NEVER SAY GOODBYE
By Rob Rubina
Paolo was sitting in front of his I-Mac computer and reading the latest incoming message in his electronic mailbox. The glaring black letters blinked at him amidst a backdrop of colorful geometric computer graphics. Meet me tomorrow at seven p.m. SM Megamall. Kamayan Restaurant. I’ll come in a blue dress. Excitement, anticipation, as well as fear, he felt all of these emotions as he contemplated on meeting Monica for the first time. After two years of being aloof with the opposite sex, Paolo finally gave in. This time, his first real date after the break-up was with the girl Monica from the chatroom. But Monica is different from any other girl, she is not just a girl, she is an extraordinary girl! Paolo thought to himself. If I can only be certain that Monica is different. Monica, ah, that little witch, that little angel. For the past two years, Paolo had given up hopes of finding true happiness. His first serious relationship ended sadly when, for some unknown and undisclosed reason, his girlfriend left. I just hope I wouldn’t be hurt again. I hope Monica is deserving of the trust I had given her.
It was a slow April day when he first met Monica in the chatroom. There were no clients to meet; no meetings to attend. All reports were being handled by his pool of assistants. He had nothing to do except sit in front of the computer and plan when the received message icon on the screen appeared and started blinking. At first, he thought that the ICQ message came from his boss. ICQ was the only means of communication his immediate superior used in sending instructions from the States. He clicked on the icon to see what’s the latest instruction from his boss. He was surprised to find an unknown user and unfamiliar nickname sending him a message.
“Hi there!”
“Who are you?”
“Monica.”
“How did you get my ICQ number?”
“Well, I found your name in the directory. Your profile looks interesting. So, I want to chat with you.”
Paolo never bothered to respond to such invitations. Should he accept this one? Chatting seem to be a foolish preoccupation. He had heard of people who got addicted to “chatting” and he had no time to converse with total strangers. But why not try it once? He asked himself, why not. Just this once. He clicked on the reply button and commenced the chat session with the girl named Monica.
“Hi.”
“A/s/l?”
“Sorry, what do you mean by asl?”
“You’re new here? A/s/l stands for age/sex/location.”
“I see. I am 27 years old, male, at the office.”
“LOL. Very funny. Where geographically?”
“LOL? Are you swearing? “
“You are really a newcomer to the chat really, LOL means laughing out loud J”
“LOL…laughing out loud…I see! Manila here. You, what is your “a/s/l”?”
“22/F/Makati”
Paolo was not sure what came over him, but for three straight hours, he chatted with this female in cyberspace, and he was actually enjoying it! It might be boredom that prompted him to accept the invitation to chat but it sure wasn’t boredom that kept him glued to the screen for the succeeding hours. It had been two years since he had been with a woman and had almost forgotten how much fun it could be. And this way was totally risk-free, pure anonymity. No pain, that’s what he thought.
At 22, Paolo found out that Monica was an accomplished woman already. A senior creative manager of a top advertising agency at her young age, Monica had been around the world shooting commercials and conducting research. She returned to the country after graduating from UCLA to help her father manage and direct their advertising agency, the Studio. Daniella should be around Monica’s age, mused Paolo. I wonder where she is now.
At exactly the same hour next day, Monica’s invitation to chat appeared again on Paolo’s screen. He wasn’t expecting it. Sure, the chat yesterday was great, but hey, let’s not do this regularly, thought Paolo. He was planning to shut Monica off but her opening greeting surprised him.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them into our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
“What?”
“Surprised? Don’t be…that’s my thought for the day. Don’t tell me you haven’t fallen in love.”
“But I did. That’s why your made me think of her.”
“What do you mean? Come on, tell me.”
Daniella de Cordova, the belle of the ball. The most sought after debutante of the year. In a simple midnight blue long gown adorned with diamond beads that shown like little stars, Daniella glided across the reception hall to receive her guests. The night was perfect. The moon was full, the garden was abloom with flowers. The scents of roses and jasmine permeated the garden where her debut was being held. Little lights adorned the walls and trees of the area. Her six-tiered cake was located near the swimming pool at the end of the buffet table. Perfect. All I need now is an escort, sighed Daniella. Looking over the heads of incoming guests, Daniella wished that indeed her best friend Andrea would bring his brother as escort. Twenty-three year old Paolo had been Daniella’s crush ever since high school. She and Andrea had set many plots to make Paolo notice her, but, for all their efforts, Paolo saw and treated Daniella like a kid sister. He was affectionate but unromantic. I told Andrea to be come early. His brother would surely not see me as a kid sister anymore dressed like this, mused Daniella. In a shimmering midnight blue dress, Daniella indeed came of age. With her long shiny black hair festooned with blue roses, her hair falling sensuously on her off-the shoulder gown, and her face made up to look older, this was indeed Daniella’s night. No other woman could compete with the glow of a girl coming of her age. This is the night Paolo’s going to fall in love to me, vowed Daniella.
She had not long to wait when the giggling Andrea came into view escorted by her tall, dark brother, Paolo. At first, Paolo was irritated being dragged from his computer to attend this birthday party. Sure, this was Daniella’s birthday but it was not his crowd. But little sister Andrea was persistent and she convinced Paolo that this was going to be the night he wouldn’t forget. She also threatened to date one of her suitors instead if Paolo refused to escort her. Never. I promised mom and dad before they died from the car accident that I would take care of you little sister even if you have to drag me to all your silly parties.
Not knowing that the night would change his life forever, Paolo methodically chose his outfit for the night. He wore white slacks, black shoes and a crisply ironed barong tagalog. Minutes later, he and Andrea entered the big ironed-grilled gate of the de Cordova’s residence. Impressive. This the first time Andre had the opportunity to visit Daniella in her own home. It was always Daniella who came to visit Andrea. At the receiving area, bearing their gifts, the siblings made their way to the front of the line to greet the celebrant.
He is here! Daniella’s heart thumped against her budding breast. Suddenly, she found herself in front of the man of her dreams. Breathing the slightly spicy aspen cologne of Paolo deeply, she extended her hand as Paolo greeted her “Happy 18th birthday, Daniella.” Who is this girl standing in front of me? Surely, this is not the same girl who comes to our house almost everyday, wearing her ponytails, giggling and gossiping with my little sister. Fully made up, Daniella such a lovely creature to behold. With a twinkle in his eyes, Paolo squeezed Daniella’s hand in greeting, he felt a current rushing through him. There was electricity the two of them to instantly recognized their attraction to each other. Andrea interrupted the moment by kissing Daniella on the cheek.
Throughout the night, and throughout the one year of their relationship, Paolo and Daniella had their eyes solely for each other. It was the beginning of a year-long romance that seemed headed for marriage. Paolo was inspired to better his career, and Daniella to further her studies. Paolo dreamt of a blissful future with Daniella.
“Happy 10th month anniversary Daniella.”
“You too, sweetheart…”
“I remember your birthday last year, you looked so grown up and lovely, I wish I could pluck the stars and offer it to you.”
“Stop that, you’re making me blush.”
“I love you when you blush. You look really cute.” From his pocket, Paolo took a box and handed it to Daniella.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
With thrilling anticipation, Daniella open the box and saw two lockets with heart pendants.
“I want you to wear this always. And I’ll wear mine. This heart symbolizes my love for you. As long as I wear it, as long as it stays with me, it means my love for you is alive and burning.”
“Oh I love you Paolo.”
Read Message
Inbox
From: "Monica Cruz" Save Address Block Sender
To: andremadrigal@mailcity.com
Subject: HELLO!!!!
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 04:17:33 PDT
Hello Paolo!
Never say goodbye when you still want to try - never give up when you still feel you can take it - never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.
I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship with Daniella didn’t work out. That she never bothered to explain why she had to leave…but surely, she had her reasons. If what you are saying is true, Daniella is not the type of girl who will just abandon you without saying good bye. Maybe, she didn’t mean to say good bye to you at all.
Do you really want to say good bye? Are you still in love Daniella or is it time to move on?
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that you will be loved in return, just wait for love to grow in the other person but if it doesn't, be happy for the love you have given.
I’m sure she still loves you.
Ciao… see you in chat J!
Monica
“Thank you for your e-mail yesterday. I’ve been thinking about the matter lately.”
“Don’t get too worked up over it…am sure, you’ll be ok.”
“I’m sure I’ll get to move on…with you.”
“Don’t start on me Paolo, you haven’t met me yet”
“So, let’s meet. Name the time and place. I’ll be there.”
“Let me think about that. You might not like what you’ll see”
“Come on! Chicken?…!”
“Ok. I’ve thought about it. Let’s meet.”
“So that you’ll recognize me, I’ll bring you a rose.”
“By the way, could you make it a blue rose, it is my favorite”
“A blue rose…okay.”
Read Message
Inbox
From: "Monica Cruz" Save Address Block Sender
To: paolocastillo@mailcity.com
Subject: I AM!!!
Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 8:17:33 PDT
I am not really an American girl. I didn’t grow up in the states but here. I started college here in Makati but I have to finished it in UCLA. When the opportunity came, I worked there. But my heart is really here in Makati. I have some unfinished business to complete. I came back here to reclaim my happiness. I just don’t know if he will ever see me again. But really, all I want is his forgiveness. I hope he will give me a chance…I was young then. But I have changed. I still love him. I hope he can forgive me.
Monica
“That guy you’re talking about, he would be a fool to let you go.”
“He didn’t really had the chance to hold on to me.”
“Why? But still, am sure he would forgive you. You’re a successful woman now. What more will he ask for. If I were him, I would forgive you and love you again.”
“I hurt him terribly. But every day and night, I think of him. I really love him”
“You still love him? I hope my ex-gf loved me the way you do.”
“I’m sure she did…and probably does.”
“When are you planning to tell him?”
“Soon. By the way, are you ready to meet me in person?”
“You don’t have to ask me Monica. I have lots to tell you in person. You have helped me go through life again…”
“Paolo, tell me all those things when you see me…”
“I think I am falling in love with you.”
“Don’t say that. you don’t know me that well. Tell me that when you see me.”
“Whatever you look like, am sure I will like you…now that I know how you think and feel. Let me fill the emptiness in your heart like you fill mine.”
Read Message
Inbox
From: "Monica Cruz" Save Address Block Sender
To: paolocastillo@mailcity.com
Subject: ARE YOU REALLY READY TO SEE ME?
Date: Mon, 31 May 1999 18:17:33 PDT
Paolo, would you promise to me that if ever you won’t like what you’ll see, you’ll still talk to me. Can you promise that we will still be friends if things didn't work out for the two of us? Can you?
Meet me tomorrow at seven p.m. SM Megamall. Kamayan Restaurant. I’ll come in a blue dress. I’ll be seeing you.
Monica
Why did Monica choose June 1? That was Daniella’s birthday. It was also the day Daniella left for the States without saying goodbye, the day Paolo’s world collapsed.
Paolo looked good that June 1. He was all ready to set all his plans to action. He would be picking up Daniella at her house at 4 in the afternoon. They would go to church to give thanks. A light snack at the coffee house at 5 p.m. After that, a movie called Ghosts to set the romantic feeling for the night. Then, on their reserved dinner at Kamayan, their favorite restaurant, he would propose. The diamond ring nestling on his trousers pocket had been picked up a week ago. He was mulling over his proposal two weeks ago. He is financially stable and Daniella would be graduating this semester. They could set the wedding on December, there would be lots of time for the wedding preparation. They could now start living together and fulfilling their dreams -- big house, two kids, a boy and a girl, and everyday a moment of togetherness and love.
Paolo rang the doorbell for 5 minutes but there was no response. Where is everyone? Paolo wondered. He was shaking the big-ironed grilled gate when the security guard of the house came out. Sorry sir, the family just left for the states last night. Yes sir, including Miss Daniella. That can’t be!!!! I just talk to her yesterday afternoon. I’m sorry sir, but nobody’s here. Their flight was last midnight bound for California. Dazed, Paolo threw away the bouquet of blue roses he was planning to give Daniella. What did I do wrong? Where are you Daniella? Why did you do this to me?
For one year, Paolo was devastated. He didn’t eat, sleep and socialize for six months. He nursed his pain with a bottle of whisky. The day begin and end with him on his bed. It took him a while to recover. But his former happy go lucky demeanor was transformed into a tight-lipped withdrawn mien. Andrea and his friends did everything to cheer him up but to no avail. Paolo was a changed man.
Promptly at 7 p.m., Paolo walked towards the entrance of Kamayan, the restaurant where he planned to take Daniella and propose two long years ago. Ah, he didn’t forget the blue rose. Finding a flower shop that have stocks of blue roses was a difficult task for Paolo, but because he wanted to show how serious he is, he even went to a Batangas flower shop that specialized on roses just to buy a single blue rose. The blue rose will be my symbol of sincerity, of trust and acceptance. With the single stem of blue rose, he walked with a certain bounce that betrayed his excitement. There was a lady in a blue dress at the far back of the room. Her back was against the door, Paolo could not really make out her figure. Her hair was long and black, just like Daniella’s. Why did Daniella suddenly popped into his mind. No. Daniella doesn’t exist anymore. This is Monica, the girl who taught me to believe again.
Feeling somebody was watching her, Monica slowly turned to face the entrance of the restaurant.
Is this for real? Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Paolo held on to the chairs for support. Standing in front of him was the only woman he loved. How could he forget her face? Two long years is not enough to erase her memory from his mind. Those lips that uttered romance and were always silenced with deep passionate kiss, that oval face, that angelic face. That long black hair. And blue! Of course blue was the favorite color of my beloved. How could I forget! Two long years was not enough to let go of Daniella, to take her out of his system, his heart. Two long years was not enough to erase the memory of the girl he loved.
Daniella rose and smiled uncertainly. Their eyes locked. Paolo saw the entreaty there to accept her, to give her a chance to explain. Her eyes mirrored all the pain and loneliness, the guilt she bore ten long years. Her eyes held all the answers to his questions…if he would only give her a chance. Paolo was numbed. Standing in front of him was his first love…his dream, and also Monica, the woman from cyberspace he had learned to like. Seeing them both in front of him. He loved Daniella, that was true, but he had learned to love Monica too. He was paralyzed with indecision.
“Hello” Daniella broke the silence, how are you. Paolo turned to leave...he was too distraught, overwhelmed with all of this.
“Wait. Can’t you just give me a moment to explain?”
“What is there to explain?” Paolo breathed heavily. “You forfeited your chance to do that ten years ago.”
“But I have changed. I still love you, that’s why I came back…”
“Yes, you did change. I don’t know you anymore.”
“You said you had forgiven me.”
“I didn’t know it was you Daniella. I was chatting with Monica. You are not her.”
“But I am!”
With quivering voice and eyes downcast, “I’m sorry” said Daniella.
“Sorry? But saying sorry is not enough. Twice now you have fooled me. This doesn’t ease the pain I’ve felt for two years. You’re like, the dead come alive! Why do you have to come back? I just buried you.”
“Please let me explain…”
“Just tell me why. Why.”
“I was young then, I was afraid. It felt like, we were going too fast. I can’t handle your demands anymore, I felt I need space to breathe. “
“Shit. You could have told me.”
“I was afraid to hurt you. I know I was wrong. I was meaning to tell you about my leaving, my needing space but I chickened out. I was afraid how would you react.”
“Shit.”
Daniella winced. She knew what she did was wrong. She had hurt the only man she ever love.
“I was going to call you but I was afraid you would get mad.”
“And you think, after two years, I would forget? And that using a different name in the chat room would change all that?”
“But I have changed! But I am still the Daniella that loved you.”
“Yes, you are still Daniella. The Daniella that betrayed me.”
“Let me try again. Please.”
“I don’t know.”
Paolo looked at the woman standing in front of him. Memories flashed back through his mind like a movie. Paolo and Daniella walking along the beach. Sleeping under the stars. Eating dirty ice cream at a rock concert. Holding hands in the movies. Sitting in the park. Petty quarrels, the kiss and make-up part. That first passionate kiss. Endless talks on the phone. Sleepless nights. Sweet dreams of Daniella. And of course, the betrayal.
But this is not Daniella, but Monica too. The day at the chatroom. The three-hour chats almost everyday. E-mails. How could I reconcile the fact that Monica is Daniella?
I loved you Daniella. I learned to love you too Monica. But I can’t reconcile the two of you as one…now. Daniella taught me to love but hurt me, Monica had taught me to love again…I don’t know.
Daniella, hurt and dejected turned to leave. If Paolo ever calls me back, if he calls my name now, I swear I would make it up to him. I would love him and vowed never to hurt him again. If he calls me back, I would know he has forgiven me. Please God, let him call me back.
Paolo watched Daniella walking away. As Daniella neared the door of the restaurant, Paolo called out tentatively. “Daniella…” No other words sound sweeter than Paolo uttering his name. With tears falling down her cheek, Daniella turned around and rushed to Paolo’s waiting arms. Silently, Paolo looked at Daniella with somber eyes. He looked down and from deep inside his shirt, he took out the heart-shaped pendant. Seeing this, Daniella took her heart-shaped pendant out and looked at Paolo for confirmation. It was two years ago, but both of them remember the promise they had made that night. And tonight, with renewed hope and love, they stared at each other’s eyes lovingly and vowed to keep their promise this time.
“I want you to wear this always. And I’ll wear mine. This heart symbolizes my love for you. As long as I wear it, as long as it stays with me, it means my love for you is alive and burning.”
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