting for a while, Joshua left them to conclude their interview. Maybe it was Josh’s friendly approached that finally decided her to accept the job, maybe it was more.

***
“Were you really happy? Josh has been using you and you blindly allowed yourself to be used” continued Erica.

“He loves me” defended Lynn. “Yes, he loves you the same way he loves the other girls in his life. Can’t you get it through your head that Josh has been cheating on you from the beginning?”

“He made me happy…”

***
Lynn started her job at the agency as a copywriter. She interacts with the marketing executives to fulfill the creative requirements of their clients. She found herself relating with Josh more often compared to the other marketing executives. She don’t know if Josh constantly talked to her because of the job requirements of their clients but sometimes, she found herself talking with Josh about non-work related matters. Josh often took his lunch with Lynn, and sometimes, waited for Lynn before going home.

Lynn had never had a boyfriend her entire life. Despite her innate charm and beauty, she never entertained suitors when she was in college. She was very serious finishing her course that she graduated cum laude from the state university. Her parents thought that now that she finished college, she would allow herself to fall in love but Lynn was as workaholic as she was when she was studying. Suitors gave up on her until one by one; no one was patient enough to wait for her. For Lynn, it wasn’t really a great lost. She enjoyed her independence and was happy pursuing her career, until Josh came along.

***
“You’re an intelligent woman! How can you be so stupid when it comes to love?” continued Erica.

Lynn didn’t know how to answer her friend’s accusations. Was it because she truly loves Josh she could turn a blind eye to his foolishness? Or was it because she believes she’s giving herself a chance to experience being in a relationship?

***
A month working with Josh; Lynn felt different. She felt more alive than before. She looked forward to coming to the office and seeing Josh. She enjoyed having lunch and coffee breaks with him. Whenever Josh was out of the office for client calls, she missed him. On the other hand, Josh was showering her with attention different from their officemates. He constantly forwarded Lynn text messages every morning and never fails to call her up at night.

Lynn, unused to falling in love, found herself falling for Josh. They were working together two months already when Josh invited Lynn for dinner. Lynn thought it was just another friendly eat-out when Josh took her to a romantic restaurant in Intramuros. After dinner, they took a walk along the breakwaters of Roxas Blvd. when Josh suddenly asked Lynn what she felt for him. Speechless, Lynn was caught surprised with this sudden though unexpected question. Lynn was dreaming of this to happen for weeks and now that she was confronted with it, she didn’t know how to respond. For once, her being a writer failed her to put words in answer to Josh’s question.

Josh took Lynn’s hand and declared, “Lynn, you have been special to me. The first time I had laid eyes on you, I knew that we are destined to be together. Will you be my girl?” With stars in her eyes, Lynn said yes.

***
“He courted you but behind your back, he already has a girlfriend! He has been fooling you all along! How could you be so blind?” berated Erica.

Maybe because I was so lonely I wanted someone to love me, thought Lynn to herself. Maybe because I was really stupid I was blinded by his sweetness, his caring. Did he really love me?

***
Their first month as a couple was the happiest for Lynn. She was more inspired and it showed in her work. Her boss commended her with her progress in work, her family noticed her glow. She thought that theirs was a perfect relationship. She could have given everything to Josh for Josh made her happy. On their third month anniversary, she gave him the greatest gift she could give, her expression of love.

A few days after that very intimate night, Lynn noticed Josh slightly change. He forgot to call her at night and sometimes never sent her text messages. In the office, he was constantly out for client calls. Thinking that this was just normal, that Josh was just busy with work, Lynn never made an issue out of it.

One ordinary day, Lynn received a text message from Josh. It read: “Honey, I miss you so much, I am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I love you.” Lynn knew the message is not for her. She was never “honey” to Josh. Josh called her “baby”, that’s what they call each other. They don’t have a date tomorrow, they have a date tonight.

Lynn felt her world fall apart. Finally, she began to understand Josh peculiar behavior. Why he never invited her to his house, why he never introduced her to his friends. Why sometimes, when she asked him about the person constantly calling his cellular phone, he ignored her and changed the topic immediately.

She confronted him that very night but he denied it. Josh said that the message was intentionally sent to her just to see how she would react. Maybe because Lynn loved him so much, she believed. After that incident, Josh was extra sweet and caring with her.

On Valentine’s eve, Lynn received two text messages from Josh. The messages were identical except for the first words of each message. In the first message, it was “Baby, I am happy to have you this Valentine’s Day.” On the second message, it read “Honey, I am happy to have you this Valentine’s Day.”

Lynn didn’t know how to react to this anymore. She just felt tired, emotionally empty. She found herself dialing the phone and asking her best friend Erica to come to her house.

***
“Lynn! Wake up from this foolishness! You have to love yourself more than you love Josh. He has been fooling you from the beginning! Wake up!” Erica begged her friend.

“I really love Josh and it’s hard to let him go. I gave him my life, I gave him everything. But you are right. I have to let him go. I don’t want to, but I have to…I have to move on. Tomorrow may be difficult; I have to learn to love myself. I will have to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful for me. I have to let go of the anger and bitterness this experience has brought me. I have to love myself, for my sake, and for the sake of my unborn baby” Lynn finally resolved.

The Men of My Life

Some erotic stories i wrote. he he he

MGA LALAKE SA BUHAY KO – SI CHRIS Part 1
Jay Ruiz (jayruiz27@yahoo.com)
Karapatang-ari ng may-akda 2004
July 12, 2004

Ang sarap mangarap minsan… yun bang iisipin mo na isang araw, darating ang iyong Prince Charming and he will sweep you off your feet. Syempre, pangarap lang yun. Kumbaga, daydreaming. Minsan, ang sarap din magbasa ng mga kwentong, kahit alam mo na hindi totoo, babasahin mo pa rin kasi kikiligin ka, matatawa, matutuwa na kahit sa kwento lang, pwede palang maging masaya ang mga tulad natin. Na sa isang lalaki nagkakagusto sa kapwa lalaki, may katapat na Prince Charming. Sana maramdaman nyo ito sa kwento ko.

Ang kwento kong ito, ay hango sa totoong buhay, dahil naniniwala ako na sa mundong ating ginagalawan ngayon, mas masarap isipin na kahit papaano, may fairy tale pa rin. Maraming maganda pa rin ang pwedeng mangyari, dreams can still come true. Although syempre hindi katulad ng mga kwentong Cinderella, Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. Malamang sa hindi, parang buhay ni Shrek, hindi man perpekto, masaya pa rin.

***

Ako si Jay, 27 years old, lumaki at nagkaisip dito sa Maynila. Maniwala kayo sa hindi, bata pa lang ako, alam ko na iba ako. May kung anong init akong nararamdaman sa mga kuya ng mga kaklase ko, sa mga pinsang kong lalake, sa mga titser kong lalake, mga tiyuhin kong lalake, mga kalaro kong lalake. At nang lumaon at medyo nagbibinata na, nabaling ang init na nararamdaman ko sa mga kaklase kong may kakisigan, yun mga kasing-edad ko na. Pero dahil sa lumaki ako sa tradisyonal na pamilya (anim ang kapatid kong puro lalaki at ang ama ko ay istrikto), hindi pwedeng kekendeng-kendeng. Kung gaano kaaga ko nalaman na iba ako, ganoon kaaga ko rin natutunang magtago.

Umusad ang panahon, lumaki akong makisig at matalino dahil sinubsob ko ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral. Di pwedeng makipagkilala sa mga katulad ko, baka malaman sa bahay at mabugbog ako ng tatay ko at mga kuya. Dahil na rin siguro sa pagtanaw ng utang ng loob sa aking pamilya, ayaw kong gumawa ng bagay na ikahihiya or ikagagalit nila. Kaya hayan, napaka-boring ng buhay ko hanggang sa ako ay magkatrabaho.

***
2004

Nakabukas ang yahoo messenger ko sa computer ng isang araw ay may nag-private message sa akin. Kadalasan, sa yahoo messenger kami nag-uusap ng mga kaklase ko nung college na nasa states na ngayon. Dahil may ineexpect din naman talaga akong message, kahit busy sa ginagawang report, tiningnan ko kung sino at ano yung message:

“Hi Jay! Kamusta ka na!” sabi ng message. Tiningnan ko kung kanino nanggaling pero hindi ko kilala. Unlike me na ang yahoo id eh ang buong pangalan at idad (jayruiz27), ang nag-private sa akin ay nakatago sa pangalang di pamilyar sa akin, poppet75.

“Mabuti naman ako, who are you?” sagot ko. “Kilala mo ko pero mas kilala kita.” Hala, may kabarkada na naman ako na nanloloko sa akin. Kahit busy ako, pinatulan ko na rin. “Talaga? Sige nga, sino ako.” Nakakabigla ang sinagot nya dahil detalyado. “Ikaw si Jay Ruiz, 27 years old, taga-Malate. Ang height mo, 5’6, moreno ka, nakasalamin, malinis kang tingnan kasi hindi ka nagkakapimples, slim, maganda ang kilay mo parang inahit, medyo kulot ang buhok mo.”

Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o maiinis. Ano ba to, lokohan? “Mmmm, may mali na sa impormasyon mo” sagot ko, “Hindi na ko nagsasalamin, naka-contact lens na ko tsaka hindi na rin ako payat, medyo tumaba na ko. Di na rin ako taga-Malate, sa Pasig na ko nakatira.” Hayan, loko ka, kala mo kilala mo ko ha.

“I give up, marami na pala akong hindi alam sa yo. Mahilig ka pa rin bang magbasa ng libro? Kumain ng pasta? Manood ng sine? Mamasyal sa park? Magmuni-muni sa beach? Magbilang ng bituin sa langit? Manood ng paglubog ng araw? Matulog kapag umuulan? Kumain ng lugaw, chocolates or black forest cake pag nalulungkot? Magsulat ng mga poems at kwento?”

Nagulat talaga ako, sino ba itong kausap ko? Imposibleng kabarkada ko kasi nga mali yung description nya sa akin kanina, pero yung mga personal ng gusto kong gawin, tama siya. Pwedeng kakilala ko ito noon pero hindi na ngayon. “Sino ka ba talaga? Wala akong panahong makipaglokohan, busy ako.”

“Ikaw naman Jay, pikon pa rin katulad ng dati. Si Chris to, remember, bestfriend mo noong high school. Grabe ka kasi eh, ang dali mo palang matrace, napaka-straightforward kasi ng yahoo ID mo kaya alam ko na ikaw yan.”

Si Chris.

Putcha ka! After ten years, saka ka uli magpaparamdam! Si Chris na best friend ko noong high school, na after graduation eh biglang naglahong parang bula. Si Chris na pinagpantasyahan ko noong high school pero dahil sa magkaibigan kami at ayaw kong masira ang pagkakaibigan namin eh wala akong ginawa. Si Chris na iniyakan ko ng sabihin sa akin noong 2nd year kami na may girlfriend na. Si Chris na noong una kong nakita eh tmibok for the first time ang puso ko. Si Chris na basketball player na tuwing may laro, ako ang taga-punas ng pawis. Si Chris na CAT officer, na ni minsan hindi ako pinahirapan sa CAT. Si Chris na binotong JS Prom King dahil sa angking kagwapuhan at kakisigan. Si Chris. Si Chris na una at tangi kong minahal. Si best friend Chris. Putsa naman oh! Ngayon na nakalimutan na kita, bakit para kang kabuti na nagbalik?

“Hello bespren? Natahimik ka? Huy, sumagot ka naman. Naka-online ka pa alam ko kaya huy, pansinin mo naman ako.”

Nanginginig ang kamay ko. Halos hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Kahit bestfriend ang turingan namin noong high school, pinagkaingat-ingatan kong malaman nya na minahal ko siya.

“Ah eh andito pa ko. Alis muna ko ha, tawag ako ng boss ko” taranta kong sagot. Hindi ko na hinintay ang reply nya. Naglog-off na ko.

Geeesh, bakit ganito ang epekto ng mokong na ito sa akin? After ten years, ngayon lang ulit nagparamdam at sa internet pa! Namputsa namang puso ito, parang thirteen years old ulit at ang bilis ng tibok.

***
1989

First year high school. Hay, excited ako pumasok noon kasi nga high school na. Hindi na ko totoy at bagong tuli na ko noong summer. Binata na. Tsaka bagong mukha ang makakasalamuha ko. Dasal ako ng dasal, please Lord, sana may maging kaklase akong gwapo para mainspired ako mag-aral. Galing sa public school at ngayon, nasa private school na. Siguro naman maraming gwapo dito dahil private school na ito. Sa pila ko unang nakita si Chris. Siguro hindi lang ako ang unang nakapansin sa kanya, maraming girls ang nakatingin. Matangkad si Chris, medyo maputi at makisig. Kahit naka-uniporme kami, iba ang dating nya. Haaaaaaaay, buo na ang araw at ang taon ko, may inspirasyo na ako. Wish-wish ulit ako na sana, magkatabi kami at dininig naman ang wish-wish ko. Magkasunod kasi ang apelyido namin. Raymundo siya, Ruiz ako. Bongga! Kahit tagong-tago ang feelings ko, ang tindi ng tibok ng puso ko. Kilig na kilig ako. Magkasunod kami sa pila at pagpasok sa classroom, magkatabi kami kasi alphabetical ang seating arrangement.

Ang ganda-ganda ng ngiti nya, nakakatunaw. At ang bang- bango nya, kulang na lang amuy-amuyin ko siya. Mabait si Chris, makwento kaya nakahulugan ko siya ng loob at naging magkaibigan kami. Sa mga school projects at activities, lagi kaming magkasama. Hindi pwedeng kasama ako at hindi kasama si Chris or vice versa. Given na pag ininvite si Chris, invited din ako. Kaya nga kahit binago na ang seating arrangement at free seating na, tabi pa rin kami.

Malambing si Chris, maasikaso at hindi nya papayagang may manloko sa akin. Kahit medyo nahahalata na ako dahil tinutukso na kami ng mga kaklase namin at ako daw si Mrs. Chris Raymundo (na okay lang naman sa akin), sya pa rin ang unang nagtatanggol. Pinagtibay ng apat na taon sa high school ang pagkakaibigan namin. At habang lumalaon, mas lalong nabubuhos ang loob ko kay bespren Chris.

1993

Graduation ball. Magkasabay kaming dumating ni Chris sa party kasama ang ibang mga kaibigan. Masaya na malungkot ang graduation dahil magcocollege na kami at the same time, magkakahiwalay-hiwalay na. Magmemedicine si Chris at ako naman ay journalism. Masaya ang grad ball, marahil siguro dahil ito na ang last day na magkakasama ang lahat.

Naisip ko na by hook or by crook, masabi ko kay Chris ang nararamdaman ko. Di bale ng mareject, basta masabi ko lang ang nararamdaman ko. Ang hirap. Apat na taon kong itinago at talagang hindi ko na kaya. Kapag minsan naglolokohan kami at sinasabihan ako ni Chris na “love you pare” o di kaya “pare pa-kiss”, gusto kong totohanin pero alam ko na biro lang yun. Kapag inaakbayan nya ako tuwing naglalakad kami o di kaya ay ang paghahatid nya sa kin sa sakayan bago sya tumawid para sumakay sa sakayan nya. Feeling ko, girl na girl ako. Medyo nabawasan lang ang closeness namin ng magka-girlfriend siya pero hindi rin sila nagtagal. Masyado daw selosa yung girl at pati ako pinagseselosan. Sus, kung alam lang ni Chris na dapat lang magduda yung girl no!

Sa grad ball, sige ang sayawan, kainan pero bitin kaya nagkayayaan pa ang barkada na pumunta sa singalong bar na malapit lang sa school. Mag-aalas-dos pasado na ng magkaayaang umuwi. Dahil madaling araw na, sa bahay ko na lang niyayang matulog si Chris, tutal kilala na naman siya sa bahay at ganun din naman ako sa kanila. Malakas ang tama ng alak kay Chris kaya pagdating sa bahay, diretso agad sa kama ko at plakdang natulog. Hindi man lang nakuhang maghubad ng sapatos.

Buong giliw kong tinitigan si Chris. Ang maamo nyang mukha, ang manipis at mapula nyang labi, ang matangos na ilong. Haaay, sarap halikan. Buong pagsuyo kong hinaplos ang kanyang psngi at medyo gumalaw siya ngunit hindi nagising. Gusto kong maging komportable ang kanyang pagtulog kaya nagpalit na ako ng damit at para siya naman ang maasikaso ko.

Hinubad ko ang sapatos nya at medyas. Tiningnan ko siya ng matiim bago ko binuksan isa-isa ang butones ng kanyang polo. Madalas ko ng nakikita si Chris na nakahubad baro at minsan naka-brief pero ngayon ko lang siya pwedeng pagsawaang tingnan. Noon, pero panakaw lang pero ngayon, solong-solo ko siya. Ang ganda ng katawan ng mahal ko. Matipuno ang dibdib, halatang banast sa trabaho. Ang tigas ng mga bisig. Makinis. May kaunting balahibo sa bandang pusod pababa sa kung ano man ang natatakpan ng pantalon. Napalunok ako. Nag-iinit ako sa tanawin na aking nakikita. Ang mahal ko, mahimbing na natutulog. Parang baby. Kinuha ko ang basang bimpo at dahan-dahan ko siyang pinunasan. Sa mukha, sa leeg, sa balikat, sa kili-kili nya na pinamumugaran ng magandang tubo ng buhok, sa dibdib, pababa sa pusod. Hindi ko alam kung narararamdaman ni Chris ang ginagawa ko. Siguro ay nasasarapan siya dahil medyo umungol siya. Hindi na ako nakatitiis at binaba ko na rin ang kanyang pantalon.

Tanging puting brief na lang ang tumatakip sa kahubdan ng aking minamahal. Pinunasan ko na rin ang kanyang paa, pataas sa binti at hita. Dahan-dahan kong hinaplos ang kanyang singit at kung may parang kung-anong pwersa ang nag-uudyok sa akin na hawakan ko rin ang nakahimlay nyang alaga.

Excited, takot, nerbyos, umayos ako ng pwesto para hindi magising si Chris. At habang tulog siya, sinabi kong “Mahal na mahal kita bespren. Gagawin ko ito dahil gusto kong maramdaman ang sarap mo. Wala akong lakas na sabihin ito o gawin ito kung ikaw ay gising…” at yun na, unti-unti kong hinaikan and medyo nakabukas nyang labi.

First kiss ko siya. Matamis kahit medyo amoy-alak. Malambot ang kanyang mga labi. Hindi siya nagrereact kaya ninamnam ko ang paghalik sa kanya. Feeling ko, halik pa lang, nasa langit na ako. Biruin mo, nahalikan ko na ang taong pinakamamahal ko.

Nang magsawa na ako sa paghalik sa kanya ay gumapang na ako pababa. Hinalikan ko ang kanyang leeg papunta sa kanyang dibdib. Mamula-mula ang mga utong ni Chris at ito’y hinalikan ko rin. Sinuso ko ang kanang utong nya hanggang sa tumigas ito. Umungol si Chris at akala ko ay nagising ngunit hindi naman siya nagmulat ng mata. Sinuso ko ang kaliwang utong niya habang ang aking kamay ay dumadako sa kanyang harap.

Hindi na ko nakatitiis. Hinimas-himas ko ang kanyang alaga na noo’y malambot pa. Kahit malambot, malaki na ito at mataba. Sige pa rin ako sa pagsupsop sa kanyang utong at paghimas sa unti-unti nyang tumitigas na alaga. Padausdos akong humalik papunta sa kanyang pusod, pababa sa itinatago ng kanyang brief. Inamoy-amoy ko muna ito. Mabango. Waring gusto kong tumatak sa isip ko ang amoy at hugis niyon bago ko dahan-dahanh ibinaba ang kanyang brief.

Napatitig ako sa kanyang alaga. Matigas na ito. Maganda ang hugis at hubog nito. Halos walang ugat na makikita at manipis lang ang mga bulbol na nakapalgid dito. Hinawakan ko ito at akoy nanginig dahil sa init na naramdaman ko. Unti-unti kong nilapit ang aking mukha upang amuyin ito. Mabango ito, lalaking-lalaki. Dahan dahan kong pinagtaas baba ang kamay ko sa naghuhumindig nyang kargada. Maingat ako at ayokong magising siya dahil di ko alam ang gagawin ko pag nahuli nya ako na pinagsasamantalahan ko siya. Hinagod-hagod ko ang kanyang ari hanggang sa makita ko na parang nangingintab ang ulo ng kanyng mamula-mulang sandata. Nacurious ako at sinilip kong mabuti habang tuloy pa rin ang hmas ko. May likidong lumalabas sa butas ng kanyang ulo. Nilabas ko ang dila ko upang tikman ito.

Maalat-alat pero okay lang. Hindi na ko makatiis, dahan-dahan kong isinubo ang ulo ng kanyang tarugo. Ang saraaaaaaaaaap. Hindi ko maexplain ang pakiramdam. May kung anong kuryente akong nararamdaman habang dinidiladilaan ko ang ulo ng bespren ko. Dinilaan ko ang maliit na butas, ang ilalim ng ulo ang lambi sa pagitan ng ulo at katawan. Hindi ako nagsawang dilaan ang katawan bago ko isubong uli ang kanyang ulo. Marahil sa sarap o sa matinding libog, hindi ko naririnig ang mga impit nyang ungol. Sige lang ako sa pagsuso. Parang naglololipop. Habang nasa loob ng bibig ko ang ulo nya, pinapagana ko ang dila sa paghagod sa kanyang ulo at katawan. Sinubukan kong isagad sa lalamunan pero para akong mabibilaukan kaya hindi ko na itunuloy.

Hinigpitan ko ang pagsuso sa kanyang burat. Naramdaman ko na lang na tumaas ang kanyang balakang at gumigiling-giling. Andito na ito, hindi ko alam kung gising na siya o tulog pa kaya sige pa rin ako sa pagsuso. Hinawakan ko ang kanyang mga bayag at hinimas-himas ang pagitan nito at ng kangyang pwet. Lumalakas na ang paghingal ni Chris at nararamdaman ko na lalog tumitigas at tila lumalaki ang ulo ng kanyang burat ng walang anu-ano ay tumuwid ang kanyang binti at isang ungol ang kaniyang pinawalan. “Oooooooooooohhhhhh”. Pumulandit ang masagana nyang katas sa aking bibig. Parang babuksan ang gripo dahil sunod sunod ang paglabas ng kanyang manamis-namis na tamod. Tuloy lang ako sa pagsuso at paglunok hanggang sa unti-unti kong naramdaman ang paglambot ng kanyang ari.

Ayoko pa sanang ilabas sa bibig ko pero kailangan kong tantyahin kung paano ko ieexplain kay Chris ang aking ginawa. Pagtayo ko ay nakita ko si Chris na mahimbing na natutulog na may ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. Itinuloy ko ang pagbabanyos ng basang bimpo at binihisan ko siya saka ako tumabi. Pagkahiga ko ay dumantay ang isa nyang paa at niyakap nya ako.

Hindi ako makatulog, hindi ko alam kung gising ba siya o tulog ng may nangyari sa amin.

Kinabukasan, pagkagising ko, isang note na lang ang nakita ko sa tabi ng kama. Si Chris, hindi na ako ginising at kailangan na daw nyang umuwi ng maaga dahil may aasikasuhin siya ng araw ding iyon.

Iyon ang huli naming pagkikita ni Chris. Ng puntahan ko siya sa bahay nila ay nagulat na lang ako ng sabihin na lumipat na ng bahay sila Chris ng araw matapos ng graduation ball. Hindi alam ng kasera ng apartment kung saan lumipat. Hindi pa uso noon ang pager or text kaya I have no way of knowing kung nasasaan si Chris.

Naging palaisipan sa akin yun. Bakit umalis si Chris ng hindi man lang ako kinausap. Alam ba nyang may nangyari sa amin? Bakit hindi siya nakipag-communicate sa akin all these years? In a way, medyo nabawasan ang igat na nararamdaman ko dahil kahit tulog siya, nasabi ko sa pinakamamahal ko na mahal ko siya at naangkin ko siya, kahit sandali lang.

Itutuloy…

Please give me your comments and feedback. Kung ok sa inyo ito, itutuloy ko kung anong nangyari matapos akong iprivate-message ni Chris at kung papaano ang fairy tale ko ay magkakatotoo (pwede ring hindi… abangan!). E-mail me at jayruiz27@yahoo.com.

MGA LALAKE SA BUHAY KO – SI CHRIS Part 2
Jay Ruiz (jayruiz27@yahoo.com)
Karapatang-ari ng may-akda 2004
July 15, 2004

Maraming salamat sa nagbigay encouragement at nagustuhan nyo ang unang klwento na handog ko. Heto na po ang karugtong na kwento ko tungkol kay Chris.

Naging malaking palaisipan sa akin ang hindi pagcocommunicate ni Chris for the last 10 years. Aaminin ko, sumama ang loob ko, nangulila ako. Lalo na noong bakasyon bago mag-college. Nakagawian na kasi namin noon na tuwing bakasyon ay maglakwatsa, mag-beach o magpunta sa Baguio. Sa aking pagbabalik-tanaw, hindi nga kami gumawa ng plano noong 4th year kami. Marahil busy kami sa exams, sa pagpreprepare for college kaya I took it for granted na ang gagawin namin sa summer vacation namin ay katulad na ng nakagawian. Matapos ang graduation ball at ang pagtulog ni Chris sa bahay ay hindi ko na siya nakita. Maging ang mga kaklase at kaibigan namin ay nagtataka sa biglaang pagkawala ni Chris. Tanungin man nila ako, wala akong masagot dahil sa akin, na naturingan nyang bestfriend, hindi ko rin alam.

Lumipas ang sampung taon, heto ako at nakatanga sa computer. Excited ako. Hinihintay ko ang muling pag-private sa akin ni Chris. Matapos manumbalik sa aking alaala ang lahat, wala na ang takot. Twenty-seven na ako, hindi na ako thirteen. Mature na ko para harapin kung ano man ang sasabihin ni Chris. Kung kukutyain ba niya ako dahil doon sa nangyari sa amin. Ang depensa ko lang naman eh, mahal ko siya kaya ko nagawa yun. Di ba bongga? Parang excuse no? Pero hindi ko excuse yun. Minahal ko talaga si Chris. Hanggang ngayon naman, espesyal pa rin siya sa akin. Narito pa rin siya sa puso ko. Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan ko, na napanood nya yata sa Sex and the City, in life daw, there comes two great loves. Para sa akin, si Chris yung first true and great love ko.

Maaga akong pumasok, nag-log-in agad ako sa yahoo messenger. Isang oras, dalawang oras. Ano na kaya ang hitsura ni Chris? Gwapo pa rin ba? Makisig? Ano ang binago kaya sa kanya ng sampung taon? Lunch break, wala pa rin. Pinagsisisihan ko tuloy ang paglo-log-off kahapon. Baka that was my second chance, pinaglagpas ko pa. Hindi ako makapagconcentrate sa trabaho. Ano ba yan, four o’clock na, wala pa rin. Sa buong mag-hapon, wala akong nagawang maayos na trabaho. Lumilipad ang utak ko. Hintay ako ng hintay.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, this is it. Wala na talaga. Kasalanan ko eh. Binigyan na ako ng pagkakataon kahapon, pinalagpas ko lang. 5pm na, nagliligpit na ako ng gamit dahil uuwi na akong mabigat ang loob. Umaasa pa rin ako na sana, mag-online si Chris. Sinarado ko na ang lahat ng mga programs na naka-on sa pc ko. Maglolog-off na sana ako ng biglang umilaw ang yahoo id ni Chris. Nag-online na siya! Tunalon-talon ang puso ko. Ako na ang ma-uuna. Nagsend na ako ng message.

“Chris, kamusta?” syempre hindi ako nagpahalata na mamatay-matay ako sa paghihintay sa kanya. Na kung-ano ano ang pinagdaan ng damdamin ko.

“Uy, naunahan mo ako. Sandali lang ako online just to see if you are online. I need to talk to you. Text mo ko, here’s my number 0917-******, meet tayo today. I need to see you.”

“OK” yun lang ang nasabi ko. Geeeesh, nautal na naman ako. Nasa chat na nga, utal pa. Ano ba yan.

“Sige, hintay ko text mo. Kita tayo Greenbelt.” Paalam ni Chris.

Greenbelt? Eh nasa Monumento ako. Hay naman, pag mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, kahit nasaan pa siya, pupuntahan ko. Kahit siguro sinabi nyang magmeet kami sa Laguna, pupuntahan ko siya. Dali-dal akong nagayos at sumakay ng taxi papuntang Makati.

Habang nasa taxi, isip ako ng isip. Ano na kaya ang itsura ni Chris? Awayin kaya ako noon? Tense na tense ako. Aaminin ko, excited ako na makita ulit ang pinakamamahal ko.

After forty-five minutes, nasa Greenbelt na ako. Tinawagan ko si Chris at sinabing nandoon na ako. Umupo muna ako sa isang mesa sa labas ng coffee shop na pagkikitaan namin. Linga ako ng linga, asan na kaya si Chris ng may makita akong mama na papalapit. Matangkad ang mama, nakaputing damit. Pang-doktor ang dating. Makisig ang mama at maamo ang mukha. Putsa, si Chris ito.

Halos himatayin ako. Naging mabuti ang sampung taon kay Chris. Hindi na siya totoy ngayon at mas lalong gumwapo ang bestfriend ko. Nakadag-dag pa dito ang kulay puti nyang damit na lalong nagpatingkad sa kanyang maputing balat. Oh my God! Delicious ang mahal ko. Ngingiti-ngiti siyang lumapit sa akin.

Tumayo ako upang kamayan siya pero sa halip na kunin ang kamay ko, isang mahigpit na yakap ang binigay sa akin ni Chris. Ang iniiiiiiiiiiiit nya, ang bango-bango. Ang higpit-higpit ng yakap nya, ramdam na ramdam ko ang tigas ng kanyang dibdib at bisig. Pwede na akong matunaw! Heaven. Tumibok ang puso ko. Mahal ko pa rin ang best friend ko.

“Bespen! Kamusta?” bati nya matapos akong pawalan sa kanyang yakap. Mabuti, simpleng tugon ko. “Jay, ang taba-taba mo na!” nakakainis. Kasalanan ko bang tumaba ako sa loob ng sampung taon? “Pero okay lang yun, labs pa rin kita pare!” Tumalon ang puso ko doon.

Kamustahan, kwentuhan kung ano nangyari sa loob ng sampung taon. Parang walang nangyari. Parang kung ano ang iniwan namin 10 years ago, pinik-up lang namin ng muli kaming magkita. Pero aligaga pa rin akong tanungin siya kung bakit hindi man lang siya nagpaalam sa akin noon.

“Sssssh, sabihin ko sa yo lahat mamaya. Kain muna tayo.”

Pinagbigyan ko siya. Kumain muna kami. Matapos naming kumain sa isang Italian restaurant (alam kasi niyang paborito ko ang seafood pasta). Nagyaya siyang umalis na. Tinanong ko siya kung saan kami pupunta. Kailangan daw naming mag-usap ng masinsinan sa isang tahimik at pribadong lugar. Binaybay namin ang EDSA. Maya-maya pa ay nasa Pasig na kami ng ikanan nya ang sasakyang kanyang dinadrive papuntang ULTRA. Alam ko ang lugar na ito. Dito ako madalas magpunta kasama ng mga nakaka-eyeball ko. Ano ito? Pupunta kaming motel???? Bakit????

Binasag ko ang katahimikan. “Bakit ditto tayo papunta?” nangangatal kong tanong. Hello, si Chris ito, best friend ko. Straight. Sakay ako ng kotse nya papuntang motel!

“Pasensya ka na ha, mahal kasi sa hotel eh. Wala akong alam na ibang place na pwede tayong mag-usap ng masinsinan, ng walang ibang tao, ng walang ibang makakarinig.”

“Bakit nga? Ano ba ang sasabihin mo? Magwawala ba ako kapag sinabi mo at narinig ko?”
“Basta, pagpasok natin sasabihin ko sa yo lahat. Favor naman, yuko ka ng kaunti. Nakakahiya kasi kung makita nila na dalawa tayong lalaki papasok dito.”

Putsa naman. Ano ba ito? Ipapasok ako sa motel pero itatago naman ako. Sabagay, sanay na ako sa ganito. Kasi naman pag bi or pa-men ang kasama kong pumapasok sa motel, ganito ang drama eh. Nakapasok din kami sa motel. Dirediretso ako sa kwarto at umupo ako sa kami. Mataman kong tinititigan ang bestfriend ko si Chris. Excited ako, kasi motel to. Baka may mangyari. Baka sa loob ng sampung taon eh silahista na rin itong si Chris at gusto rin pala ako. Masarap!

Hindi umiimik si Chris, parang hindi nya alam kung paano magsisimula sa kanyang sasabihin. Inalok muna nya akong umorder sa room service. Tumanggi ako kasi nga kakakaininlang naman. Hinubad na ni Chris ang coat nyang puti. Niluwagan ang necktie. Tiningnan ko siya ng mabuti. Iba na nga ang Chris na kaharap ko ngayon sa Chris dati. Medyo mas malaman at lumaki ang katawan, mas nagmature ang mukha pero maamo pa rin tingnan. Mapula pa rin ang mga labi. Matangos ang ilong.

“Hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahan…” basag ni Chris sa katahimikan. Ako man, hindi ko alam kung bakit kami nasa motel. Pwede namang sa bahay kami magpunta o sa bahay niya.

“Magsimula ka na lang sa simula… bakit sa loob ng sampung taon ay hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa akin. May kasalanan ba ako sa yo?”

“Wala, wala kang kasalanan…” sagot nya. “Ako ang may pagkukulang.” Oh my gosh, anong drama ito? “Ikakasal na ako nex month, gusto ko ikaw ang tumayong best man ko.”

WHAT???? Sigaw ng isip ko. Tumigil ang inog ng mundo, feeling ko hihimatayin ako. Tulala lang ako. Nagflashback lahat sa utak ko. Ang friendship namin, ang mga lambingan, ang last night namin together. Ano daw? Ikakasal siya at ako ang best man? Tama nga siya at dito kami sa pribadong silid. Malamang kung nasa public place kami eh naeskandalo siya dahil iiyak ako o di kaya ay maglulupasay.

All the while, akala ko bumugay na rin ang best friend ko, yun pala magpapaalam na ikakasal na. “Sorry ha, ngayon nga lang tayo nagkita, binigla pa kita.”

“Gago ka talaga, okay lang yun.” Sabi ko. Wala akong magawa. Bestfriend ko siya. I have to support him. Mahal ko siya kaya kung saan siya masaya, doon din ako.

“Hindi okay yun dahil may kailangan pa ako sa yo.”

“Ano yun? Gusto mo ako mag-ayos ng kasal nyo? Sure, sige tutulungan ko kayo. Sino ba mapapangasawa mo? Saan mo siya nakilala? Gaano kayo katagal mag-on? Saang simbahan kayo ikakasal? Buntis na ba yan kaya mo papakasalan? Mabait ba yan? Ok ba ang mga byebyenanin mo? Sunod sunod kong tanong.

“Wait, wait lang. Lets not talk about it. Iba ang gusto kong pag-usapan natin.”

Labo naman nitong si bestfriend Chris. Ioopen-up yung kasal, di naman pala yun ang pag-uusapan.

“Eh ano pag-uusapan natin?” tanong ko.
“Tayo.” Simple nyang sagot. Tayo? Kami? What about us? Eh di ba after ten years, wala ng us? I mean, us bilang bestfriend? Eh ngayon nga, best man na ko di ba? Yun, yun ang gusto kong isigaw sa kanya, what about us? Pero syempre, dahil mahal ko siya, malumanay pa rin ako.

“What about us?” tanong ko?

Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Hinwakan ang kamay ko at sinabing “Us, alam mo bestfriend, malaki ang kasalanan ko sa yo. Sa loob ng sampung taon, nawala ako. Aaminin ko sa yo, tinangka kong kontakin kita kaso nahiya na ako kasi baka galit ka or sumbatan mo ako.” Wow, sya pa ngayon ang aplogetic. Grabe na to. Kung alam lang nya, ako nga ang kinain ng guilt sa loob ng sampung taon.

“Alam kong may nangyari sa atin after the graduation ball. Remember, yung natulog ako sa house nyo.” Anong remember? As if naman makakalimutan ko yon. Nanlamig ang kamay ko at gusto kong alisin sa pagkakahawak nya. Hinigpitan nyang lalo ang hawak nya saka pnisil.

“Narinig kita ng sinabi mong mahal mo ako at kaya mo lang ginawa yon dahil mahal mo ako. Mahal din kita kaya nagpaubaya ako. First time lang sa akin yun kaya hindi ko alam kung paano magrereact kaya hinayaan kita. Mahal kita dahil ikaw ang bestfriend ko. Ikaw lang ang nahihingahan ko ng sama ng loob, ikaw lang ang kasakasama ko – sa kalokohan man o kasayahan. Noong grumaduate nga ako sa pagkadoktor, malungkot ako kasi wala ka sa tabi ko. Pero para sa yo yun. Dinedicate ko sa yo ang diploma ko.”

Tahimik lang ako, nakikinig. Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ko. Hindi ko mawari ang aking damdamin.

“Alam mo, lagi kitang naiisip, saka yung huling gabi natin,” patuloy nya. “Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Tsaka biglaan ang paglipat namin ng probinsya. Ni hindi kita nasulatan o nakausap man lang. Ng bumalik na ko sa Maynila para mag-aral, nalilito ako. Hindi ko alam kung tatawagan kita, hanggang sa nahiya na ako. Binuhos ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral. Believe me, lagi ka pa ring nasa isip ko.”

“Ngayon?” tahimik kong tanong. “Mag-aasawa ka na di ba?”

“Oo, mahal ko si Marianne. Mahal din kita. Kaya nga sana pagbigyan mo ako.”

“Hindi kita maintindihan…”

“Gising ako ngayon. Pwede ko bang maramdaman ang iyong pagmamahal bago ako ikasal?”

Hindi ko na inisip kung tama ba ito o mali basta ang alam ko, tumango ako. Naramdaman ko na lang ang paglapat ng labi nya sa labi ko. Napapikit ako. Sampung taon kaming hindi nagkita, ilang oras pa lang kami uli nagkikita at heto, kahalikan ko ulit si bestfriend Chris, ang pinakamamahal ko. Ang kaibahan nga lang gayon, gising siya at kusang nagpapaubaya.

Masarap siyang humalik. Banayad sa umpisa hanggang sa nagiging mapusok. Pinasok nya ang kanyang dila sa bibig ko. Pasundot-sundot hanggang sa sispsipin din nya ang dila ko. Sobrang alab ang nararamdaman ko. Tumayo sya sansaglit. Tinitigan ko siya.

Unti-unti nyang hinubad ang kanyang necktie. Tumayo ako at ako na ang nag-alis ng butones ng polo nya. Isa-isa kong tinagggal ang butones hanggang sa malantad sa akin ang kanyang namuutok na dibdib. Muli nya akong siniil ng halik. Halos maubos ang hininga ko, mapugto. Sobra ang init ng kanyang mga halik.

Maya-maya pa ay bumaba ang kanyang paghalik sa leeg ko. Sinipsip nya ang leeg ko. Hinubad nya ang suot kong t-shirt. Dinilaan nya ang leeg ko pabababa sa mga utong ko. Hinali-halikan nya ang mga utong ko at saka sinuso. Ooooohhhhhhhh, impit na ungol ko. Ang sarap. Sinususo ng mahal ko ang kanang utong ko habang hinihmas nya ang kaliwa. Ako naman, paanas kong salita.

Humiga sya sa kama. Tiningnan ko siya. Ang gwapo ng mahal ko. Malamlam ang mata nya, nang-aanyaya. Hinalikan ko ulit siya sa labi. Hindi-hindi ako mag-sasawa sa paghalik sa kanya. Hinalikan ko ang mata nya, ilong. Sinupsop ko ang tenga nya. Ungol sya ng ungol…. Ahhhhhhhhhh ang sarap. Nasa tenga pala ang libog nya. Dinilaan ko ang leeg nya pababa sa maputi nyang dibdib. Sinimulan kong dilaan ang mamula-mula nyang utong. Sinupsop ko ang kanan. Para akong sanggol na dumedede. Walang tigil ang ungol nya. Maya-maya ay hinwakan ko ang kanyang harapan. Matigas. Hinubad ko ang sinturon habang sinususo ko ang utong nya. Binaba ko na ang zipper ng pantalon at dinakot ang nakaumbok doon. Siya na ang nag-alis ng pantalon nya.

Tiningnan ko ang bukol nya. Naalala ko ang kargada nya ten years ago, ganito pa rin kaya ito? Hindi na ako nakatiis at ako na ang nag-alis ng kanyang brief. Natulala ako. Parang mas malaki na yata ito kumpara dati. At mas lumago na ang bulbol. May pre-cum ng nananalatay sa ulo ng kanyang burat.

Iba ngayon, hindi ko agad sinuso ang burat nya. Dinilaan ko muna ang kanyang pusod habang hinihimas-himas ko ang kanyang ari. Dinilaan ko ang kanyang balakang pababa sa hita, pati tuhod at loob ng hita. Alumpihit siya sa sarap na nararamdaman. Tumataas ang kanyang puwet sa bawat hago ng dila ko sa loob ng hita nya. Ng magsawa ay tumaas ako. Dinilaan ko ang singit nya at napa-oooooohhhhhhh siya ng malakas. Sinubo ko ang isa nyang bayag at napasuntok sya sa kama. Ang saraaaaap sigaw nya. Parang minumumog ko ang bayag nya at panay ang giling ng kanyang balakang.

Sige lang ang labas ng kanyang paunang katas. Basang-basa na ang kamay ko sa pagsalsal sa titi nya kaya minabuti ko na ring tikman ang kanyang burat. Diniladilaan ko muna ang ulo. Ninamnam ang sarap ng kanyang nakahain na laman. Ang sarap, maalat-alat pero kaigaigaya ang lasa. Hindi na ako nakatitiis. Sinubo ko ang ulo at naramdaman ko na napasabnot si Chris sa akin. “Ang init, ang sarap ng bibig mo Jay.” Siya na ang kumanyod kanyod sa bibig ko. Hinigpitan ko na lang ang pagsuso. Dahil marami na rin akong nakatalik, sinubukan kong isubo ang buong katawan ng burat nya. Saktong papasubo ako ay papakanyod sya kaya direderetso sa lalamunan ko ang mahaba at mataba nyang burat. Pinadaan ko sa ilong ang paghinga para hindi ako mabilaukan.

Ooooooooooooh, ahhhhhhh. Jay ang sarap sarap mo. Sige lang ako sa pagtsupa. Jay. Mahal kita Jay. Halinghing nya. Sa isip ko, mahal na mahal din kita Chris. Habang tsinutsupa ko sya, naramdaman ko ang kamay nya na humihimas sa harap ko. Dinaklot nya ito at dahan-dahang sinalsal. Habang papabilis ang pagsuso ko sa kanya, sumasabay ang balakang nya sa pagtataas baba at ang kamay nya sa paghimas sa alaga ko. Sobrang sarap ang nararamdaman ko. Subo ko ang ari ng mahal ko habang sinasalsal nya ako. Siguro nga ay silahis lang si Chris at hindi nya kayang isubo ang ari ko. Okay lang dahil sarap na sarap na ako sa ginagawa namin.

“Jay, uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhnng, malapit na ko Jay. Ahhhhhhhh Jay, ang sarap Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhggg”. Sige lang ako sa pagsuso. Hindi ako makasagot dahil punong puno ng titi nya ang bibig ko at unngol lang ang tangi kong sagot. “UUUuuuunggggghhhhh.”

Ilang taas-baba ko pa ay naramdaman kong lumaki ang ulo nya at nanuwid ang kanyang mga binti. Sunod-sunod na pumulandit ang kanyang masaganang katas sa aking ibig. Tulo-tuloy din ang lunok ko sa tamod nya at maya-maya pa ay bumulwak na rin ang katas ko sa kamay nya. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…….” Hindi ko tinigilan ang pagsuso sa titi nya hanggang sa ito ay lumambot.

Nagulat na lang ako ng hilahin nya ako padagan sa kanya sabay halik sa labi ko. Naghalo ang laway nya at ang kanyang tamod.

“Bestfriend, I love you” sabi ni Chris.

“Mahal din kita… noon pa.”

***

Doon na kami sa motel natulog. Actually, halos hindi na kami natulog dahil paulit-ulit naming pinagsaluhan ang aming pagmamahal.

Kinaumagahan, nag-usap kami ng masinsinan. Mas mahal ni Chris ang papakasalan nya. Alam ko yun. Kaya lang nya ginawa ito ay para maiparamdam sa akin at maramdaman nya kung gaano kami kaimportante sa isa’t-isa.

Yun ang huli naming pagtatalik ni Chris dahil nirerespeto namin ang mga naging dsisyon namin. Malapit nang maging pormal ang pagiging magkumpare namin dahil malapit ng manganak ang misis nya.

Wala akong regrets dahil sabi ko nga, mahal ko siya at ang pagmamahal ay mapagparaya.

Sana ay nagustuhan nyo ang kwento ko. Ang susunod naman po ay si Oliver, ang una kong lover na nakilala ko sa internet. For your comments and feedback, e-mail me at jayruiz27@yahoo.com.
MGA LALAKE SA BUHAY KO – SI OLIVER
Jay Ruiz (jayruiz27@yahoo.com)
Karapatang-ari ng may-akda 2004
July 21, 2004

Maraming salamat sa nagbigay ng magandang komento sa aking unang kwento, ang unang lalaking minahal ko, si bestfriend Chris. Eto ulit ako at magshashare ng kwento tungkol sa isa sa mga lalaking nagbigay sa akin ng unang karanasan na magkarelasyon…

***

Sabi nila, first love never dies. I guess that’s true. After high school, pinilit kong kalimutan si Chris. My love for him never died, it’s still there but became dormant. Somehow, he became a part of my memory… a very fond memory.

I never gave myself a chance to love again, why should I? I don’t want to be hurt, to long for love that’s unrequited, it hurts. I don’t want to fall asleep every night crying. But what can I do? Does anybody really have control over our feelings? I spent my time studying and fortunately, I graduated with honors. There. Pagkatapos ng studies, work kaagad ang inatupag ko. No sense in wasting for a guy’s affection huh? More than that, hindi pa ako out noon. Okay lang, masaya ako sa trabaho ko.

April 1999

I just left my first job after working there for two years. Astig ako eh, kung kailan kasagsagan ng Asian crises at pagbagsak ng piso at tanggalan ng trabaho, ang lakas ng loob kong magresign. Regular employee na ako, kaso hindi na ako masaya sa trabaho ko. Parang may kulang, so nagresign ako. I mean, why would I kill myself sa isang trabaho na hindi ako masaya?

Hindi ko alam kung timing o hindi pero bakasyon yun kaya medyo parelax-relax ako. Noong mga panahon nay un din nauso ang internet. Syempre excited, surf to sawa ako noong bakasyon. Hindi pa ako marunong magchat noon at wala naman ako mapagtanungan kung paano magchat sa mga gay rooms. Sa kaka-experiment ko, nakapasok ako sa yahoo chat.

Para madaling malaman na pinoy ako, ang ginamit kong handle is yun na nga, pinoyako he he he. International pa kasi yung mga rooms noon. Nakakaaliw nga eh, kasi gamit na gamit ang pang-iinglis ko. Nandoon na magkaroon ako ng mga cyberfriends from around the world. Pero syempre, gusto ko ng pinoy ang maka-chat ko. Gusto ko ng magka-boyfriend!

For the past 22 years, subsob lang ako sa pag-aaral at trabaho kaya sabi ko, it’s time na. it’s time na magka-boyfriend! Gusto kong mameet si Mr. Right. Kahit ang hitsura nya (pero syempre bonus na rin kung gwapo di ba? He he he). Gusto kong maexperience yung walang hintuang halikan, lambingan. Gusto kong maging masaya (akala ko kasi noon, magiging masaya lang ako kung magkakabf ako, hindi pala.) Gusto kong may yumakap sa akin, may tumatawag sa akin to greet me good morning, magsasabing kumain ka na ba? Ingat ka at marami pang iba.

May itsura naman ako noon. Slim kasi ako noon, matangos ang ilong, malago ang kilay, moreno, baby face. Malambot tingnan ang mga lips ko. Kungbaga, sariwang-sariwa pa. Alam ko naman yun eh. Noong college nga ako, madalas ako maharass sa Robinson Ermita (malapit kasi doon ang college ko). Eh luma pa ang Robinson’s noon, parang Manuela. Pero kahit may mga nanliligaw noon o nagpaparamdam, di ako pumatol. Aral muna.

Yun na nga, feeling ko I’m old enough to have a boyfriend and feel complete. Pero sa ilang araw na pagchachat, wala pa ako nakikilalang noypi. I will be starting my new job, matatapos na bakasyon ko, ni hindi ko man lang nameet si Mr. Right. Taglibog pa naman ako noon pero syempre since wala pa akong alam, wala ring nangyari sa sexlife ko.

Sunday, last night ko sa pagchachat before I started working ulit, I got a private message. Ting! Pinoy! Excited ako, alam mo yun, may makakachat akong pinoy.

Oliver daw ang pangalan niya. Ganda ng pangalan, astig. First time lang daw niya makipagchat sa kapwa lalake. Mabait naman siyang kausap kaya hayun, inabot ako ng madling araw sa kakachat sa kanya. Nagpalitan kami ng numbers (again, hindi pa usop ang text noon. Analog pa ang cell phone at ang uso eh beeper! Haaaay, I remember the days na panay ang tunog ng pager ko!).

The next morning, sunod-sunod na pager messages ang nareceive ko kay Oliver. Mga sweet nothings lang gaya ng, good morning, ingat ka sa pagpasok, don’t forget to eat your lunch, wag kang papapagod, ingat ka sa pag-uwi, kumain ka na ba ng dinner? First time ko lang makatanggap ng mga pager messages na ganyan sa isang guy kaya kilig na kilig ako.

Every night, nag-uusap kami sa phone hanggang abutin ng madaling-araw. Ang ganda ng boses nya, suwabe. Minsan, nag-iiwan siya ng voice messages sa pager ko at nakakakilig kasi nagcocompose siya ng poem just for me. Kilig. Feeling ko, may boyfriend na ako kahit di ko pa nakikita.

Sa mga pag-uusap namin, bumubuo na kami ng mga plano, plano na kung saan kami pupunta to spend time together. Sa loob ng dalawang linggong pag-uusap sa phone at pagpapalitan ng mga sweet messages, napagkasunduan naming magkita. Hindi pa buo ang detalye pero isang gabi, tumawag si Oliver.

“Jay, andito na ako sa kanto nyo.” Shock ako, eh kagagaling ko lang sa work noon syempre haggard ang itsura ko. Pangit ako feeling ko. Ayoko siyang puntahan sa kanto, baka di nya ako magustuhan. Ayan, umiral na naman ang insecurities ko. Ang tagal ko bago nakasagot.

“Please? Puntahan mo na ko dito sa Jollibee. Sandali lang tayo, I just want to see you.” Sabi ni Oliver. Sige na nga.

Kinakabahan ako. Hindi siya ang una kong naka-eyeball. Hindi maganda ang first eye-ball experience ko kaya natatakot ako. Baka naman pwede wag na kaming magkita. I mean, magbabago ang lahat kapag nagkita kami. Pwedeng hindi nya ako magustuhan, pwede nya ako i-one way, maraming possibilities pero hindi pumasok sa isip ko na pwede rin na hindi ko sya magustuhan. Feeling ko kasi noon, sya na si Mr. Right kahit ano man ang itsura nya.

Nakita ko kaagad siya pagdating ko sa Jollibee. Lumapit ako sa mesang kinauupuan nya at nakipagkamay ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong ineexpect ko. Gaga kasi ako eh, pwede namang magtrade muna ng picture di ba? Eh sa eng-eng pa ako sa internet noon kaya ni hindi man lang ako nanghingi ng picture nya. Ayan, hindi ko maipinta ang mukha ko sa nakita ko. Hep, wala munang magrereact. Hindi ko sinasabing panget siya at please lang, wag nyo muna akong ijudge.
Bata pa nga kasi ako noon. Syempre idealistic. Iniimagine ko si Oliver na mestiso, matangkad, drop dead pogi. Ha ha ha ha, parang hindi ako natuto doon sa first eyeball ko.

Sa pag-uusap namin ni Oliver sa phone, nasabi ko sa kanya na ang type ko ay maputi. Hindi naman nya sinabi na moreno siya. May itsura si Oliver, matangkad, maskulado. Lalaking-lalaki. Yun na nga eh, kaya medyo nag-alinlangan ako kasi brusko siyang tingnan, parang pwedeng mang-rape.

Konting kwentuhan at nagpaalam na rin ako. Gabi na kasi tsaka hindi ko maintindihan ang damdamin ko. Makalipas ang ilang oras, tumawag si Oliver. Happy daw siya at nagkita na daw kami. Ako man din, masaya na nakita ko siya. At least pag kausap ko siya sa phone, alam ko na itsura nya. Nabigla ako ng sabihin nyang, “Can you be my first lover?” natameme ako doon. Anong isasagot ko? Magmamaganda pa ba ako eh wala namang nanliligaw sa akin that time (syempre wala kasi pa-discreet effect ako tsaka kakaunti pa lang ka-chat ko). Hinihintay ni Oliver ang isasagot ko at ewan ko, sa mahinang boses, sabi ko, “yes”.

Tuwang-tuwa si Oliver. Sa naririnig ko sa sobrang kasiyahan ni Oliver, unti-unti gumagaan ang pakirandam ko at sumisigla ako. Oh my Gosh! My boyfriend na ko!!!!! Kakaloka, iba pala ang feeling no? Niyaya agad ako ni Oliver na mag-overnight the next day sa isang resort. Nasabi ko kasi sa kanya na gustong-gusto kong magswimming.

The next day, oras-oras may page message ako from Oliver. Ng bandang hapon, may dumating na isang-dosenang roses. NAKAKALOKA! Nagtataka ang mga offiemates ko kung bakit may roses ako. Syempre para hindi sila makahalata, sabi ko pinadeliver ko talaga yun kasi may pagbibigyan ako after office. Tuksuhan, alaskahan. Lekat na Oliver to, padalhan ba ako ng roses eh sinabi kong mas gusto ko ang chocolates he he he.

Excited ako, mag-oovernight kami sa isang resort sa Antipolo. Nang magkita kami sa Jollibee ulit, ang daming dalang pagkain ni Oliver. Iba na ang tingin ko sa kanya, feeling ko siya ang pinakagwapong lalaking nakilkala ko. I feel safe with him dahil napaka-alalahanin niya.

Mga ilang sandali lang, nakarating kami sa Antipolo. Kumha agad ng kwarto si Oliver para makapagsarilin kami. Pagkapasok pa lang sa kwarto, hinwakan agad ni Oliver ang kamay ko.

“You never knew how much you made me happy.” Sabay halik sa kamay ko. Masuyo nyang nilapat ang kanyang mga labi sa labi ko. Sa umpisa ay ninamnam ko ang tamis ng kanyang halik hanggang sa maramdaman ko na sumusundot ang kanyang dila sa bibig ko. Sinubukan kong supsupin ang dila nya na ikinaungol naman nya. Mga samoung minutong walang hngahan ang mainit naming halikan hanggang sa yayain nya akong maligo.

Para akong bata na sumunod sa kanya. Unti-unti niyang hinubad ang suot ko. Ako naman ay nababatubalani sa pagtingin sa kanya habang siya naman ang nghuhubad ng damit. Makisig si Oliver, maganda ang dibdib, makinis ang balat. Inioffer nya ang kamay nya sa akin at sabay kaming pumasok sa banyo.

Masuyo nyang binasa ang buo kong katawan na may kasamang halik. Siya ang nagsabon ng buo kong katawan. Kakaibang init ang naramdaman ko. Iba pala ang feeling pag may nagpapaligo sa yo. Matapos nya ako banlawan, siya naman ang nagsabon. Nagbanlaw na kami at siya pa rin ang nagpunas sa hubad kong katawan.
Hawak ang aking kamay, sabay na lumatag ang aming mga hubad na katawan sa kama. Pumatong siya sa akin at naramdaman ko ang pagpintig ng kanyang mahaba at matabang ari na bumundol sa akin. Hinalikan niya ang noo ko, ang mata, ilong, pisngi pababa sa leeg hanggang dumako siya sa aking dibdib.

Masuyo niyang hinalikan ang aking kanang utong. Dinilaan nya ang palibot nito na nagbigay sa akin ng kakaibang sensasyon. Para akong kinukuryente na di ko mawari. Napasigaw ako sa sarap ng susuhin nya ang aking utong hanbang ang kaliwa naman ay nilalapirot ng kanyang kamay. Bumaba ang kanyang paghimas papunta sa aking tiyan hanggang sa talagang pakay ng kanyang kamay. Mas maliit ang kargada ko sa kanya pero parang balewala lang sa kanya yun. Habang salit-salitan nyang sinususo ang mga utong ko ay wala namang tigil ang paghimas at pagsalsal sa aking burat. Hindi ko na mapigilan at kusang lumabas ang paunang katas ko na lalong nagpadulas sa kanyang paghagod.

Marahil ay naramdaman nyang sarap na sarap ako kaya dahan-dahan nyang binaba ang kanyang pagdila sa aking tagiliran. Mayroon pala akong kiliti doon at napaangat ang balakang ko sa tindi ng kiliti ko doon. Halos masabunutan ko si Oliver sa sarap at parang lubid na lumabas ang mga pre-cum ko.

Nakita ito ni Oliver at lumuhod siya sa aking harap. Tinitigan nya ako at nagsabing, “I love you Jay” sabay subo ng aking ari. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ibibiling ang ulo ko. Ang init, ang sikip at ang sarap ng ginagawang pagsuso ni Oliver sa akin. Habang subo nya ang ulo ng aking ari ay nararamdaman kong nilalaro ng kanyang dila ang butas nito. Sobrang sarap lalo nat hinihagod ng kanyang kamay ang aking bayag at ang pagitan ng aking puwit.

Ang sikip ng kanyang bibig, ang init. Parang vinavacuum ang burat ko. Dahan-dahang nagtaas-baba ang ulo ni Oliver. Sumasabay ang alakang ko hanggang ako na mismo ang kumakadyot sa bibig niya. Sarap na sarap ako at ng imulat ko ang aking mata, sinasalsal ni Oliver ang nangingintab nyang tarugo. Lalo akong nag-init sa aking nakita at bumilis ng bumilis ang pagkadyot ko sa kanya.

Naramdaman ko na lang ang kakaibang init na nagpatuwid sa aking binti. May kung anog sarap na di ko maipaliwanag ang nagsimula sa aking bayag patungo sa katawan ng titi ko. Lalo itong tumigas at alam ko na malapit na akong labasan.

“Oliver, I’m cumming!” babala ko sa kanya para iluwa nya ang titi ko pero sa halip, mas lalo nyang hinigpitan ang pagsuso. Hindi ko na kaya kaya “Aaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaan na Oliver. Ang saraaaaaap. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhh.” Ungol ko at sunod-sunod na sumumpit ang tamod ko sa bibig nya na sya naman niyang nilunok. Para syang sanggol na sabik na sabik dumede. “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh” tama na, nangingilo na titi ko sabi ko sa kanya, saka lang nya niluwa. Umakyat siya ng kama at mabilis na sinalsal ang kanyang malaking tarugo at walang ano-ano ay bumulwak ang kanyang masaganang katas na tumalsik sa dibdib ko at tiyan. “I loooooooooove you!” sigaw ni Oliver habang siya ay nilalabasan. Pagod na dumagan siya at halos magdikit ang katawan namin sa lagkit.

Pinaraan ko muna ang ilang saglit saka ako nagyayang maligo.Katulad kanina, pinaliguan ako ni Oliver. Ilang beses png naulit ang aming pagniniig ng gabing iyun. Hindi na nga ako nakapagswimming dahil halos hindi na kami lumabas kundi noong magchecheck-out na kami.

Linggo-linggo ay nag-oovernite kami ni Oliver. Nang ikaapat na linggo ng aming relasyon, habang nasa opisina ay nakita kong naka-online ang Yahoo Messenger ni Oliver. I sent a private message to him. Sumagot naman ito. I told him usual sweet nothings.

That night, ng nag-uusap kami ni Oliver sa phone, he told me na we should lie low daw muna. Nagulat ako, bakit? May nagawa ba akong mali? Hindi daw ako yung kachat kanina, officemate daw nya yun at nagtatanong kung sino daw ba ako. Hindi ko alam na nakigamit ang officemate nya ng computer nya at nabasa ang mga pinadala kong sweet nothings. Tinanong ko siya kung ano yung sinabi nya. Para daw hindi makahalata, sinabi nyang stalker daw ako sa internet.

Ouch. Ako pa ngayon ang stalker huh. Bata ako, hindi ko agad naintindihan. Nagalit ako. Sabi ko, ikinahihiya nya ako, ang relasyon namin. Hinamon ko siya, sabi ko, kung hindi ka pa pala ready, bakit nakipagrelasyon ka sa akin. Hindi siya sumasagot. Ang tangi nya lang nasabi, sorry, hindi ko pa pala kaya. Yun na yun, binaba nya na ang phone.

After a week, ng mahimasmasan ako sa pagiging emotional ko, nag-usap kami. May luha sa kanyang mata ng magpaalam siya sa akin. Nagpadestino siya sa Batangas. Humingi siya ng sorry dahil hindi pa pala niya kaya.

Ano pang magagawa ko? Kung kailan mahal ko na siya, saka siya lumayo. Mahal ko na siya kaya kinaya kong bigyan ng laya ang gusto niya.

Ngayon, nagkita kami sa chat. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako sa sinabi nya, na after seven years, ako ang una at huli nyang naging lover.

Tinanong ko siya kung gusto nyang dugtungan ang naputol naming relasyon. Iba na ako, mas matured na. Ang sagot nya? Time will tell.

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Salamat sa pagbabasa! For your comments or feedback, feel free to e-mail me at jayruiz27@yahoo.com. Btw, hindi po ako yung reporter sa ABS-CBN ha. Abangan po ng susunod sa serye ko, si Errol.